my husband and i started out as partners. we equally shared all finance obligations he'd be in-charge of the rent and electricity and I'd be in-charge of phones, cable and groceries, not to mention my own gym membership, hair and nail appointments. our situation changed when my husband slacked off on his part of the responsibilities around 8 months now, spent all his money on alcohol and became an addict, put us 2 months in-debit along with 3 different rehab-hospital bills to pay off. now i am in-charge of all the our finance obligations he works and has to give me the money he earns, so that i can distribute it proprely. it can be very nerve racking, and having to ask for the check from him is no picnic, he doesn't make it any easier, he doesn't just willingly hand it over it can get pretty ugly and i always end up the bad guy. the one always on patroll around here, or should i say the bill collector or his parent. any advise on how to make this a smoother ride for everyone
2006-09-24 04:31:36 · 16 answers · asked by non-curious 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
3 rehabs in 8 months!!?? That's not realistic! I doubt he was in rehab! OK heres the deal I am a 20 year sober recovering alky and former rehab counselor. You took control of family funds to protect all of you that's quite clear. He wants some responsibility that's normal too. You need to compromise. First has he stopped drinking? If not then he gets control of nothing if he cant deal with that then separation might be next step. If he has stopped then make an agreement you will give him back slowly control of some of the funds. Your not the bad guy because you are looking out for yours and his well being. He wont see that because he hasn't totally gave up his old ways regardless if hes drinking or not. Go to an alanon meeting and learn how to cope. If these continue to go downhill a separation might be best and possible divorce its not fair to you to live in such a manner no matter how much you care about this man.
2006-09-24 04:40:30 · answer #1 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
he has an addiction which is disabling for him and now having to hand over his money like a child must be very emasculating for him,,worse because he knows it is his fault but also for his own good,,it may be wise to sit down and try to see the positive,,the debts being paid off,the accomplishments you taking the initiative is making,,give him some of the control back by including him in a very adult way,,he must feel very guilty but he is trying and isnt sneaking around your back and making excuses like many would,,look and speak of what the two of you are trying to do,,the things you are working for and maybe giving some of the responsibility back to him,,give him something to do..do not take this the wrong way but if your sex life is dwindling maybe get that back on track as this way you cannot possibly be the man,,give him control there,let him know he has something you cannot take away,, let him know he is the man in the bedroom and you need him most definately there ,i feel for him but you also,,you both have a side of the story to tell but you are at least trying to sort these problems and not making reasons up for breaking up and blaming each other,,it wont last forever and once you both come through it you will be a stronger couple for it,,i wish you all the best.
2006-09-24 04:57:25 · answer #2 · answered by lex 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are the more responsible person in the relationship then you have to continue looking after the finances...... afterall, you are doing it for the best interest of the relationship.
He shouldn't put up such a fight. He was the one who caused all the financial stress. He should cooperate with you. He is being immature about the whole thing. I'm sure you have told him all of this so I don't have advice to give..... just support. Hang in there, you're doing the right thing for the right reasons.
Good luck!
2006-09-24 04:55:01 · answer #3 · answered by Tony 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear that. So far your way of doing things was the best approach, but also not to be mean, if he didn't take up that habit, you wouldn't have to be the bad guy. I would try and see if you could get his check automatically deposited, so that way you wouldn't have to ask him for it. But if he has access to the bank account, that could be tricky. I would also cut down on extra finances that aren't really needed for awhile so that the bills will go away faster. Hope that helps somewhat.
2006-09-24 04:37:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
well you do have at least one child (hubby) but the question you have to ask yourself is, is he keeping up with rehab and staying of the bottle if so the other stuff will eventually work itself out may i suggest marriage coiling though it could help even if you end up the only one going sounds like you need someone to talk to about your situation and just talking might help but it's not always wise to involve friends/family because they are biased you need someone unbiased such as a psychiatrist
2006-09-24 04:37:14 · answer #5 · answered by *CiTsJuStMe* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not the bad guy. I had a very similar situation with my now-ex-husband. Obviously, I ended up divorcing him BUT I ended up with most of the debt (he quit his job) and I have full custody of my child. I don't have much advice (because all the advice I was given failed) nor am I looking for the points, but your situation hits home to me and also to let you know that you're not the only one.
2006-09-24 04:39:13 · answer #6 · answered by ami 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You may not like this, but:
BAIL OUT!!! (Save yourself)
It does not look like the situation will change in time. Like you said you can be a bill collector or a parent.
I don't think that's what a marriage is supposed to be.
2006-09-24 04:39:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would get a new man . Things are this bad now . Just imagine the future . Could you have children with this man ? What would come first diapers or beer ?
2006-09-24 05:27:36 · answer #8 · answered by Butterfly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off he is the one with the problem. You either let him deal with it or you are going to spend a lot time in the exact same situation you are now in. You may have to walk away and let him hit bottom
2006-09-24 04:36:37 · answer #9 · answered by rkilburn410 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry to say but it looks like d.i.v.o.r.c.e is heading your way and if it does hun I am thinking it would be the best thing for you. He needs to solve his problems for himself, he will never heal if your doing it for him. Men dont learn till they sink or hit a brick wall. dont stop him your doing him no good
2006-09-24 04:36:32 · answer #10 · answered by Brandi D 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋