how can i make it better?

Question

my husband and i have been married for 9 yrs now.. and it seems like i'm the only one doing everything household wise.. and when it come to time for bed he's like why dont you do this or do this and by the time for bed i'm tired.. why should i have to start it i just did laundry all day cleaned the whole house folded and put everything away polished furniture and vaccumed and took care of 2 kids.. he says that i dont love him anymore or im cheating on him because i dont start anything .. but geeze im tired.. and i want some love and affection to show me he appreciates what i do all day..dont get me wrong he is a good man and i love him to death and i know he works a 10 hour day but so dont i in the house.. how can we meet in the middle. sometimes it leads to arguments because he says im cheating or just not interested in him anymore.. and none of that has ever crossed my mind. he is my soul mate

Answer 1

Soul mates don't act like it is a one sided affair.
Once you get tired and pissed off show her your tantrums ones in a while telling him, he only loves himself etc., like turning the table on him... he cheats on you, he thinks only of himself in spite of everything you are doing for him and for you kids he still had that idea you are cheating on him, it is because he is the one cheating on you,,, so he is trying to hide it by playing it on you,,, something like that,,, even if it is not true..
Make him realize you also have your needs you also need love and understanding etc., etc., etc.,,,

Maybe he will realize and wake up..

Nine years to 10, 14 to 15, 20 up and 30 yrs are the hardest part of married life,, it is the years of challenging and hard life's up and down.. or rocky hills so they say..

Be patient,, but do your tantrums once in a while so that he will also see your side...
If this will not work,, then he is not your soul mate because soulmates share in everything, in every chore in the house even if he is already tired working 10 hours.

I usually work 16 hours and I still find time to go to grocery for her and help her in cooking and in laundry when our kids were small...That's because we are soulmates.
Now all are grown up and have family of their own..
You can survive... Pray hard... Good Luck.

Answer 2

Explain to him that you're just too tired, since you work even longer hours than he does, and you don't get to leave your work at work, and come home away from it. If you've got the money, suggest hiring a housekeeper to help out around the house once or twice a week. If you don't have the extra money, note his sexual desire peaks during a week's time; does he want sex every night, or every other night, etc? Plan to do your most tiring duties on the days he's most likely not to want sex that night.

Another thing you can try is always want it, and want more of it than he wants. There is almost always one person that wants sex more than the other, and it can change, if the one that doesn't want it as much, suddenly starts wanting it more. Expect him to do it every night, and tell him you haven't had enough yet. Pretty soon he'll be the one that doesn't want it as often, and/or will not want to exert the extra effort to try to have to please you after he has spent his load. However, before you do this, buy some vitamins or start drinking more juice or something so you can tell him that must be why you are always in the mood now [as if it is supplying your body with something it was missing]. Otherwise he might figure out what you are doing. It won't be easy, because you'll be tired, but if done right, so will he be every night.

Answer 3

Let him know that you do not think household chores are a form of foreplay! You need some time to "get in the mood"! Ask him to call you from work a couple of times a day, and tell you that he has been thinking about you, and how sexy you are, and what he would like to do to you when he gets home! When he does this, tell him it might be a good idea if he brings dinner home! Then after dinner, tell the kids you and daddy are tired and you are gonna "take a nap"! Let them watch tv, do homework or go to their friends house, or whatever works for their ages. It takes both of you to keep the romance alive after nine years, so be creative! He will follow your lead if you make the first effort. By the way, next time you are in the laundry room, call him in there while the washer is spinning out, pull up your dress and sit on it...he will know what to do next!

Answer 4

You could start by sitting him down and telling him everything you just wrote right here. Communication is the key... you both have to talk and discuss what each other is feeling and leave the accusations out of the conversation.

Another remedy is to establish times and dates... you'll agree to go out on a date or you'll meet each other in the bedroom at a certain time. With this, you can give a reminder that you want to meet him at that time, but you'll also need some help with the laundry, the polishing, the kids, etc, in order to finish up in time.

Answer 5

If you are a stay at home mom it might seem like a LOT of work.
It may be simply a function of scheduling. Set the time aside for chores and do them . Nap time usually works. As far as the children go get them bathed and in bed early, 8:30 ish. Unless they are 10 that is not too early. Save an hour at night every night
for couple time and your interest might return. Do not make your mother and housekeeper role into an all day job. It should not require that much time. Make your time more efficient and make sure to set aside some time for yourself and your marriage. If you do not do this you will find out at some point he will no longer be asking for your attention. Then you are in marriage decline.
If you were to hire a housekeeper I think you will find that they complete the daily chores in a couple of hours. Try to learn how they do that and copy their techniques.

Answer 6

OK, here goes. He may not be your soul mate. There, I said it. However, maybe he is. Now...I realize you're also tired, and I would agree that it's not fair, but how about giving it a month or two of you taking the first steps in his direction (whether he earns it or not) then gradually see if the relationship improves. During this time you can also try to express what you would also like. Sounds like it needs a kick-start, and if you don't start it, it may not get started. Either that or leave him and hope to find someone you won't have to work so hard with. Good luck with that.

Answer 7

*reviewing previous answers....

.... soul mates schmole mates.. arrrggg.. that is the dumbest thing I ever heard, every relationship has it's moments as it grows and faces new challenges.

This is VERY common in a relationship. Sounds like you guys are the poster child of the American dream, he works hard to provide and you work double hard to keep it all together.

What to do..... he notices that the room is cleaned, dish's done etc... but it doesn't really register cause, well, he is male and not being sensitive to the situation and expressing what he sees so now your not getting the feed back like you think you should be receiving, ... then he wants sex and or you to prounce on him like some tigress in heat..... *rolling eyes... man that would work for me too.. good dream.. not likely though.


One of the problems is you guys may have gotten into some form of a rut.. you TWO... not family need time alone. You need to make a habit of a Friday night out without the kids and his help in the house the next morn or set some expectations of when he can help or what he can do too help you... you shouldn't have to beg for his help. Try moving bed time up (earlier) shut the t.v.'s off about 1 hr before bed and calm the house down so the little ones will quiet down before bed, calm, quiet.... not loud t.v., click.. off too bed and hurding kids like cats too bed, your husband can help with that...

Alot of this sounds good but not always practicle, sometime it does become uneven on both sides and one does have to pack more then the other, then it will shift the other way.. life .. you know and somewhere in there you make a relationship work. I think he wants a bit of his former young male life back when you had a bit more drive in you.... here is an idea... think about it..
can you have a sister come over and watch the kids friday after school, you then go get a hotel room while he is at work, take in the afternoon quiet with a salad etc.. and he comes home and finds a key to get away. My wife used to tell me, give me a hotel room, a remote to the t.v., recliner and a bottle of coke and I am satisfied! any way, start off with a dinner & conversation, explain that help around the house would be nice, that you are tired and your job is a 24-7 kind of job. If this doesn't click for you try other ways to get some alone time with your husband and throw some interest to him that he finds ..... interesting.


He just isn't getting it... and that is the problem in both cases, no sex and not paying attention to your needs so that makes him double frusterated and this is interfearing with your relationship. It isn't your job to ease his every fear, he needs to buck up and realize... it isn't going to happen at a snap of a finger etc... but you need to understand that he is trying to reach out to you... just doing a lousy job at it.

So this is your chance to assure him that, "No" you arn't cheating, 2. you don't like the comments, 3. stop acting like a brat cause it gets old with the children and 4. if you want to have sex, spend quiet time with me and help around the house! What he will hear of course is, 1.2.3.4. "SEX"... but at least you tried.

Also, it's my turn to jump on you for a bit, why not try to spice it up a bit? Not all the time, but if there is a Saturday morn when the kids are watcing cartoons etc.. The smallest gesture on your part is like a cheerleading squad for your husband... "Go Randy, go Randy.. it's your birthday... Rhaaaaa...." or what ever... makes him tick...

Is he going to be like this the rest of his life, no... at about 45 years old or so the drive will slow down and then .... another change is in the works... *this is when you roll you eyes to the sky and say... my gosh men are a royal pain in the arss...

good luck.

Answer 8

Ok, I say you protest or something. What I mean is, don't clean the house for a few days (add some mess too) and see what he does. Or confront him. If he doesn't meet your demands then protest. He might start to appeciate you if he sees what the house looks like if you don't clean it. Ya'll could both take a vacation. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just a weekend together, you and your husband, no kids. And here's a note for you: don't forget to relax during the day. Watch some tv or listen to music or something, it doesn't have to take all day. Just 15 to 30 minutes, twice a day or more. Just relax, and do it.

Answer 9

I can feel your exhaustion! They dont get it because they think we are hanging around watching TV and playing with friends...I always worry when a spouse accuses another of cheating without solid proof, it makes me wonder if the pot is calling the kettle black. But lets leave that aside, especially since he is your soul mate.
Try doing what my mom did when I was younger...go on strike. Dont do anything for others only yourself. They will see what you do all day. WARNING: my mom spent about 2 weeks catching up when her strike was over! We didnt do anything either. But after she did that, I was more attentive to helping her so maybe he will figure that out.
Another idea is to give yourself 2 hours to do what you want that's relaxing and will make you feel sexy...Dont we also need that? Feeling beautiful vs run down? Treat yourself better and it will all fall in place...I promise. And dont forget to laugh alot! Hope it all gets better.

Answer 10

It is not unusual that you are feeling this way toward him sexually.
A woman has sex with her partner not just to climax, but to feel an emotional connection. If you feel that he is not emotionally supporting you in other ways, such as helping with the house and the kids, then the first thing you will deprive him of is the sex.
Now it's not a spiteful intention on your part. Its just that you already please him on other levels to the point of where you feel used, and not appreciated. Face it woman today it's very difficult not to feel used, because we play so many roles. We have to be mommy of the year, chef of the kitchen, nursemaid to the household, decision maker, meal planner, sympathizer, and somehow between wiping a snotty nose and changing crappy diapers we have to still stay appealing to our husbands by being a sex goddess in bed. We spend so much time catering to everyone needs that we forget our own, and despise the ones who dont recognize the battles we endure on a every day proccess.
we are always the sacrificial lamb for our husbands and children. We always make sure their needs our met before ours, and this is wrong because what you see is a result of that.
It is not that you are too tired for sex, it is that you have grown tired of having sex just to please your man. What your asking from him is that he please you so you can please each other.
Tell him I need to be touched and loved with passion and fire, then you will never doubt my infidelity. Because baby you will unleash the lion. Tell him a day of chasing kids and singing lullabyes the lion is in it's cage. But at night if you know how to pet me just right I will make sure I dont rip you apart.