My wife and I frequently argue about the division of housework, what should I do?

Question

First of all, I help, but I don't do half, but I work about 60 hours a week on average and she works 35 hours. But she still seems to want me to do 50%, and I think that is unreasonable, given the huge difference in work hours. I feel like we should both help but she should do a bit more because she gets home about 3-4 hours before me and that way we maximize how much free time we have together. Basically, she thinks doesn't include work in the equation and I feel we should.

Oh Kayla and should we keep the income seperate, I make about 20x what my wife does

Don't take the above too seriously but seriously we both benefit from my income, why shouldn't we both benefit from her jobs schedule.

Momofnxt, your a dumba$$ and your answer is not observant. That is exactly what I'm saying, we should compromise, why don't you read the f%%%ing question

Answer 1

Interesting, okay I've read the replies and am going to offer and basic in your face answer, lol.. Okay, in the scheme of things, important to life, how much does "cleaning and housework" really relate to marriage and happiness... I mean,, no matter what you do, it's never enough, dust will always be there, and messes will always be made, then we die.. I'm just making that point, because life is too short to worry about dust bunnies, and marriage is to valuable to fret over dishes.

It's likely your spouse's complaints aren't even based on housework, but they use this a tool, focal point, for validation of worth. We all have the need to feel worthy, and important, so if one spouse is pulling more weight in the kitchen, while the other works, well it's great leverage to say, I do this, and you don't do that. Basically they need to hear they are doing a great job. Being a homemaker, or even holding dual incomes, is tough and often never commended.

50/50 ratios are such b.s, who even came up with that? So long as everyone pulls a reasonable share, and validates the other's efforts with support, what's the point of arguing. Shed some light with your spouse that some times, goofing off and foregoing "chores" isn't your first priority, and that yes, you aren't that inclined to focus on whatever project she feels so necessary. Commend her for taking iniative, but also she needs to realize that we all need downtime. It seems you're both working hard to maintain what so many of us do day in and day out. Remember in the dating process, no one worried about dust, or dishes, or laundry?,, recapture those good ole days,, and go up to her, grab her, plant a smooch, and say,, honey, screw the dishes, we're going out. It's not the end of the world. Remind her of why you married her, her beauty, her value, how special she is to you. Her worth isn't based on housechores and your worth isn't either.

You both can only do so much, and both of you don't need to fret over the jockeying position of who does what and how much, no point in keeping tabs. There are days when you feel more inclined to do more and days where you can't,, communicate with her your day, clue her in on just how much you do, or the mental weight of it all, 60 hours is work. Find a park bench, go outside, or take a walk,, ask her what she did today.. just talk.. it's not about housework, it never is..we all just need a hug from time to time.. and she's a woman,, lol.. show her some love. Be well and I wish you both luck!

Answer 2

The "proper" division of housework should be worked out by loving and generous spouses, not by internet consensus.. There is no right answer and you as a n engineer and full of your big-shot-ness are trying to be Right instead of kind. You are competing with you spouse and one-upping her instead of being fair and loving. Is it worth losing your marriage over? Do you enjoy berating her? Do you get a charge out of your sacrifices and expect everyone to give you a free ticket because you chose a difficult path? Get over yourself today and save the money for a bigger hat! I think you may reconsider being a forester. You sound bitter and Bitterness, Competition, and entitlement have no place in a happy and prosperous home life. I think you should hire a maid and take your wife out for a nice dinner and give her flowers and tell her you are sorry for being a schmo! Ask her forgiveness while she still cares about you. Or choose to have to be right and righteous and end up in a big empty house and doing all the housework yourself.

Answer 3

I agree with the husband helping out but I don't think he should have to do 50%. I know my husband works a lot harder than I do at work and when he is at home I want him to be able to relax. He helps alot around the house but not equal to what I do and I don't have a problem with it at all. Have your wife read the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. It is a really good book.

And on your income question, if you are married the money should be in one pot. I don't get why people split the bills down the middle and each keep their own checkbook. Marriage is a partnership as one.

Good luck!

Answer 4

The best way to solve this problem is to divide chores according to abilities: I did not work but my husband ironed all clothes, did the shoe-shining(he was in the military and had to do his uniforms, so he dod all our clothes), he washed the windows because I have weak vision, and he took the trash out every morning. When needed he also helped me with other stuff, like the laundry. I, in return, had to do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the house cleaning, the cooking, and our finances. Since we did not look at the fact that I was a full time home maker, but only at who did what best, the system worked. I think that way the complaining would stop because you have your permanent chores and she has hers, and if there is something that needs to be done in between you both can do it together. My husband mowed the lawn also---and all this despite the fact that I was a full time mom and homemaker. Good Luck

Answer 5

If you make enough money hire a maid. Point out to her that you could save money by living alone and having a maid and not her.
It will probably be some time before you get any again, but your point will be made. The division of labor is there to balance out the responsibilities not just the labor. If your contribution is so much greater monetarily her contribution needs to be greater in other ways. Sorry to most opinions here but that is the only thing fair to the major wage earner.

Answer 6

First of all if you have children that makes a big difference on how a husband and wife spit the work. It also depends on the chores are needed help with , some tasks are greater, such as taking out the garbage compared to doing the dishes. Or when you do laundry one washes and the other folds and puts them away. Sit down and compromise your work loads together and not the time it takes to do it.

Answer 7

Housework is an equal opportunity affair and you each have an equal responsibility. Your wife may also like you to spend more time with her. One guy I used to know kept telling his wife that he worked all the time for the house he bought for her, when she never wanted the house to begin with. You know what happened to him for not listening to his wife?

She divorced him and he never got to have kids with her. She got half the value of the house, which she was entitled to. After all, she decorated it, cleaned it and maintained it. I suggest cutting down on work hours, spending less and spending more time with your wife.

If you both contribute and a great way to do that is to do some cooking or shopping with her or taking on a home project together like painting the attic, moving furniture, etc, you will see your relationship improve and she will be happier.

Answer 8

Yeah, I agree with the one above. Housework does indeed suck, and I do hire a maid. Comes in every week, stays 3.5 hours, and cleans almost everything. Each of us responsibile for our own laundry.....the housekeeper does everything else. She gets about $22 an hour, more than many people make at a company, but hey, worth every dime. If you can't do one every week, do it twice per month....I'd sell my body on the south side of town before I'd again clean house.

Answer 9

The tip I am going to give you saved my sister's marriage and my own sanity when I first got married. We always fought about what needed to be done until we MADE A LIST. It doesn't matter who makes the list as long as both agree to it. Write down what needs to be done and by when. Write down who will do what. This way, each person knows what needs to be done, what is expected, and each person can get it done in his/her own time without being nagged or harrassed. My husband and I do this all the time, and now we NEVER argue about chores and who's doing what. You can make a list that lasts from week to week or new lists every day, every week or however often you need them.

Answer 10

Well I think she needs to be a little more reasonable. She should consider herself lucky really! I worked 8 hour job, pregnant, came home and had to cook, clean up mess from earlier, wash clothes, and them put other kids to bed. Husband slept during all this time or ate when I fed him dinner then would go back and rest in bed. He did all outside work, cutting the grass, trimming trees, all the up keep for outside.So she really should feel lucky you help at all. I worked 40 hours a week and he worked 40 to 45 hours (depending on overtime) but it was night shift--9pm to 8 am.