How do you get over stepchildren conflict within a relationship?

Question

After 3yrs of being apart my ex, and father to my 5yr old daughter . He came back into our lives claiming that he had changed his ways and really wanted to try again. After 3 wks, he has now decided it would be no good due to his sons complete hostility towards me. We were together for 9yrs and i brought his son up from the age of 5 he is now 13 yrs.

In those 3 wks, i have had no contact with his son, he has just been visiting my daughter and me...so i have had no time with his son.

Answer 1

His son might have an opinion but it should not be considered in this matter. It did not matter when your ex presumably left his mother in the first place. Then he moved on to you and eventually left. It sounds as if your ex is lost in space with little direction or
conviction. He made an attempt to reconcile but when face with the distinct possibility that it might work he came up with a really lame excuse to stop it. He's been away for three years. If he wanted to try again he should have been a lot more commit ed to the task. Maybe you should send him away and instruct him to stay that way until he decides that he wants this regardless of anyone else's opinion.
It was so not fair for him to make this overture the back out so quickly. You should get the child support and move on.

Answer 2

Children react to their environment. They are like tuning forks, vibrating with every insecure moment in your adult relationship. Go to the ex. Spend time with him as a friend. Not a wife. Not a lover. Not a judge. Let him tell you why he suddenly decided he could grow as a person and value his family. Let him know how you value having your family together, also. Let him tell you the things he needs to do to make your relationship work. Tell him what you feel your responsibilities will be. Look at the weak points from the first time around...(Well, darlin', you know it drove me nuts when you did/didn't do this...can you tell me this won't be happening again?) Listen objectively when he tells you what made him feel he had to leave to begin with (not 3 weeks ago). Your man is attempting to grow and change. He knows he needs to strive to become a better person. Show him that you, too, have grown and become responsible in your decision making. Don't involve the kids in building this friendship. This is time for just you and him....when you share confidences, and secret hurts, and tender comforts....when respect and trust are built. When you and he become best friends. Through these eyes he will begin to trust what he sees with you. If you want him in your home eventually, as intimacy begins to bloom, you need to plan a date. A day when you can say, "We begin again." As the son begins to percieve that his dad and you are good for each other, that you have grown enough to meet his needs, that you work as a team to raise and nurture children, he will calm down and feel secure again. He will be a good barometer for when you should live together. Your man had the right idea, he just didn't share it with the kid. So take your time. Find the things you admire in this man. Tell him why you value him in your life. Move towards the rich rewards of having your best friend be your lover. And don't worry about the time frame, just let it evolve how it evolves.

Answer 3

One of the hard things about being a child is that you have no choice. Ideally we all want our fathers to be married to our mothers - that is the way it should be. We expect our children to fall in line with our inadequacies and immaturities. We're supposed to be grownup and sort out our romantic lives before kids come along. So try putting yourself in your stepson's place.
That said, this kid is ruling your lives, which isn't good either. Do you know the reason for his hostility? Did he like having his father to himself and resents your reappearance in his life? This is for his father to resolve. You could try and approach the child yourself, but the kid is 13, full of hormones. I would just allow the relationship with his father to progress at a very slow pace. It might be the kid doesn't want to learn to love you again and then have it all fall to pieces. Take it slow and see how you go. I wouldn't make major commitments, like moving in togehter. just a friendly and affectionate relationship. Become part of the furniture and progress from there. Good luck.

Answer 4

This isn't a step child problem, it's an adult problem. Don't blame the boy because he is acting badly. Daddy left with the boy at 10 years. Probably badmouthed you to the boy. Then, 3 years later, he brought the boy back to be with you again. The poor kid probably lost all his friends, and had to move again. Now, Dad is moving the kid again. Sadly, the boy is paying the price for his Dad's inability to provide a stable environment for his son.

Answer 5

I would ask him why he would let his son come in between his wife and his daughter. Have you tried to be friendly with his son. Maybe you could arrange some quality time and try to get your husband, his son, and the family into counseling. If you don't go with his son it won't do any good. I had the same problem with my ex. Everyone has to participate for this to work out.

Answer 6

tell him hit the road. ask him if he wants to hold auditions for his 13 yr. old to find his next wife. the kids going to grow up and leave home so whats he going to do then? if hes not man enough to make that choice for himself, do u really want him?

Answer 7

His changed ways didn't last long. Send him on his way and wish him good luck, he's gonna need it.

Answer 8

Dunno?

Answer 9

donno