Marriage problems. Any advice?

Question

I have been married for six years. My husband and I have been having problems. For a while now, he seems not to want to spend any time with me. He never spends time with our kids. I have talked to him about it. We just end up arguing. I love him, I really do. Its like he is wishing our kids were never born. I have began having an affair with this older man I have been friends with for a while. He loves spoending time with us. My kids love him. He just recently told me he wished we could officially be together. Thing is, I love him too. I need some serious advice only please. I am mid twenties and so is my husband. My friend is fifty

Answer 1

Seems like things are going on, that if your hubby finds out about the affair, which he may already know about, there will be no way to fix it.
Unfortunatley before you jumpped ship you should have gotten to the bottom of your hubby's issues, it possibly was fixable and the relationship repairable.. but now everything is compoundded by an affair and your heart split in two between these two men.

This is a very messy and sticky situation, I am having a sneaking suspicion that your hubby either already knows or is having a gut feeling that something is going on, especially if your children are involved with this other man as well.. I will not be suprised if someone doesnt call you on that one. Please try to get a divorce or stop with the other man and seek counseling to save the marriage... do one or the other fast, because it sends terribly mixed messages to children. They will repeat these issues in their lives by experiencing in now... It took me years to straighten out some damage that I caused by seeing another man.. it was not easy and there are scars and sometimes my hubby will still mentions it.... as does our daughter.

SO you need to sit down and really soul search which is better, what will cause the least ammount if problems with the kids, and what will the end result be if divorced, since there was an affair on your end, the divorce will not be easy and your hubby may make out rather well in this, then there is visitation and custody, childsupport and legal costs.. and then starting a new life with a new man and then what if down the road HIS skeletons come out of his closet and then you are stuck with your children and no man at all... because this other man lied or hid something or changed ones he got you full time and then the new family life started and he doesnt really want it after he is in it.

I have been there, it is not worth it really. I am with my hubby, the other man is gone but I am still paying for it today, it was not worth it.. we worked through our problems and my hubby and I are happier today then ever when we first fell in love, we love eachother more than then as well.

But everyone is an individual.

Good luck, please try to protect your children so they do not have scars because of this.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

my poor dear, it is so hard sometimes to fix something that is broken or even fractured. If you think that you can mend your marriage then try with all your heart but if you know deep down inside that love is not enough to keep you and your husband together then it is time to let go. You are very young and have a lot of living to do, If you are unhappy then make yourself happy never depend on someone to give you happiness you must seek this out for yourself. Make sure that this other guy that you are with is not just someone to fill in the loneliness, but someone that can give you love. My advice would be to find out what you want, and need don't jump to fast, it may look like the grass is greener on the other side but remember both sides must be mowed. depend on self for happiness.

Answer 4

Dear Jess, I wish there was an easy answer to these issues. Money and how it is handled tends to be a major issue in both Christian and non-Christian marriages. St. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5:21 that we are to submit ourselves to one another in the fear of God. This is of course easier said than done. In my marriage, it has taken 5 years to devise a system that works for us and keeps money disagreements to a minimum. I had to give a little (I'm the saver) and she had to give a little (she's the spender). Though our system is not perfect, when two people are willing to work together there is hope. It is important that BOTH of you come up with a plan for saving, spending, giving, etc. that you both agree with. Marriages succeed when the two of you are able to apologize and forgive one another. Then you can work on the problem and not each other! If you have difficulty working a plan that you both agree on, seek your pastor's advice, a financial counselor's advice, or send me an email with some more specifics and I'll be glad to try to help. In Christ Jesus, gloria-dei

Answer 5

You've dug yourself a pretty large ditch.
If you love your husband and want things to work then why would you find another man to be with?
You have to decide who you really want to be with... you can love both but you have to come to your senses and pick one or the other rather then leading them on.
You have to decide if you want to save your 6 year marriage or end the marriage that has made you pretty miserable.
There is no more advice that can help you that anyone on here can give... it's your heart that you have to listen and follow.

Answer 6

Having an affair is not the answer. If you are not getting what you want out of your marriage, then get a divorce. Obviously this older guy likes you because you are in your mid 20's. I am 35, if I wanted to have an affair it wouldn't be with a guy that old.

Answer 7

The classic mid life crisis for older man, trading in his old wife (I bet) for the 20 something gal that is lonely and in trouble with her hubby.
Well, this would be OK, IF THE OLDER GUY is single and you have proof of that. Otherwise you're just headed for more misery.

Guys can be jerks, so please be careful.

Check out the older dude online through using county records, or pay for an online background check. You have to protect yourself.

As for hubby, remember that he will not want a divorce. The credo of "Its cheaper to keep her" will come in to play. If you do divorce DO NOT let the lawyers dictate to you what to do. Try to get hubby to agree on everything and get a dissolution. Far cheaper and quicker than a divorce.

Get your ducks in a row, follow your instinct, and you could wind up a happy woman.

Answer 8

Go back to school and get a degree in archeology?
The old guy will take care of you happily.Can you be happy at 45 when your husband is 70? Physically as well as emotionally?Either way your husband deserves better than to be subjected to your infidelities. You want to go,leave him.Nothing hurts worse than finding out your spouse has been unfaithful.Leave him first then go digging for bones.The children are another potential disaster.Your vows are your obligation to deal w/ they have already witnessed your behavior firsthand,what other lessons are they learning?

Answer 9

You were both oviously in your teens when you got married and the maturity and responsibilities are being felt, If you cant work out your differences then try a trial seperation or more permanent solution as long as you and he keep the kids well being in mind. And you dont need a 50 yr old father figure for a lover,

Answer 10

Hello I am only going to very honest and truthful and do not
take it the wrong way. You need to respect yourself first!
You need to get rid of both and decide what you want for
yourself. First all of your husband does not love you anymore
and second the older man is very insecure; he only wants to
justify his needs and he is looking out for his needs not yours.Believe me you are better off by yourself and you need to get your life together and you are young and you have time to meet the right man. You need to be alone for awhile.
Believe me these are harsh words but someone
should wake you up!! Listen to me hear me because you are in for a big disappointment!! If you continue you will hurt not only
yourself but also your husband and your children; who should
be the focus of attention right now! YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO
SETTLE FOR AN OLD MAN! SORRY BUT I AM ONLY TELLING YOU THE HONEST TRUTH... SORRY IF I SOUND HURTFUL BUT BELIEVE YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.
p.s save this and if you continue with the relationship you will
know that I was right in about 3 months. let me know if I was
right. P.S. I feel the older man is not being honest with you
either be very careful and I wish you the best..