I have been with my partner for 4 years & 1 month ago he told me he wanted some space, so I moved out for a few weeks. We still saw each other every day because we work together but we just wasn't living together. Last weekend he told me he met someone else recently & he has had sex with him a few times. He said he is sorry, but he doesn't know what he wants. He says we was "split up" at the time, but i just thought we had moved out. I want to be with him because despite what he has done I love him, but obviosuly I am finding what he has done hard to cope with, & I dont know how to forgive him. I dont know whether it will get easier as time goes on but at the minute I am very upset at what he has done to me. I am jealous as well because he wanted to do it with the other lad, & we have not been having sex a lot. I want to forgive him but I dont know whether I can, also I dont know whether he wants to be with me or not. He says he loves me & I believe him. Will it get easier with time?
2006-09-26 02:20:53 · 19 answers · asked by d_b330 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
He wants to go out with me on Thursday, like a "date". He has said to me if we do give it another go, it will have to be as if we have just started going out. I just want to be with him again, I love him. I am ok sometimes but i get upset a couple of times a day when I think about the intimate details. I'm not gonna do anything with him until he is tested at least, but he doesnt want to do anything with me anyway at the moment. Even thought the trust has gone, he knows how upset I am and how heartbroken I am, so I dont think he will do it again. I might just be being stupid. I dont know whether I should go out to dinner with him on Thursday.
2006-09-26 02:38:13 · update #1
dani_kin : i have been with the guy for 4 years, i love him, he told me he wanted some space, not he wanted to go out and get f*cked. he told me just wanted to think things over. i have not been with anyone else, i would never do anything like that to him, until i knew it was definately over, and even then i wouldnt go out and look for a f*ck in the first week
2006-09-26 02:53:29 · update #2
I have been where you are. It hurts. It takes your breath away.
Here is my best advice, but you probably won't take it, anymore than I did (at first):
Tell him you will not see him, because you have to start getting over him and move on. ( Do not give in. The longer you put this off, the longer it will take for you to start healing. It may take years for you to get over the pain, so start today.)
He lied to you. He cheated on you. He was probably interested in or already cheating on you when he wanted "space."
Someone who wants "space" wants space from YOU so he can do something sneaky that he can't do with you underfoot.
Some one who loves you and is in the same place as you would not do this to you. ACTIONS speak louder than words.
He would break his neck to stay with you and be worried about YOU wanting "space."
Now, he has had sex with someone else, and perhaps found it less of a thrill than he thought.
So now, he wants to come back "home" where it is all safe and cozy and he knows he is loved/spoiled.
How many times will you let him do this before you figure out he doesn't respect you and your needs or feelings? Pick a number, because that is how many times he will do it, before you have had enough. My number was 3.
Did he know that if he cheated on you, he would lose you? Did he care? He needs to GET that he hurt you and you feel he cheated on you.
For several months, I was broken up and hurting. I dated others-and he heard about it.
Then he called me. He said he didn't know why I should ever trust him again. I said, I didn't. That he was unstable and selfish.
Something I used to get past it all:
" I don't know what you have to do to make me trust you again. You are welcome to try. Don't tell me you love me-show it."
He had to be where he said, he had to please me and show me he was sorry, and that I was worth the effort. That he really GOT it, and was willing to make it up to me.
He decided I was worth keeping---I did not follow him or watch him or call him. HE called ME.
That was 4 months ago, and we just rented a house together and he willingly paid for it all. It is a house I can afford by myself and I am still leary and insecure, even tho he has given me no reason.
I understand he is a "flight risk" and have decided that if he takes one misstep, HE will be gone for good. He knows the price tag for even looking like he is not devoted to me.
I WILL BREAK UP WITH HIM!
Because, I know what the pain for him to leave ME is like, and I won't suffer it again.
So far, so good.
Good luck sweetheart.
abqdan is right on! My limit was monogamy and devotion-period!
2006-09-26 05:18:47 · answer #1 · answered by Lottie W 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you feel he is worth it, you can give him a second try. Know, though, that people do not change over night. Whatever the cause of this need for "space" and to go sleep with someone else is, there's a very good chance that it's still around. If he seems genuinely sorry for what he's done and genuinely interested in repairing it, and if you feel that you can eventually trust him again and forgive him, then by all means, go for it.
Having said that, here is how I would handle the situation (having been through one similar). I know that I would never be able to do such a thing as fully forgive him and trust him completely...not in the way that two people in love should trust each other. To me, he says "I love you." My response is that if love was truly involved, this would have never happened in the first place, and thus every utterance of those words on his part become meaningless. A partner may hurt me with harsh words or actions...and those I can forgive and forget entirely. This level of betrayal, though, is one that I know I could never deal with and keep the realtionship together. I would always be worried that it would happen again, and that single thought would drive me mad. So...if you can do it...you are a far stronger person than I.
2006-09-26 03:42:23 · answer #2 · answered by sailordelta 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men like monogamous relationships - many don't. You need to decide if you are OK with an open relationship. From my experience, it's likely he's had an occasional playmate over the last four years - this doesn't usually just happen out of the blue. So if you get back together, you should decide together what frequency - and what activities - are acceptable.
Things to think about when deciding rules on your open relationship:
Can you spend a night with someone else, or do you have to come home after sex?
Is anal OK, or is it limited to oral?
Do you have to tell each other you've played with someone, or is it OK just to do it?
Is it OK once a week/month/whatever, but not twice a week...
Do you want to do three-ways, or is this something you'll do separately?
Can either of you bring playmates home, or is all activity to be out of the house?
These are just a few questions I know friends have gone through when deciding on the parameters of their relationships. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own limits.
If you are not comfortable with any such external activity, you'd be much happier in the long run going through the break up now, than living through the agony of doubt and wondering what he's up to when he's not with you - that's a horrible way to live, and it just delays the inevitable.
2006-09-26 03:37:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you can answer this question. Really now.
People will give you tips that will confuse you even more. Most of the people who just tell you to leave him, have had a bad experience apparently and they regret the fact that they didnt let go sooner, and now they tell everyone who is hurt to let go as if they dont know how hard this is.
You sound like a very good person, and I dont think that you are with a bastard, humans are known to be complicated and this doesnt mean that he doesnt love you. But it is you who know this better, you know your priorities better and you know how easy or hard it is to forgive him. What you need now is a friend to support you, and not preach you and advise you on what to do.
I wish you all the best, and I really hope it works for you.
My small tip, would be to buy a book about sex and see what new things you could do. Because it seems to me that his is fine and that he loves you, but it is the sex life he is bored of.
Take care.
2006-09-26 03:29:41 · answer #4 · answered by Nostromo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'll send a prayer out to you, May the lord bring you strengh.
Reading your question you are scared that even if you take him back he will end up cheating on you and leaving you if you go back to him. There is now quick fix for this. This will take time and proof on his part through actions. It may or may not get better. That is a gamble you have to decide to take. Do you feel he is worth it? Is he worth the risk of getting your heart broken again by him? Is he worth making it work? You decide, no one else can.
I can tell you want to be with him. You need to talk to him and find out if this is even possible. You may already have lost him. It does sound like this is highly probable. If there is a chance, seek out help through a marriage counselor. This would help a lot. Help you both see why the split happened in the first place. Maybe he can fix some of the problems.
Mostly listen to your heart. Listen and read what you have wrote in here and told to friends. You already know what you want, you know inside, deep inside if you can have it or if you should let it go. Good luck and God bless.
2006-09-26 02:29:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some people take longer to realize what they truly want, but your partner has to understand that that search sometimes comes at a price. Even if you do stay with him, he has to understand the consequences of what he's done and be ready to face them.
As to whether to forgive him, only you know your capacity for forgiveness. Are you going to doubt him forever, or do you think you could truly let this go and move forward in your life?
I was in the same situation, only my gf didn't admit it...I found out years later. I stayed, and while it is a daily struggle for me, I choose to try to move forward since I believe there is a lot to stay for.
I know how hard it is to forget, and truthfully you probably never will. The question is - can you still find it within yourself to believe you could someday trust him again? Is there enough good in the relationship that makes it worth fighting through all the negative feelings right now?
Good luck, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. Believe me, I know how tough this one can be. Only you can decide what's right for you in your relationship.
2006-09-26 02:27:10 · answer #6 · answered by tsdeck5 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you love him enough to forgive him?
Is he worth keeping?
Only you can answer this question. He told you he wanted space - which basically means he wanted to be able to play the field and keep you on a string till he decided if you were what he wanted - or not.
Sounds like he still loves you, but he needs to decide if he is willing to make a committment to only you.
Why don't you go explore other relationships and see if maybe you are better off with out him.
It is a hard road, but only you and him can decide if you are right for each other, and be willing to be with only each other.
Did I mention getting him tested before sleeping with him again? You should do that - esppecially if you normally do not use condoms or have oral sex.
Good luck, sorry for your broken heart. It will heal.
Terri
2006-09-26 02:26:23 · answer #7 · answered by Night Train 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Mainly, tell him all of this. Starting out or not, Communication needs to be a big part of the relationship. OPen relaitonships were mentioned, that is one possibility, otherwise, even with 4 years invested, if you can not come to an agreement over this or at least reach a point of mutual comfort, then you need to walk away now before it become 10 years invested and he is walking out the door.
2006-09-26 03:47:58 · answer #8 · answered by mresl2005 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that your feelings are just hurt because he is having sex with someone who isn't you. I mean, you two were clearly taking some space, you had moved out, and it doesn't matter how often you see each other, it is pretty clearly a situation where your ex can see other people without your permission. I don't think he did anything wrong, and he certainly didn't break your trust unless he promised you that he wouldn't f*ck anyone else. So I think this "trust" issue is a load of bullcrap that you're making up because you're feeling shitty and dumped.
If you love the guy that much, and are willing to live in a sexless relationship all your life, then stick it out, but make sure to haul his a$$ into counseling. You need to deal with your melodramatic jealousy issues, and he needs to clarify that he really wants to work on this relationship with you.
If you want to be with someone who actually f*cks you, or the idea of years of therapy is making your head, heart, and wallet hurt, then DTMFA.
2006-09-26 02:47:25 · answer #9 · answered by dani_kin 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Forgive is really a hard thing to do. But try giving it a chance once and for all. You never know, there's a saying, It works best for a second time around. Partner do makes mistake. So it's up to you to decide for the final decision. Good Luck!.
2006-09-26 04:46:16 · answer #10 · answered by javo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋