My husband is not close to his sister. We live in the same area, but the only time his sister ever invites us over to the house is three times a year for her three kids' birthday parties. We feel that the only reason we are invited is because she wants us to buy presents/$$$ for the kids. It's birthday time again. We just got invited over there. The last time we were there a couple months ago, the kid asked me what my name was because she didn't know. What is the etiquette? Have you ever been in the same situation? How can we bow out of this without looking like jerks? My husband's sister does nothing but make rude remarks whenever we're around her, and she can't even toss a Christmas cookie our way at Christmastime. The relationship is one-sided with us constantly being obligated to buy presents for the kids at birthdays and Christmas. We don't know why she can't just leave us alone when she is uninterested in us throughout the rest of the year. All advice is appreciated.
2006-09-24 07:53:05 · 12 answers · asked by nido_tr3s 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
do you have kids............if she makes no other attempt at making contact other than at this time then it is up to your husband to draw the line..........whilst it appears to be that neither of you wish to attend it really has to be him that has the final say about whether you attend..if you can get him to do this then I would send a card ahead of time with a very SMALL amount of money / very SMALL gift certificate for the child.
As fo bowing out of it then just say you are sorry but have other commitments.....IF she labours the point then tell her well its not like the kids actually know who I am [repeat the kids remark]
Maybe in her defense this is the only time she has any sort of parties and feels that she has to have a reason to have you visit ?? Have you had stuff at your house and asked her to attend??
I personally can not stand my SIL and totally ignore her but whilst I am not that fond of her two kids I did try to maintain some sort of contact with them, that was until they got old enough to be able to totally ignore us as well so now dont even bother with the most base line of contact................sad to say but families can be a nightmare.
2006-09-24 08:02:57 · answer #1 · answered by candy g 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Good question, I sense your pain. Well you're thoughtful enough to consider your social ability on this issue, "How can we bow out of this without looking like jerks?" It seems the only person who might discredit your sincerity is the sister in law, and from your question it appears she isn't putting forth an effort to be close. However, keep in mind, sometimes we invite people to things because it' s just the right thing to do.. she might be inviting you because it's a family function, kind of like Thanksgiving, if we all that that "person" we don't like but it's Thanksgiving so we invite. Look at the situation from all angles, and without emotion, be objective.
If you really have no relationship with the children, (they know not what they do), then decline. Call up and state, you've actually made other plans and unfortunately you can't be there this year. You aren't a jerk, it's just that you've don't have an emotional tie with the niece/nephews, and that is who the party is for. It's a shame really, but besides the point of your question. Send a card with a small denomination of money, (heck it's only money, and you've put yourself at peace, or gift card), and include the closing, From Aunt ___ and Uncle _____, (if you feel inclined).
Remember, whatever reason, she's antisocial, (you never know about prior family disputes or discomforts), this is about the party. Ask yourself, and remind yourself that you don't need a Christmas cookie from her, to make you realize that you are living a caring, good life, and you're not a vindictive person. Do what feels right, despite her role in all this;, you can only control your reaction and action to her situation, ,not HERS.
Of course it would not kill you to go. The older children get, they find interest in family members, and can develop their own sense of comfort and intrigue about developing extended family relationships. Etiquette isn't entirely based on what is right or wrong in some basic formatted protocal,, but what we feel we are doing, that benefits us.. if you cringe at the thought, then decline, if you are able to deal with it, go with the flow.
If you value her children, and want them to know about you and your husband, be supportive and go and celebrate their special day. If its something that you will go home and rehash her behavior, and it will monopolize your enjoyment over the event, stay home! You likely will have time, later down the road, to reacquiant yourself with those loved ones.
I wish you lots of luck with this one. Be well!
2006-09-24 15:29:52 · answer #2 · answered by Manatee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My sister has the same exact situation. I am not sure what intentions are to have some kind of relationship with your inlaws. What I suggest is, you guys have only two families and you should make things better for the kids sake. It is their family too. Try having just regular family dinners or barbecues. Invite them over. Or invite them to dinner. Kill them with kindness. Things can gp in either two directions, make you guys a closer family or distance yourselfs. If they still don't seem to want to hang out with you guys, then you guys need to have a talk and let them know how awkward everything else. If they are immature about it and talk crap, then you and your husband still have each other. Thats all that matters. You be the bigger person.
2006-09-24 15:05:42 · answer #3 · answered by mary a 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are unwilling to attend because of her lack of respect to you at the functions, then DO NOT GO. I do not believe your relationship with your niece/nephew should suffer though. In my opinion I would ask to have the children by your house once in a while and not wait for an invitation to hers. Furthermore, I think a 20.00 gift card to BARNES and NOBLES or any book store, is a great gift for a kid that you may not know too much about. Its economical, educational, and gives them some owness to get something they are into. You do not seem like a jerk to me, send them a gift certificate and a card, you have done your duty.
2006-09-24 14:59:20 · answer #4 · answered by justthetwoofus 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever invited them over to your house. Maybe the one sided relationship is all them and none of you.
I personally would not go....but offer to babysit the kids once a month. The kids shouldn't suffer through this fighting.
2006-09-24 14:58:09 · answer #5 · answered by elbowsmash5 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well it has to be your husbands decision. If he feels the same way, then he should settle it for you and not the other way around. Blood is still thicker than water. As screwed up as she might be, they still have the same set of parents and they as adults should atleat try to take care of this. If both of you agree not to go, then come up with an excuse or something.
2006-09-24 14:57:39 · answer #6 · answered by wittlewabbit 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Are you and your husband making any efforts to have a relationship with the kids? If you don't have children of your own, and make no effort to see and know the kids, she probably doest know what you want as far as a relationship with them.
2006-09-24 15:05:47 · answer #7 · answered by kayboff 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a sister-in-law and brother-in-law just like this. My sister-in-law is very rude and has to ask me how much everything I own costed me. I used to put myself out and buy thoughtful gifts for them and their daughters. They came to our wedding and not even a card and they are not by any means poor. My sister-in-law kept complaining that we were having a reception and she did not believe in that because it was both of our second weddings. I send christmas cards, etc....with pictures of our baby and not even a phone call back. They did come for my older sons graduation and not even a card. I have given and put myself out and I just feel used. So I have decided not to allow them to occupy any more space in my brain as my baby just turned one and not one card or phone call. She did ask me ifshe could have my baby boy's clothes he outgrew for her older daughter. I gave that girl tons of clothes and a bassinet and moses basket and received no thank you. My mom had a stroke and she never even called me. I am done with them.
2006-09-24 15:02:38 · answer #8 · answered by Kelly 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell her you already have plans for that day. And yes I have been put in a similar situation, after them inviting you and you always saying you already have plans, they will finally get the picture. Good Luck!
2006-09-24 14:58:36 · answer #9 · answered by Backwoods Barbie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it's your husband's call. If he feels the same way then let him tell her you're not coming. If he wants to go, then suck it up and go with him and play nice-nice for a few hours. He'll appreciate it, besides you probably have relatives he doesn't like.
2006-09-24 15:02:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋