why do some woman stay in abusive relationships?

Question

I have this close friend who is in a abusive (physical/ mental) relationship goin on 6 years. Her and her boyfriend have 3 children together. Over the years she has said she wants to leave him and said she knows how unhealthy her life is having him around. She also speaks of wanting a better life.... without him. She says all this good stuff and just when I think shes finally gonna leave this abusive relationship she's back with him. Its a continous cycle. I want to understand what goes though her mind and why she keeps this relationship going. I dont understand. I'd simply say just leave him...but for her its easy said than done.. why? I want to understand!

Answer 1

I think your friend is insecure. Maybe she feels like that she's not worth anything and he's probably told her that. He's probably told her that she will never find anyone else because she's not worth having.I went though it for almost eleven years and I had four children. I finally made up my mind to get out of it,but my situation was mostly mental.He went out on me many many times.I finally got tired of it. I had family to help me through it.Your friend just needs you to be there to listen to her.As hard as I'm sure it is just don't say anything against her boyfriend. Just let her know that your there for her no matter what. Good Luck!

Answer 2

I have never been in an abusive relationship and I think it really is one of the hardest things to understand! From what I can see it's a matter of a lack of self-confidence and also fear of the unknown. Sometimes I guess the "hell" you already know is better than the "hell" you can anticipate when you make a huge decision that will impact the lives of not only yourself but your children as well. She may not realize how much better off she would be because her fear of being able to cope with raising the kids alone or just making it by herself is stopping her from doing what she knows deep down that she needs to do - get the hell away from him.

Does she depend on his income? If so, she may not know how she'll make it financially without that. Also, if she's really afraid of him she may be thinking that at least while she's staying with him she knows what to expect.

She may be worried about what he might do to her or to their children if she leaves him. Maybe he's threatened her if she leaves? It is not far-fetched or a giant leap to the fact that someone that abusive could be overcome with anger and try to kill or injure her or the kids. It's happened way too often for women in abusive situations to ignore, and restraining orders mean NOTHING if someone is crazy enough to want to kill or hurt you or the kids or kidnap them.

I know a guy who owned a liquor store we used to go to in my old neighborhood. The wife decided to leave him. He killed their 2 children and committed suicide, leaving her absolutely devastated. This is the kind of thing that may be going through your friend's mind. I do hope she figures it all out and that she'll break free of him and that her life will be better for it.

Answer 3

Nine times out of 10 it is a pattern---we grow up with parents who have an abusive relationship and grow up somewhat comfortable with that situation because we do not know it any other way. That's the one thing why we, if we had parents who lived in an abusive relationship, chose guys who will abuse us, and that doesn't even happen on a conscious level, it is so ingrained in us by the way we grew upt that it happens just about automatically. It takes a lot of conscious effort not to fall into this pattern.

The second thing why your friend might always return is simple: there is no real safety net for women who want to get out of an abusive relationship. Sistercare is nice and dandy--but are there any apartments available so that these women can occupy them, rather than having to stay at a shelter? The financial situation contributes to this misery too: with 3 children it is hard to come up with the money on your own--and it takes money to house, feed, and clothe 3 children. Next, there is the intimidation factor: these abusive guys go through any length to stay in power, often with real threats in addition to their physical abuse(i.e. threatening to take custody of the children etc.etc.) Lastly, very often you can link abusive behavior to the use of drugs and/or alcohol. There is very little you can do for your friend. On a rational level she knows already that she should leave him, but with what's going on in the U.S.(no safety net), it is very difficult to actually go through with a real plan to leave.

I think the best way to help your friend is by encouraging her to take up classes for a real good education, get herself a well paid job, and then get out of this situation, because otherwise it can escalate and she could end up dead....Good Luck

Answer 4

some calls it "love" but actually their confidence is shaky and at stake, not enough to think possible results towards their action.

some call it "dependency", since they are scared to find things on their own, they cling to that kind of relationship. they are not familiar with the outside world, they think failure constantly , a pessimistic approach in life.

some call it "were in that adjustment period", they think because of their age (underage), culture shock, financial issue, that they need to stay, hoping it will change in the future, mature together, bonding is a factor as well.

some stays due to their "belief", marriage should be forever, "till death do us part era". their thoughts of the foundation should be no matter what, they need to stick together, handle it on their own. they think that their "issue" should be hush hush, that no one should know what is happening inside the house.

some call it "sacrificial dedication" for their children's sake. they do not want their kin left without the other parent, they think living a single mom is too hard to attain in life.

but all of that reason, is not right to stays if there is abuse no matter if it is verbal and "worst" the physical one. those things leaves deep scar inside and out. you have a tendency to distrust future entanglement with other and most of the time you blame yourself, always think back in the head, "history-its going to be the same"...

i know some of those reasons since i've lived in them, some is my friends, some is my relatives..

Answer 5

Fear and sex.......both are primitive reasons. The kids came from him...so she cant place the kids above him. The sex came before the kids...so she places him above them. Abuse, she's used to and is comfortable with that....sees the fear/butterflies of anxiety in her belly as love. She's afarid that he'll do something worse and she'll never feel such emotion with a "nice" guy.

She is not smart enough to put kids above the man....and they will suffer the consequences. Like any addict....she cant get free because she doesnt want to nor know how to. The worst of it is...if he did change and get healthy...she'd hate him bigtime. Poor babies....tell the authorities and see if they can be transferred to people who give a damn.

Answer 6

dear asker, its not easy to describe. But, what I feel, one word to answer is HOPE. The lady is definitely in love or was in love with the gentleman ( if I can call him). And then, we must understand that abuses are one part of their interaction, there must be other loving emotions as well. The oman is definitely not a strong person.She gives in ti her immediate feelings. She must be getting to offload her anguish by talking to you. I would suggest you tell herto try harder to save her relatioship. she must try understand why is he abusing, thogh I do not justify abuse.

Answer 7

i was married to an abusive man for 23 yrs..he wasn't abusive the whole 23 the last 16 were the worst...i finally filed for div in 05. yes he freaked but a month later he was living in fla w/ another woman..thank god for her..lol

Answer 8

This is a very complex psychological situation.

An entire book can be written on a minor section of this situation.

Reasons:

Family History
Children
Love
Financial
Personal

Answer 9

That's right! If they movee out, the man would probably do anything to track them down and hurt them!

Answer 10

because to them they love them and their self esteem is so love also the husband has sort of a "power" of them like i dunno like a guy is smooth and can get chicks to sleep with him same kinda "power" then the guys nice they come back it happens all over again and she probly feels bad for splittin the kids from theri father