A little personal...?

Question

About ten years ago my parents divorced and my mom was granted custody of my two sisters and I. Two years after my parents divorced my mother remarried and he had two children of his own. Here it is ten years later and I am getting caught up in all of the things I missed. I have never really had a father figure in my life because my dad really was never there. I have always wanted a guy that I could go hang out with and we would go camping, hunting, and do the sports thing together. But since I really never had that male influence in my life I missed out on all of that, I have a step brother who is a sports fanatic, he plays just about every sport and he and his dad (my step-father) connect through that. I don't know if I am jealous but I really feel that I have missed out on some of the things I should have done with my dad. I know I can't go back and I am 19 years old now and will be 20 soon. How can I compensate now, for what I missed out on then?

Answer 1

You sound like my son. He has never had a father figure either. I didnt re marry, so he has really only ever had me in his life. I am sure there is so much he wished he could have done with his father, but his father wasnt interested. I worry about him a lot, but I cant replace his father. I just hope he has learnt enough from me to be his own man. I have taught him to be comfortable with himself. He has self respect and if you have self respect then you will make it. You will find a woman who you will want to settle down with and you can be the father you never had. You will be able to experience everything you never did through your own children. You will be a wonderful father and you will be able to do everything with your children that your father should have done with you.

You cant go back...all you can do is draw on everything you have learnt and I bet you have learnt a lot. People who do it hard are always the strongest people. You would have resources you havent even relied upon as yet. Your step brothers maybe are doing the stuff you always wanted to do, but I would bet my bottom dollar there are things in their lives they are not happy with.

There is no need to be jealous of another person because no-one is better or worse than yourself. You would have some wonderful qualities that other people wouldnt have and vice versa.

I am so sorry you didnt have the relationship with your father that you should have had, but that doesnt mean you are going to be lacking in your life. You will find ways to compensate for that loss, your are a resourceful person, you have come this far and seem quite "together". Like I said, when you become a father yourself you will get back everything you missed, and it will be far better than you could ever imagine.

Answer 2

Your problem is u cant see that there has been a man in ur life for the last 10 years.. a man that is probably just waiting for you to let him in.. to do those things with u....but probably feels that u dont want anything to do with him.. unfortunately u dad wasnt there,.. but theres a man that id be willing to bet has been there for you if u actually looked back and thought about it.. but ur the one pushing him away cause u had dreams of wishing ur own father would do those things with u instead of him.. ur old enough now.. get some money together and perhaps buy tickets, and ask your step dad to go to a game of some sort with u.. or ask him to go fishing or whatever ur both into.. but he's not a mind reader, so u need to make the first step towards him.. your mom loved him enough to know he'd be a good dad to u and ur siblings, and loved him enough to have 2 more children with him.. so he cant be that bad of a guy.. if ur willing to give him a chance.. u may not see it now, but one day when u have kids of your own ur going to realize how much this man did step up to the plate when ur own father didnt.. any man can be a "sperm donor" only special men can be a dad.. and u dont have to have the same blood line for that to happen.. My mom left me , my siblings and my father when i was 4.. my father married my step mother 2 and half years later.. my mom was till in the picture the every other weekend parent but thats about it.. my step mom is the one that took care of me when i was sick, that took me to friends houses when i wanted to go somewhere, shes the one that cooked every night, that did my laundry.. that did all the things a mother should do.. when i was a teenager i hated her.. i thought she was evil and my mother was this great wonderful person and i focused on how my life could of been ... till i grew up and realized, she's the one that was always there, good times or bad, she was there, shes the one that taught me between right and wrong, not my mother.. and although i love my bio mom.. when i need a "mother" i go to my step mom.. and i love her just as much as i do my bio mom.. and now that im a parent i realize more and more what my step mother did for me.. things u just dont realize when ur a kid..
So give ur step dad a chance.. u may be surprised at the results.. and learn from ur fathers mistakes so that u dont make the same mistakes with ur family when u get older and have one of ur own..

Answer 3

I really think its too late to compensate - but it really sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! I kinda know how you feel, even tho I'm alot older than u, I also grew up without a father. My mother didn't remarry - she always said not with three daughters!! I got remarried after I divorced my kids father - hoping to find a man that would be there for my kids since their dad wasn't really (kinda like mine) . Anyhow, it didn't work that way, my kids have ended up not feeling the greatest about my marriage and their dad still isn't really involved with them. So, I guess my point is, you can't control ppl in your lives, can't make them do what u want them to do. You can however help others and maybe become a big brother for a kid that doesn't have a father around like u didn't. I wish the best for you!!

Answer 4

You do have a roll to play...that is as a son first, then an opportunity to be a great example to the younger siblings!
I would not seek comradeship, if it isn't already there...it will come later perhaps...it usually does later...for all these younger children are very time consuming and being that you are virtually an adult... you have to more less find your own way...begin with becoming the best at being just you! And the only way to do this is to begin reading the Bible and ask the Lord to help you become a better Christian and example of what He created you to be. This is the only resolution that seems sensible to me. Don't think on it that you missed out on anything...really it is time to look forward...what you had done without will strengthen you and you can help your younger siblings to be thankful for having
a father...when it comes to them being punished, or rebelling.
You can be a great light in their lives...there is a role for you in all this!

Answer 5

You can't. But lots of kids never grow up with a father figure---- some dads are just too busy, work such long hours that there is little time for things we think should have been in our experiences as growing children. And many kids grow up with no dad at all. You can't miss what you never had, so don't spend a lot of time on it. Strive to be the best person you can, and if you choose to marry, and choose to be a father, find time to do what YOU want to do with your children, all the time realizing that children are not a bonding factor in a marriage, but rather are divisive. You may find being a Big Brother rewarding...... And just as a little extra hint, have children only after both of you are sure your marriage can survive it.... Read some of the questions these people in here ask --- remember 50% of all marriages fail.... (but I digress.)

Answer 6

There are many children who although they've had their dads never got any of that bonding between them. You might be idealising it, creating a picture of something perfect when not everyone has had it.

You say your step father does all this with your step brother. Well I wouldn't go searching for anybody else if he (they) are available.
Don't fear rejection, you've got nothing to loose there. You can go and do some things with them. Maybe you should talk to your mum if you feel bad about joining them (I don't mean driving her into the guilt trip).

You sound like a sensitive, cool guy and I'm sure a they'd be more than happy for you to join in.

Answer 7

I know exactly how you feel. I am now 36 years old and still feel like I'm missing out on something because I never had my biological father in my life...all because he decided not to meet me when I contacted him 16 years ago. I've never layed eyes on him, only spoke with him briefly on the phone. He told me that day 16 years ago that he had already been through one divorce and he doesn't need to go through another (meaning my presence in his life would cause this, I guess). I only wanted to meet him and he was too selfish to even give me that. I explained that I didn't want anything from him other than to meet him. He said what he said and I told him "fine !!" and slammed down the phone. Haven't heard from him since. My step-dad has been in my life since I was 8 years old but he was always kinda like a brother to argue with a lot. We get along okay now but it's not what I needed all these years. I missed out and it makes me mad and sometimes I catch myself feeling sorry for myself over it, but it's no use...I'll probably never meet him and that's just something you and me have to accept about our lives. We have to make the best with what we have and that's just the cold, hard truth. Good luck...you'll gradually get over it, I suppose.

Answer 8

Well, it sounds like you've had a good life lesson on how NOT to be a father. You won't make the same mistakes with your children that your father did with you, because you understand how that feels from the childs standpoint. If you want to try and build a relationship with your biological father now, then by all means try to. But be careful, your father may not want to have a relationship with you, and you need to be prepared for that. Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

I don't know if you can ever compensate but you can give others what you never got . Become a "Big Brother" and give that to a young child that otherwise wouldn't get the chance. You could really make a difference in a childs life

Answer 10

Have you tried connecting with your step-dad? You can see that he enjoys spending time with the family so just make the most of it now. It is never too late to build healthy relationships and make sure that you let your mom know you appreciate her.