well last nite my guy friend and i were talking on the phone and he came out and told me that he was MADLY in love with me and would love it if we could get together(im married so is he). I USED to like tihs guy b4 he got with his wife. Now we just hang ot alot, well he wants to become more than friends but wants to keep his wife. I love my husband and DONT want to leave him so how do i nicely tell my friend that i cant be with him without ruining things between us forever? i mean i've known him since 2nd grade, he was my first kiss.....
2006-09-26 05:03:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Be completely honest.
Tell him the timing is wrong and you are happily married. Tell him you care for him with all your heart but it isnt right to take the relationship to a romantic level. It wouldnt be fair to your spouses. It would devistate them and the dont deserve that.
2006-09-26 05:08:06 · answer #1 · answered by Jer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know, I really think this comes down to a reality check. First, both of you need to admit this is not a possibility. You're married, he's married.......a romantic relationship between you two is off the table.
The options to be together have presented themselves many times during the course of your friendship and yet you two never have taken the big step so it's silly to even consider anything COULD happen since it never HAS happened.
IF this man is such a friend to you, he'll surely see reason and respect his spouse, you, your spouse enough to not go there anymore. It goes nowhere good.
Be direct without shaming him. Tell him that you've plotted your paths and they just didn't intersect and the responsible thing is to love your respective spouses since these are the people you both chose to marry. Tell him that you don't think the friendship could bear the weight of infidelity on either of your parts, not with each other and not against the people you wed. Offer support to him for making his marriage a beautiful thing and ask for his support. Do not let him even think that a future with you is possible, not in a romantic context. That's cut and dried and it shows you value his friendship but won't proceed with any other form of relationship with him.
What-ifs can be a dangerous thing.
2006-09-26 12:53:03 · answer #2 · answered by badasslilnici 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Friendships in a committed relationship.
First some defintions:
committed - adj
1: bound or obligated, as under a pledge to a particular cause, action, or attitude
2: associated in an exclusive sexual relationship [syn: attached]
relationship - noun
1.a connection, association, or involvement.
2.connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3.an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4.a sexual involvement; affair.
friendship – noun
1.the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2.a friendly relation or intimacy.
3.friendly feeling or disposition.
When someone is in a "committed relationship", they should no longer persue active friendships with the opposite sex. Why? because the only reason that men persue a "friendship" with a woman is 1) because she is attractive and 2) because they want to have sex with them. If you don't believe me try this. Ask your "friend" out to dinner and over dinner ask him if he finds you attractive - after he say yes, ask him if he would like to sleep with you (a no strings attached thing as you still want to keep him as a friend).
The only reason women maintain a relationship with the opposite sex (that would be men) is because there is something in your current relationship that isn't working for you (and you usualy have known it from the start or else you wouldn't have kept those other men around). These guys make you feel wanted/needed and in demand. In this case it is a single person but this still holds.
What surprises me is that both of your spouses have allowed this to go on like it has. It seems neither one has a clue as to what you two have been up to.
There is no way to get out of this without hurting and losing someone. You just need to choose who is going to be hurt and who will be lost. Keep in mind that since he is already professing his love for you that even if you break it off now that things could escalate and you could lose everyting (husband, kids?, him.. everything).
The best you could hope for is to tell him that you feel that the ammount of time you are spending together is more than you can afford right now and that you need to put more effort and time into your marriage (and then DO that). Hopefully he will take the hint.
2006-09-26 12:18:47 · answer #3 · answered by .... 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just tell him, u value the friendship and care for him as just that, a FRIEND. If he can't respect that, tell him you can't talk to him anymore. When people have feelings for someone, they usually cannot hide them no matter how hard they try, and you wouldn't want your husband to find out and jump to the conclusion that something has been going on the whole time. Just be honest and if he doesn't want to comply with your feelings, ditch him, he's not a real friend. A friend wouldn't put you in a situation to ruin your marriage, possibly the life you and your family have. And he should think about what is going on in his family life that has him trying to start something on the side with you. All the best.
2006-09-26 12:11:08 · answer #4 · answered by TRUTH HURTZ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just need to tell him the truth. You have feelings for him too but you love your husband and will not leave him. If he's your best friend he'll understand and will be happy to just have you in his life.
Though it might be a good idea for both of you to take some time apart to get over your feelings for each other otherwise this thing between you could escalate until you slip up and find yourself in bed together and then everything will just spiral out of control from there. You need to control this situation before it controls you.
2006-09-26 12:10:48 · answer #5 · answered by NutterButter 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that must feel good to know that someone who you care about loves you so deeply. But I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he does not love you and should not lie to you! If he were such a good friend and truly loved you the way he says he does then he would tell his wife its over and not want to keep her. He just wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. If you knew him like you say you do, you would have not needed to post such a question. I would end the friendship because it sounds to me like this will get back to your husband who I am sure would be devistated. If you love your husband then end it with your so-called friend. You dont need a friend that will put you in such a position. If he said he would wait as long as he had to then I would say there is some love there. End your problem where it started.
2006-09-26 12:11:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
These are the times in your life where you are faced with decisions that make you who you truly are, not what you portray to be to others but who you are inside. What you do when faced with moral decisions especially when you are happily married will make you a true strong and real person to your self more than to anyone else. Tell him simply and honestly you can not and if you and he were married, you would not do that to him. If he has feeling for you still ...it's because of all that you are that is good and wonderful and all he could do with your true explination is continue to feel in his heart that you are still that wonderful, honorable, respectful girl and now woman. Be flattered that he still cares but, do the right thing and imagine how it would feel if your husband was being contacted by his long lost ex...would you even want to think they were talking about such emotions? I mean emotions are normal but, it would still hurt you and probably hurt you even more to think that your husband would be so worried about hurting her feelings rather than defending his love and respect for you.
2006-09-26 12:28:46 · answer #7 · answered by givemeprivacy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would remind him nicely that you made a promise to your husband to love, honor and cherish him. You can tell him that you value the friendship but are not willing to risk a marriage for it. You should also let your spouse know if this other man starts to get really innapropriate. He might have been your friend when you were young but he sounds like his intentions have changed. Maybe you'll have to break this friendship off. Hopefully you won't. But if he gets the impression that you'll cheat on your husband because he wants you then i'm sorry to say that he's not interested in your friendship.
2006-09-26 12:08:21 · answer #8 · answered by cyber_music 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
End his affair as soon as possible. It wouldn't go anywhere anyways, as both of you are contented with each other's partners. Whatever thing happening between you and the guy are only superficial, and temporary.
Stop seeing him or talking to him on the phone. Move to a new place. Avoid temptation.
Devote more time on your family - as this is what you truly deserve to stay with with - forever.
Tell your husband about this thing that's transpiring. After all these things, doesn't he have a haunch of what's going on around?
Devote more time on your family. This is the only thing that should stay with you - forever.
2006-09-26 12:15:10 · answer #9 · answered by Jason A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I don't see how you can keep talking to him after him saying he was madly in love with you, be careful, one day you will be angry at your husband or ya'll will be having problems and than you will cross some lines with this other fellow, and not only will your relationship be destroyed with your husband but really with him to before it is over with. I think you better either stop talking to him or put your foot down and make sure he knows you will absolutely not allow that "Love" talk.
2006-09-26 12:09:24 · answer #10 · answered by sweet smile 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋