its september, I have had sex with my wife maybe 6 times this year. Am i alone or is other marriages like this

Question

married 10 years +
2 kids
we both work busy schedules

Answer 1

10 years, 2 kids and busy sched...what else do you expect!

Answer 2

You're not alone. When I was married the first time -- I'm female -- I was in my mid-20s, average age to get married, to a man slightly older than me. I was young, naive, and just really wanted to get married and I ignored a lot of signs. The sex tapered off -- his refusal always, never mine -- and by the time I got divorced 3 years after we married, we had had sex 3 times in 3 years.

He would not talk, kiss, touch, or open up. There were issues in his childhood that he refused to acknowledge even existed, much less seek help for. He told me in one 5-minute conversation (long for him) that he was abused by his step-father growing up in Appalachia. Tip of the iceberg.

I highly suspect he was not only physically abused by his stepfather and possibly his step-siblings also, but he very well was almost certainly emotionally and possibly verbally abused. He tried the emotional and verbal abuse on me, but being an English teacher, I won all the arguments, and he got nowhere. I highly suspected that he was so far back in the closet that he could not see the door, but the latent gayness was all over the place. And I highly suspected he was clinically depressed but undiagnosed.

Your situation is a bit different. I had no children by choice, and still don't have any, by choice, but I am married now to a wonderful man who is my soulmate. Life is so much better. We love and accept each other unconditionally. My ex-husband and I both worked, but there were no kids in our situation, so yours is more complex still.

Besides having kids and both working, this probably accounts for about 80% of the tiredness. Don't be offended, but most American males have no clue what women do in a day not only at their job, but also doing the "second shift" at home. You would do well to invest in a maid once a week to clean your house and do your laundry if you could possibly afford it. Override your wife's objections (she may very well welcome it), and just do it. Very possibly her work AND her motherhood duties AND her wife duties are just too much and sex is just not on the menu because her plate is already wayyyyyyyyyyyy too full.

I'd also suggest that you look for other ways to co-parent a full, equal 50% share, and do a full, equal 50% share of housecleaning too. Don't just "help out"... you live there, too. Step up to the plate and be a real co-parent and a co-house holder and clean as much as she does, if not more. Do whatever you can to lighten her load, because she sounds like she has a lot on her right now.

Cheers, K

P. S. I'm amazed to read some of the other responses out there. There are a lot of sex-deprived people out there. My best advice is to leave work at work, create more time for each other at home. Your relationship together existed before any kids existed, and it's my firm belief that adults always come first no matter what, and children are always secondary to adult agendas. Put them there and keep them there. Your relationship is important, so prioritize it. Prioritize pleasure! It's something that not enough people do in our still rather Puritan society.

For everyone else, I'd urge you to take a good look at your relationship. Are you better off with or without this person? Only you know the answer. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship; there are many other things in a relationship. But if sex just DIES in what used to be a formerly loving, open, affectionate partnership, then something has gone off the rails somewhere, and needs to be fixed. Fix it, people, and get back in bed! ;)

Answer 3

People want it all these days!
Well I definitely don't think you're alone about it. Also I don't think it's the end of the world.

It's normal to be married for a while and the sex is less frequent. Especially when you have small kids and a busy schedule. Why people don't just accept it already is beyond me...

People who count times, complain and whine about it is the worst I know.

Answer 4

Wow! Six whole times! I'm envious. It's probably been 6 times in the last 3 years if even that. One of the reasons why we're separated now. It's not been because of lack of interest on my part no matter how busy it's important enough to me that I'd make time for it. My spouse found that j-ing off to Internet porn required a lot less effort and time. It's important to make time to connect with your spouse. You lose sight of what's important sometimes.

Answer 5

You are not alone. You would think that the longer you're married, especially when the kids aren't toddling anymore, and you've built a life together, married couples would do it whenever they got the chance. I think life just gets in the way - gotta get up early, don't wake the kids, walk the dog, stress, stress, stress. And I think...the more stress, the less sex, even when you're still in love. Very sad.

Answer 6

I have been married for 5 and i had 2 one has moved out and now i have one and we have not had sex in a year. Yes after a period of time it slows down but i am different. Mine has stopped. He was not into it to begin with. I never thought he would stop.

Answer 7

All depends how old you are also.
Do you both miss it?
Take a day off hehehe...start in the morning...with little pats on the but and doing nice things? I dunno.
But I am sure that any reasonably smart couple could figure out a way to make time for sex if you both really wanted it.

Answer 8

Join the crowd. I feel your pain. It used to be once a day then went to once a week and then once a month and now I go weeks without.
The schedules and then put the KIDS schedules on top of it. WOW! The worst id 10-15 year old because they have no driving privileges and we have to take them EVERYWHERE!
Best of luck

Answer 9

My husband's last marriage was like this and he stated 'you're in trouble, seek counsiling now' He didn't have the children though. But that shouldn't put a huge strain on that part of your relationship. He's now divorced and just remarried me a couple months ago. And he's having the best sex of his life now.

Answer 10

Oh well, I'm single and you are 5 times ahead of me. Maybe you two should work less and enjoy life a little more before it's too late and you find yourself answering questions about being 5 times. . . .

Answer 11

You guys need to cut down on your expenses and have a "date night" once a week..... This isn't unusual, it happened to us and things are much better now. You both need to talk about it and help each other more, tell her how much you appreciate her ( she should do this too). Too tired and too busy equals no sex. So concentrate on each other for a change (you should both come first) I could go on and on