Am I justified in wanting this?

Question

I am recently divorced with two kids. My exwife has remarried.

I bought a toy for each of my kids (something I don't do a lot by the way), and wanted them to take them home. The ex and her husband said no, and that they can't take any toys home ever. I asked why, and they said they have enough, and if I keep the toys I get them with me, they'll have things to play with at my house. I agreed with that logic.

This past weekend I tried to send two pictures home with the kids of our time at a Renaissnace Festival. I was asked to not send pictures home, and furthermore to not send anything period.

Is this unreasonable on their part? Am I justified in wanting to do things like this? Also, are there any research articles that can help support why it is good for the kids to have things at their home to remind them of me?

They flat out told me that they don't need those pictures and that they are my memories.

Any help would be great.

Answer 1

It depends upon how old your kids are... if they are mature enough to want to keep a picture of you in their rooms, that is not an unreasonable request.

Unfortunately, I think your ex and her husband still have some harsh resentments toward you and they're bound and determined to keep everything that has to do with you out of their home... even if it means causing the kids to suffer. They look at your actions as trying to intrude or have a presence in their home.

Answer 2

I have a photo album for my children that they keep their fathers pictures in. I also encourage them to keep photos displayed in the open in their bedrooms and buy them frames to put them in. This is a HEALTHY practice!
Your ex wife and her husband are hurting the children with their juvenile games! They should be able to have pictures and mementos. This doesn't mean they have to adorn every wall in the house...but can be placed in the child's private space..for their comfort and happiness.
Sick people.
Now the toys....that could be a whole other argument. They may have an overwhelming amount of things lying around..so the best idea might be to keep those at your place. Get some shelves, a toy box ,and give them a special place to keep their toys until they return. It may help to give it on the first night of a visit...so they can part with it easier later. I say this as a mother of four...who is overwhelmed with "stuff". But by all means, keep sending the pictures... buy them a photo album to keep them in so that they are organized. Pictures tell our story.. and those will mean the world to them when they get older.

Answer 3

I only did that once but for very different reasons. My ex left me in a world of debt then started sending toys home with the boys every time he had them...when I say debt I'm talking about oil, electric, phone, child care...all things I had no idea he wasn't paying. So when the toys started coming home I told him if he sent anymore I would throw them out or return them....the kids needed back-packs, school cloths, supplies, heat, etc...not toys.

As far as pictures...thats just wrong...they are your children's memories, not just yours. I help them frame the pics they take with their Dad and put them up in their rooms. I am not going to have my kids grow up and ask why I excluded him from their lives.

Answer 4

Your ex spouse and her new husband have adult issues that are bleeding over into the kids lives. The kids are the ones that suffer when adults can't separate their personnel issues out. Regardless of how you feel about your "ex" for the sake of your children you need to keep it even. If the pictures are for the kids that's great, if the pictures are to annoy your "ex" spouse then your using the kids. That's just an example, not an accusation. I don't know your situation. But I can speak from experience. I want nothing to do with my "ex" and he's not even great with our children but he is their father. I have to work very hard to not say derogatory things about him. It's difficult for me to put him in a positive light for them. But I do. What I'm seeing now is that they are working it out on their own as they are growing up. They don't need me to point out his faults they are the ones pointing them out. Still I say nothing. It's soooooo hard! I hope you and your "ex" can work things out somehow with regards to the kids. Maybe some counseling between the two of you. And the new "Husband" should keep to himself. If you go to counseling, trust me, he won't be included and the counselor will explain to him the roll of a step parent. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

Divorced parents often don't get along for obvious reasons. What is going on with your family sounds like the typical immaturity that exists between divorced parents. Your ex should put her feelings for you aside and concentrate on what is best for your children. There should be no harm in your children bringing their belongings back and forth between their home and yours. If they want to have pictures of you, their Dad around, they should be able to do so. Even if you were to talk to your ex, she would probably still continue to exclude you from her home and anything that has to do with her. Give it up, and just enjoy your children when you have them.

Answer 6

I think the toy scenario is acceptable but the picture scenario is not. Those aren't just your memories, they are the children's memories too. If those kids want a picture of you in their room, then they should be entitled to have that. It sounds to me like the step-dad is insecure about your relationship with the ex wife and wants to make sure nothing in his house reminds him of her past. Maybe i'm just jumping to conclusions but those kids are definately not being put first.

Answer 7

I don't know the terms of your divorce, but I'm pretty sure that something is being violated there. You should discuss your rights with your lawyer. The two of them have no right to keep you out of your children's lives.

Good luck. I hope everything can get settled amicably. Your ex's actions are in very bad faith, and courts generally look kindly on a situation such as yours in that case.

Answer 8

Check your divorce papers, most of the time there is a clause that states that the ex can not interfere or withold pictures, phone calls, videos from the children. I would point out that she needs to encourage a healthy relationship between you, your children and her new "blended family."

Answer 9

That sounds really unreasonable. Your kids are really important to you just as you are really important to them. Kids don't have memories right now like adults do, but they will remember you tried. And they will remember lots.
I went thru this with my cousins, their dad badmouthed my aunt, their mom and mad them feel really bad about loving her. witch is really crappy.
This happened years ago, and now my cousins are closer to their mom then ever. and they are teenagers.
Your kids will realize you love them and you are not being selfish but your ex is.
Good luck in your situation but keep trying. Your kids will know the truth. They are more preseptive then people give credit.

Answer 10

Your ex wife is selfish and rather then thinking about her childrens emotional stability, she is only thinking about herself and her new husband.
You have to explain to her that they are your children too and although she may not love you, they do, and deserve to be able to have a part of you around them when they're not with you.
If she continues with this behavior, give your children something special to remind them of you that they could hide from her, she is acting out of whack.
And, if this problem (which is serious) is bothering you that bad, speak to some of her family members even if they dislike you. Something has to give, those kids belong to you too and they deserve to have whatever they want in that house that reminds them of you.