Snapshot Happiness
Wrapped in grey sweatshirts
the plastic yellow seats cold under us
white tennis shoes pushing off the mulch
one hand grasping the metallic chains
the other intertwined with yours
mouths wide open:
laughing as we swing into cool October air
Happy
me: knowing this will never last
but hoping anyway
and you: not knowing that for all the times you never loved me
a faded ribbon adorned my wrist
2006-09-24 11:15:54 · 8 answers · asked by Heather 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Beautifully written! There isn't much to say that's bad, so I'll mostly focus on what I absolutely loved.
For one thing, you have a very unique style, and it's obvious that you are naturally talented along with having some writing experience. I love your details and word choice. "White tennis shoes pushing off the mulch" That gives me a great visual, as does the next two lines. Those three lines alone are fantastic.
The poem itself is completely beautiful!
However, the second to last line is a little long. Maybe you could split it into two? Also, I'm not crazy about simply saying "Happy". Elaborate a little, but only if you want to.
Otherwise, it's perfect. A 10 out of 10, for sure. You have a gift, so keep using it please!
2006-09-24 12:25:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this is an amazing poem! It has wonderful imagery and I can really sense the soaring joy but also the underlying sadness in the poem.
I also like how you chose to capitalize the word Happy: it jumps out in the middle of the poem and makes it seem like it is the last hope for the narrator.
The last four lines are so wonderful because they explain each person's view of the happiness:for the narrator, it won't last, and for the other person, "ignorance is bliss" and s/he is unaware that the narrator is suffering...a great poem!
2006-09-24 11:27:21 · answer #2 · answered by Melissa L 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Clever title... the last two lines don't seem to flow, try to keep the syllables somewhere around the same number. Also, instead of happy I would say: contentment.
Make sure you use punctuation too, other than that very nice!
2006-09-24 11:26:39 · answer #3 · answered by Hannah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The aching feeling of lost hope and love never returned. Being caught in the moment, afraid to let the heart feel, yet knowing it does. Happiness disguised, pretending to be happy, but not, you knowing that they never loved you and they not knowing you always loved them.
My heart aches.
2006-09-24 11:24:24 · answer #4 · answered by mjh3056 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not quite understanding y u wrote it in that form, think it could have the dramatic effect i sense ur going for if laid out diff. starts out as more reminiscent of a childhood memory w/ a friend, then one of a lover also. poem of unrequited love?
2006-09-24 11:30:43 · answer #5 · answered by Miss B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a little confusing about what you're talking about. Try to add some clarity here and there.
2006-09-24 11:24:40 · answer #6 · answered by Chicken7065 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful!
And I LOVE the form you used!
2006-09-24 12:16:30 · answer #7 · answered by 2Horses 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good
but don't cut you wrist
OK
2006-09-24 11:19:37 · answer #8 · answered by JOEY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋