How much should I sacrifice of myself... Adults only please?

Question

I've been married for 3 years with a 1yr 9month old son. My husband cheated on me when he was on deployment and he didn't hide it from me. I left him for a few months so I could think things through. I'm now back with him more for my son's sake. Since his infidelity, we've fallen apart so much it seems there is no chance of reconciling. I love him and I know he loves me but it's plain to see he isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know how to reach him, to make him be in love with me again

Answer 1

Yours sounds to me like so many other relationships that are built on sex- if one person cheats, the bonds are broken.

Sex should never make a marriage, while it can break one, it happens much more frequently to those that are based on sex only!

Answer 2

Well, the first thing you should do is go to marriage counseling if you both want to save the relationship. If that doesn't work, then you should save your dignity and walk away. Staying with someone for the sake of the "children" is the worst thing you can do for the children. Your son is very young right now, and it would be easier now than to wait until he's older to walk out of your husband. You say that he cheated on you and didn't even try hiding it from you.... sounds like he not only isn't in love with you, he also doesn't respect you. I just left my husband about a month ago because he did the same thing. I let him back home and he continued to see this other woman, this time behind my back, but not very good at it. We were together for over 25 years and we have an adult daughter and 13 yr. old son. It is very hard on the 13 yr. old, even though he doesn't want to show it. That's why I say that it would be easier for you to do what you have to do now, while your son is too young too understand. By the time he is older, he will be used to a lifestyle of mommy is here and I visit dad on weekends kind of thing. Just make sure you let his dad be a part of his life. That is important, indeed.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I am sorry you have had to go through something like this it is very unfortunate.

A few things to hit on first that I am sure you already know but reading them may make them more real.

People in the military are brainwashed from day one to be able to survive in a harsh enviroment so once he was deployed he was no longer the same. Often they are "dehumanized" meaning they may become dettached from emotion, pain or sensitivy which men are usually guilty of to an extent anyway. He no longer understands the pain that you felt when you found out or the struggle it requires to deal with such an action.

Next if he isn't begging for your forgiveness there is nothing to reconcile, period. He commited the crime and part of the consequences of that are begging, gifts and promisies for the future. If he isn't doing any of these things then he doesn't feel guilty and you need to find someone who will appreciate you. A big step for him would be to leave the military and get out into the real world once again. This would allow him to be responsible again not only to you has a husband but to his son as well. He may see the military as a career but he has a more important job at home which is taking care of his family.

If you can't trust him anymore there isn't much left to fix unless he is 100% willing to give the relationship his all until you can trust him again. If he doesn't think he "should" or "can" do that then cut your losses and move on for your sake and your sons. Would you want your son thinking its ok to cheat or to be in a broken hurtful relationship? Take care of your boy by taking care of yourself as well because if you aren't 100% he will see that and learn from it.

Answer 4

You are right loving you and being in love with you are 2 different things. He cheated and that is that and once that happens it is hard to move over that. Your son will be fine. I waited 5 years and then i left my ex. My son was 5 and he was and still is ok. Staying for the children does not work. Cheating means one thing and one thing only and that is that the other is not in love with his wife. Honey this is hard to say but i feel it is best to move on. I am married again and i can not stand my husband now and i have treathened to leave 2 times and this time i am not talking aobut it when the time is right i am leaving. I knew when i married him that we were not gonna make it cause we are so different. I made a mistake and it was my fault. I should have stayed single and this woud not have hurt the other so bad. I do not want to stay miserable the rest of what life i have. I would like to find some happiest before i die. Good luck

Answer 5

How sad. Something similar is happening to a dear friend of mine right now.
In her heart of hearts, she knows it is over and that it cannot be brought back to life. She hangs on, knowingly wasting a few more years of her happiness, in the vain hope it will resurface (but it doesn't).
You state here that there is no chance of reconciling. You have said it best yourself. Ask yourself if there is any point in drawing this out when there is no such chance? Who will get hurt? Potentially you, your partner and your child.
The final break is always painful, especially when you love each other as friends....but in the long term, you will both get over it, meet someone new (it doesn't feel that way now, but in your heart of hearts, you know it will happen), AND still stand a chance of being friends with your child's father, rather than enemies.
Infidelity always causes mistrust for ever more. I could not get over it, although some women claim to.
Try to think objectively: what would you advise a friend to do if she was telling you this story?? And go from there.
Happier times are ahead, but you need to pave the way. Good luck.

Answer 6

Have you forgiven him, and if so, does he know? Could he be under the impression that he has lost you and so he's being cold/distant because he thinks you're only there for the baby? Have you asked him if he still wants to be married? Been open with him about your feelings? Tried to ask him what you've just asked all of us? Y'know, sometimes people go on living in a relationship guessing at the other person's feelings for a very long time for no good reason, only to find out far too late that the other person was thinking the same thing, both of them living in sadness unnecessarily. I would suggest you make sure that's not you. If his feelings are gone (which I kinda doubt, he might be angry at himself more than not loving you) then at least you know for sure and you're not guessing. Then you can start making INFORMED decisions about your relationship instead of shooting in the dark. I know it's tough to come out and ask a question like that of your spouse, I had to ask my wife after her 2nd affair, because of fear of the answer, but isn't NOT knowing almost as bad, anyway? And you just might find out he still loves you and wants you. Good luck, hope I helped. I'll keep you three in my thoughts. Take care, -Rick

Answer 7

To love and to be in love are two different things...but remember to be in love...sometimes that is of no importance...for that part may come and go throughout a marriage...yes even the best marriages get distracted and feeling all warm and fuzzy and in love all the time just sometimes gets put on a shelf. But to love a person is a much bigger load...through thick and thin, through good and bad, or hard times....loving one another means you are kind, patient, long suffering, without malice, You just keep loving your man, and be strong in the Lord, God will bless you and your marriage if you put God first and understand that your marriage is a JOB, one of which God is the Boss...your marriage may go through some rough times...you have forgiven your man for cheating ...that takes a lot of love! So you say that you love each other...DO THIS....become great Christians who practice the true teachings in Proverbs and in the New Testament from the Word of God...The Bible...then...God will truly bless your marriage

Answer 8

If you really love him, then you should look past his mistake. I know this is very difficult since infidelity is a very serious mistake and very hard to forget. However, this is not entirely impossible. A good step would be to not dwell on the mistake, this means you have to consciously attempt to stop recalling his sins against you, as long as you think about it over and over again, you won't be able to forgive him totally. And as long as that is yet to happen, then there's no chance for both of you to fall in love with each other again. Perhaps, your husband can sense that you still resent him, and he knows that you're only with him because of your son. That fact may be hindering him from loving you again since he might be thinking that he can never be worthy of your love again, which is fueled even more if you resent him. Try to imagine yourself in his shoes, what would you want? Would you want him to forgive you or not?

Answer 9

I can relate closely to your whole story. The advice I can give you is please try to get your husband to marriage counselling - without it it just seems to be a downward spiral. Also think about talking to some much older friends that seem to have a happy relationship - I have learned an amazing amount from some older women friends - particularly how important it is to continue to have a relationship as a couple even after a child arrives, and to still treat each other with respect. If you can't improve the situation despite your best efforts please don't "sacrifice yourself" for your son - he will always be happier if you are happy. Best wishes in your decisions and I hope this helps a little.

Answer 10

Take it from a woman who was in the same situation. We were both on active duty when he decided to "stray". Staying with someone for the sake of a child is the worst thing to do. If you're being subjected to a man that isn't faithful (which goes along with emotional abuse), why would you put your son in front of that. We have been conditioned to believe that having 2 parents at home is the best thing for a child. That is FAR from true. Being strangers under the same roof, is the SAME as being a single parent. And please don't con yourself into believing that your husband "loves" you, but isn't in love with you. Wake up honey. If he loved you, he wouldn't have put himself in the compromising situation that led to him cheating on you in the first place. Love yourself and your child and leave, before it gets worse.

Answer 11

It sounds as if your husband may not be husband material. If you have only been married for three years and he cheated on you and your son, then he may be very immature and not ready to settle down to the commitments necessary to being married. You need to take care of yourself and your son and probably cut your losses and move on from this relationship. If you need job training or education to become self sufficient when you are a single mom, then there are free programs out there that will help you. Good luck!