racist family?

Question

i have been dating a black guy for a few months now and we are now in a serious relationship. The only problem is, my parents are racist (actually not just my parents, my whole family) and so I really don't want to tell them about him even though i do love him very much. I just don't want to hear their disrespectful remarks and have them trying to break us apart, that would be so annoying and ridiculous. However, I do think it is important for my bf to know. I didn't tell him before bc i was afraid he would freak out and run away but now that our relationship is more serious i think i have the obligation to tell him or else it would be disrespectful. The problem is...i don't know how to tell him. To be quite honest, i don't want to have to tell my parents about him bc im gonna be 18 soon and when i do turn 18, i will technically be old enough to make my own decisions without my parents consent & so if i tell them i would just have to deal with a bunch of unnecessary hassle.

Answer 1

Hey Kiddo,

If you're still living at home, telling them now will give you more of an idea of what you'll need to do once you turn 18. For instance, if they threaten to disown you, you'll know to start packing your bags now.

Voice of Experience here: Living in a closet is toxic, and it doesn't matter what label the closet falls under. Racism is a misnomer when it's used to describe your family's behavior. There is really only one race we're talking about, and that's the human race. So, let's just say for the moment that your family is culturally blind and educationally-challenged. I'm not calling them stupid, just . . . ignorant. They don't know that they don't know that what they're doing hurts the entire human race, not just a few little cultural segments here and there. Ignorance seems a little more forgivable than outright stupidity, so let's go with that.

First step, approach your parents like the adult you're about to become. Let them know that you love them, and let them know that you know that they love you. Tell them that you know that because they love you, that what you are about to tell them will make them concerned for your welfare, but that you hope that they'll be able to think about their responses before they say anything. Then tell them that you've met a wonderful guy, talk about the qualities you really love about him, and tell them that you hope that they'll be happy that you've found someone that you really click with and who treats you with respect and love. Then tell them that he's African American. Don't say "black" because that's a buzzword for the culturally inept and educationally-challenged. Talk about his heritage and his culture, not about the color of his skin, and tell your folks that you'd like him no matter what color God made him (if, of course, that's true for you). And then wait.

Let them get it all out.

Then thank them for their response. (This is harder to do than say, I know, but practice with an adult friend beforehand, so you can get it really down pat.) After thanking them for their responses, thank them for loving you, for caring about you, and for listening to you. Then get up, and walk away. No sarcasm, no (obvious) anger, no outbursts or raised voices. Don't argue with them; that'll only make them treat you like a child. If you need to process their reactions and their reactions are less-than-desired, do so away from them. Remember, you want them to see you as the adult you're about to become, not as the child they tried to raise you to be.

If they disown you, go live on campus, get a part-time job, and talk to the financial aid folks about registering as an independent student so they won't take your parents' income into consideration when they calculate your EFC. If they don't, you'll have a lot to celebrate!

Good luck and God speed, Kiddo!
Take care!

Answer 2

Do not listen to " ♣excuses_stop_here!♠"". "♣excuses_stop_here!♠" is an adult who still believes in bible story, so his/her advice is pretty close-minded and childish. Actually, children are more accepting than adults, but whatever. Number 1, you should tell your boyfriend for sure. Honesty is key in a great relationship. Explain to him how your families views do not reflect your own. You will eventually have to tell your parents, but tell your boyfriend first. If your boyfriend decides he cannot handle a relationship under these conditions, then you will not have to bring it up to your parents while you are a minor. But if your boyfriend stays, then you must tell your parents. When you tell your parents, be sure that you will have a safe place to retreat if their reaction is too negative. Be sure to inform an understanding friend that you might have to crash at their place while things at home cool off. Do not bring your boyfriend with you when you tell your parents, they might become violent.

I hope all works out for you. I am in a inter-racial/inter-faithed relationship and it took some adjustment for each of our family's. But it is 8 years later and we are still going strong and happily married. Our family's interact (for the most part) civil and loving now. Just always remember to follow your heart, not ignorance.

Answer 3

I personally believe that two opposite races do not belong together. If you read the Bible, the part in the Old Testament about the man marrying a Palestinian woman and how he was punished(forget the verses), it becomes more clear. Different races have their own traditions and cultures, and when you combine them it mixes up the relationship and divides you. This doesn't always happen, but it's just better to follow. I understand your parents attitude. It doesn't mean they are racist!

Answer 4

I serious relationship would mean you had talked about things that are important in your life like your family. Like it or not you will have to deal with your family in some way or other all your life whether or not you live with them. So you are going to have to tell them both and let chips fall where they may, at least their responses won't come as a complete surprise but at least YOU will have been honest.

Answer 5

Tell him the truth about your family, that you are not racist and love him very much. Tell him how much it bothered you growing up that way. You don't need family like that babe....from now on choose your relatives.....chances are they will make it easy for you and write you off when you tell them you are in love with a black man........as soon as you turn 18 move out, move away....get rid of that family!

Answer 6

dont tell them then and shame on your family racism is wrong