My ex and I have been talking. He's the father of my children. I'm ok with us being friends but he wants more. He wants to move back in and says if he can't, he never wants to see or talk to me again. I don't want us to be bitter enemies and he wants everything to go his way or no way at all. He thinks we should live together but I do not love him anymore and he says he cannot stand for us to be apart. There are times he will resort to threats and other times he cries. He blames me for not being able to move on with his life. If you've had this happen, how did you handle it?
2006-09-24 17:18:48 · 23 answers · asked by worried_one 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We've been divorced for over 2 years.
2006-09-24 17:19:38 · update #1
You of course are not responsible for him not moving on with his life. Only he is.
By being friends and talking however he has been encouraged to some extent so while it should be an innocent thing it has worked against you.
He is desperate. He looks back at your life together....knows what he had with you and.....he feels....through no fault of his own has lost it. So he is trying everything he can to get it back.
Of course his denial will only get you in a lot more trouble if you even consider this. If you do go back together nothing will improve and will only get worse. You do not love him and that will not return.
Make sure he knows this and never let your relationship get out of hand.
2006-09-24 17:37:44 · answer #1 · answered by John B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You handle it by saying "im sorry u feel that way, but i dont feel that way about you anymore, and if u feel the need to not see me or talk to me... thats fine..." then turn around and ask "so where should i email or write to u to let u know how the kids are doing".. ask him who he plans on having pick up the kids on his weekends..(since he doesnt want to see you) and should you plan a life of him never coming to any of the kids school functions or extra ciricular activities.. because YOU will be there.. and ur not going to stop being a parent just because he cant seem to get over the past..
He's actting like a spoiled child that is threatening when he cant get his way so treat him like one.. dont let him get to u .. when he sees that tactic isnt working he'll try something else lol...
2006-09-25 00:39:24 · answer #2 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Doesnt sound like you've been divorced at all. You've already let this go on much too long. Stand firm girl. He's talkin thru his hat.
If he never sees or talks with you again, so what. And ya know that's not gonna happen. You dont need to be bitter enemies. But you both need your own individual lives.
He can see the children. However with his instability, I'd be concerned.
2006-09-25 00:36:07 · answer #3 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He was abusive, huh??? The emotional is always the worst of it too. Been there, done that, do NOT want to go back. I would play very calm, but still be "undecided" as far as he knows....let him make his threats...record them on paper, right it down every time, and the date....then I would go for full custody and child support, without visitations because he doesn't sound too good an influence.... don't give in, and it isn't good at all for kids to have excuses made for an abuser.... they learn from everything. Also, who gives a crud if he considers you an enemy???? Would you care if a car thief liked you???....NO! So why would you care if someone who is trying to rob you of freedom of choice and your dignity likes you or not. He cannot blame you for his own failures. And why should you care if he fails? He sound unkind.
2006-09-25 00:35:23 · answer #4 · answered by Country 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do what is best for u and don't let his antics dictate what u should do with your life. He sounds very controlling and if there's no returning back to him, u must stand your ground and don't fall for his ploy. The next time he says this to u, just tell him that it's all up to him and if he doesn't want to see u or talk to u anymore..so be it. But let him know that u still want him to be a part of his children's lives. It's his choice. Don't let him guilt u into doing something u don't agree with.
2006-09-25 00:39:37 · answer #5 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Laugh . . . just like jdheinegi, yes, my ex said precisely the same thing. How if I was going to move on and let someone else into my life then he would NEVER come to see his son, he would disown him, it would be all over. Exactly as you described it. So I moved on and in about six months he was engaged to another woman and is now demanding half-custody of the wonderful young son he swore he would disown. Quite a turnaround, hey?
Is this man claiming he is going to kill himself if you don't come back? He's better not be. That's the worst blackmail there is and it's not true anyway. If someone is going to kill themselves, they will do it with or without you.
You will be doing him a favour, honestly, if you are firm and tough with him NOW and tell him without any doubt at all that you guys are through. No support messages to him, no being nice, no letting him cry on your shoulder, just tell him once and forever that it is OVER and you would like to discuss visitation and child support for your son as soon as he feels he is up to it. Preferably next week as you are a busy woman.
It is the only way to do it. Trust me, he will probably find it in him to move on one day. They all say that crap. They're men, bless them.
Hey, good luck! And be firm.
2006-09-25 00:34:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry, hon, but your ex is a control freak, and you know this. He's manipulating your emotions and showing no respect for your wishes.
If he wants more and you do not, tell him so. You don't say whether or not his threats are violent or self-destructive. If they are violent, call your local law enforcement agency (or lawyer) ASAP to file a report and get a restraining order.
If he's threatening to hurt himself, first remember: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT; he is sick and needs help. Second: talk to one of his family members or friends and advise them that he is threatening to hurt himself. This man needs a support system and professional help. That does not mean "you." You need to move on with your life.
If you find it too difficult to reason with him, and were a long-time couple (not married), get a mediator to arrange child visitation. If you two were legally married, the Court will set provisions for child visitation and child support.
If he refuses to get counseling and continues to threaten you (with his own demise), you are going to have to accept and prepare for it. If he continues to threaten you with bodily harm or taking the children from you, call your local law enforcement agency and get-that-restraining-order!
Hiring a lawyer is a good idea in your case. If you cannot afford one, call your local Legal Aid Agency.
Good luck.
2006-09-25 00:54:07 · answer #7 · answered by niteowl716 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you divorced... you knew it was a possibility that it would be an ugly divorce and that could lead to the two of you hating each other and never speaking again. You were prepared to let him go.
Nothing has changed.... you still don't want him that way. Don't be forced to do something that you worked so hard to get away from.
Just my thoughts....Good Luck!!
2006-09-25 00:50:59 · answer #8 · answered by Tony 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its time for you to move on you shouldn't even be having such conversations with him there is nothing alone those lines to discuss with him. So you have to take control and don't even entertain the thought of even talking to him about anything but the kids. He happens to be one of those types of guys that will take anything as a hope or possibility just you being nice he takes that as a possibility so you have to make sure you give him no indication at all that you could be even remotely interested in what he is saying.
2006-09-25 00:24:23 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes, this has happened to me too. My ex (father to my first daughter) pretty much gave me the same ultimatum, all or nothing. It was really hard at first but i chose the 2nd option as i was no longer in love with him. After about 3 years he found a new love and now we are great friends. I think when you have had a child with someone there is always going to be a special bond but don't let that bond you have with them ruin your (and their) chances of finding true love and happiness. 10 years on we both laugh about it and he thanks me for giving him the chance to meet his current partner. I'm happily married but still talk to him regularly on the phone. sometimes i miss him and he still misses me but life only ever moves foward
2006-09-25 00:28:00 · answer #10 · answered by blahblahblah 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋