my ex took my 12 yr. old to another state. I had to quit my job and move also. Will this look good in court?

Question

He is trying to make me look unfit because I left him for another man. He says that I can't have any custody if I marry this other man. He changed the locks on the doors when I tried to take my daughter with me at the time of our breakup. As long as I am not with another man, I can see my daughter. Is this a control tactic? He says he will dub me unfit if I push him for custody or for visitation while the boyfriend is around. He says he will bring up my depression medicine, Zoloft. I went to an outpatient hospital for 3 months for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 2 yrs. ago. He took me there after I asked for help. I had started drinking secretly and crying alot and taking sleeping pills at night. But I got help and straightened up.....this was 2 yrs. out of our 23 yr. marriage. So am I unfit in a judges eyes? And he is not perfect, he had to go to anger management therapy--compliments of his job/boss. He also found a viagra bottle in my purse and kept it.

It belonged to my boyfriend. I guess he thought it was evidence for the judge?????
He recorded a nasty phone conversation between my boyfriend and himself right after the bottle was taken. He said he will use that against me as an unfit mom. He wants the judge to think I have problems making decisions and making sound judgements. So he writes down everything !! I have found little black datebooks that he wrote stuff in. He is very organized and anal. Obsessive compulsive and bipolar....just not on medication.....because only wussies take medicine. He always cut me down about that. I know I did wrong by cheating.....but I was so lonely...I confronted him with my feelings and he ignored me. He would not go to counseling because HE didn't have a problem, I did. My daughter needs me. She is approaching puberty and all that it involves this year.....but I can only be around her if I don't have any boyfriends. What can I do? I could list all his faults: temper, roadrage, etc..

But my mom was afraid if we bash each other then the judge might take our daughter from the both of us. i dont want that. And when I suggested psychological interviews with our 3 kids....he got mad and said no. He knows they would have to give examples of his controlling and demeaning nature. My poor son got the brunt of alot of his rage. My oldest daughter is on Zoloft for Anxiety/Panic/Depression.....we all had stomach problems/ nerves....because of him and his obsessive/compulsive self. So how can I avoid losing custody of my daughter because I simply have a boyfriend my ex doesn't like? He is very meticulate in his record keeping of how many times I was with my boyfriend before our divorce, etc.....I am a schoolteacher of l7 years and have a clean record as far as being a caring teacher. All the neighborhood kids came to my house ...but he is so positive he can claim me unfit..I am scared...he also has my daughter wrapped around his finger now...before she was scared of him

For those of you judging harshly, you haven't lived in my shoes. I have lived thru an alcoholic and sexually abusive Dad who told me to keep my mouth shut the day of my wedding going down the aisile! Ouch...and no one knew . When I told my husband it made no difference. He was still cold, uncaring, and controlling and hateful. We dated 3 yrs. and he asked me to marry and move 12 hrs. away from my Dad, and that sounded good to me. So I was accustomed to a bad environment before I married, and then I just settled for it in my marriage. I started having kids and felt trapped and couldn't leave. After I raised my kids, I got the empty nest thing. I became very depressed and lonely. I had given to my family and job and husband for years. I just wanted to be loved. When I met this new man, I was so starved for attention and affection. I decided that I shouldn't have to live the rest of my life out having a nervous stomach and having no sex life or intimacy ...NOTHING. Why ?

my ex called us names all the time..especially idiots....my ex would go in the kids rooms and turn their beds over and throw their toys away and sling trophies everywhere.....he was so mean. My oldest daughter ran to the neighbors house crying and they prayed for her until she fell asleep. He put me in the car pregnant and drove 100 miles an hour over a bridge in New Orleans until I hyperventilated......He put a 12 gauge in my mouth while I laid on my back on the floor..in front of our kids...he would never let me have money, come and get my teaching check at school before I could cash it.....and I can't tell you how many times he made the kids cry and me. On top of all of this, we didn't sleep together and sex sucked. I thought he was gay at times. I even bought sex instruction tapes thinking I didn't please him. So before you judge...think what this did to me as a child of sexual abuse....rejection is not a good thing...and emotional neglect....no eye contact.....no hugs/kisses

Answer 1

I am not sure what state you reside in, but in most there is a no fault divorce. That means that adultry won't play a role in your divorce. Your husband would have to prove that you will be putting your children in harms way, or you are engaging in illegal behavior while your children are in your care. He CANNOT refuse you visitation based on your PTSD or depression if you aren't violent. Keep a log of what he has done as far as refusing visitation, and get an attorney and fight for custody. You can file paper work with the courts to grant you temporary custody while you are going through the divorce. That will be up to the judge as to whether or not you will get custody. Good luck and remember you CAN BEAT HIM AT HIS OWN GAME with an excellent attorney.

Answer 2

You allow this man to have too much control over your life. He is emotionally blackmailing you because you left him. Men leave their wives for other women and never have to go through the things you did. I believe a judge will be understanding every one now days go through some type of depression even judges. You should have never let changing locks on the door stop you from getting your daughter. You should have just picked up the child at school and went from there. If you are not physically or mentally harmful to the child his case should be very weak. Yes, he is trying to control you with telling what you can and can not do. Get yourself a lawyer. Now you do know that since he left the state with your daughter that you can file kidnapping charges against him especially if you you did not have a prior custody court order. Get yourself a lawyer and find out your rights. Do your research on the Internet. So that when you go to see a lawyer you will know some things and be able to ask questions.

Answer 3

He is 100% within his rights to keep his children away from a mother who is a liar and a cheat regardless of your opinion of yourself. Were you my wife and pulled the stuff you did you would be experiencing the exact same treatment. I would also have procured the best divorce lawyer in town and would drag every sordid aspect of your personality into open court. It would all be there, clinical depression, dependence on drugs, lack of employment, cheating, Viagra, abandonment. I would claim anger management training as an employment imposed health care
method which was required for dealing with a life influenced by a person like you. None of the reasons for your straying will hold up in court. To use them might make you seem less culpable to family but will make you look foolish in front of a judge. Quit making excuses for your plight.
Presumably you care more about your children than you do your boyfriend. At this point you look pretty dirty here. The best you can do at this point is set the boyfriend aside, concentrate on work, get a good lawyer and work on your divorce. Get rid of this other guy until the divorce if FINAL. You need to clean up and establish a life of your own where you are not dependent on the opinion of men. Its time to clean up your act and do this the right way from here on or you will suffer long term.

To the people who do not care for this answer, Oh well. This is how this will go if some change in attitude is not exhibited soon. This is a sad case and I would never reccommend that any kids not have access to their parent. But having this guy hanging around is the number one reason she's in trouble. Its time to put him aside for a while and take care of business.

Answer 4

Does he have court order custody? Then no, he can't just leave and take your daughter across state lines without your approval...
I'm afraid he has a better chance at obtaining custody because you stated that you LEFT for another man... that will probably look as abandonment, and it doesn't matter if you were coming back for your daughter or not. You should have taken her when you left...
Once custody is determined, the only way he can prevent your new man from being involved in visitation is if there is a history of abuse or child endangerment in your new man's past. From what you described, his past isn't all that squeaky clean so you may have an excellent chance in court to obtaining custody. Some judges may look at his act as next to kidnapping and the fact he took her across the state line would involve a Federal case.

Obtain an attorney and let them know everything that's happened.

Answer 5

Well, if there isn't any court papers for custody established, legally bot of you have joint custody. He can not keep you from your Daughter. If there isn't a restraining order for you not to come near her, again he cant keep you away. Call the local PD and see if one of them will go with you to see or get her. Technically, from what I was told, if your daughter is in let's say...a grocery basket, he isn't physically holding her..legally you can take her. Look into your local laws about "parental kidnapping" As far as you moving across state to be near your daughter, make sure that you live in a secure stable environment. Have a job, a apartment (no extended stay places), and if possible..her own room. This will show the judge stability! Look online at your local laws concerning custody. Each state is different. Also research "Paper evidence used to win custody cases" I am doing the whole custody thing right now...can you tell!?!

Answer 6

It really depends on his lawyers. I know some good lawyers that could make anyone look bad. You have to present yourself as a good mother and prove that to the judge and jurors. Explain how you did lose control of your sense and became depressed, we are human and he does happen to everyone. The fact is that you seeked helped and you are on medication therefore these breakdowns will not happen again. You saw there was a problem and you were able to solve it.

I think your husband is very upset and the fact that you left him for another man made him extremely unhappy that now he is trying to make your life miserable by taking away your child, espeically if it is a daughter. We know that this girl will need a woman role model and unless your ex husband has another female by his side he will unable to take control of her during her teenage years.

I am sure the judge has seen plenty of cases like these. You just have to remain strong and prove yourself. I feel like you can win this against your husbands jealousy!

Answer 7

First, you need to get a lawyer and file for divorce ASAP. Your attorney should file Temporary Orders for Custody (this will get your daughter back) The Court will most likely appoint a Guardian ad Litem to represent the best interests of your daughter. This is not going to be easy, he is going to be an @ss to you because he's hurt and angry. The GAL will determine based on the facts and personal observances who the child should remain with. He can not legally keep you from her just because you have a boyfriend (unless the boyfriend has "questionable" past with the Court) Good luck and hang in there. Start keeping your own journal of things that happen just to cover things on your end.

Answer 8

I have an eleven year old daughter and have ,unfortunately,had my share of visits to Juvenile and domestic relations court. My first advice is to stop being intimidated by this man and get an attorney.If you do not have much money contact Legal Aid- they can at least offer advice.
Your ex has absolutely no right to keep you from your child. Whatever happened to you in the past-is in the past. As long as you are no longer drinking, and have gotten treatment-the court generally looks the other way. The judge in my case kept repeating- unless GROSS negligence is proven,parents have equal rights to the child. Because you no longer want to be with your husband, you can no longer be with your child?Thats just crazy. Why are you letting him call all the shots?

Answer 9

Ok, your husband is clearly down to play some serious hardball. You're going to need the biggest, toughest, craziest lawyer out there to get you out of this. Truth, he has a lot of ammo on you and may actually believe you to be unfit. Mostly it does sound like he's jealous. Maybe while getting a laywer you can try to reason with him that none of this is good for your daughter and he's risking hurting her emotionally with all the trauma and stress from his decisions. You must act now as adults and take in her best interest.
PS. Shame on you for breaking up a marriage for your own needs and wants.

Answer 10

Wow, you really have alot of problems going on. First of all, you need to stop listening to your ex. You left him for a reason, remember that. Second, only the court can prove a mom unfit. You need to write down what he does and says that is negative. Record it if you can. You contradicted yourself, first you said daughter was reaching puberty, then you stated that your kids were grown. I'm not sure what the truth is. I do know that if you are on medication to help your nerves, that will not look good to the judge. You need to decide if you really want your children and focus on them. Do not go into court and argue with your ex. Remember the judge is going to choose who is best for the children. Stop fighting with your ex. You are giving him satisfaction and the amunition he needs to prove you unfit. Good luck and GOD bless.