i found out the history of my great great grandmother and also found a stern picture of her that seemed to look at me.
dont scorn me great, great grandmother
as i look upon your face
dont frown upon me with your
head full of pretty lace
when i look at you, you look so engraged
your face is trying to tell me something
as it leaps out of the page
we have never met i know
but your eyes are telling me
never to let go
so what do u want to say
oh stranger that i see
you seem to frown upon the very soul of me
are your eyes following me through the journey of my life
tell me your story
your're someones mother
someone's wife
looking closer i see sadness
in your eyes i see wonderment, heartache
and a whirlppol of cries
you are my great great grandmother
that i do know
i wishi i had been in your world
or u in mine to say hello
you have never known me
nor i have known u
but one day far above the clouds
we will say "hi" just for a while.....we two.
2006-09-23 21:36:52 · 21 answers · asked by shariwharton 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
thank you for your comments...im 43 so can roll with the punches. i did not put punctuation in - some of u were right...i did it in my notebook not on here though.
i do not wish you to flatter me you are right...its important what you think...and i am very happy that you can deal me any cards that you think appropriate.
thank you.
2006-09-23 23:21:42 · update #1
have you got a book of your poems out yet? when you do I want a copy. one word explains it EXCELLENT !!!!!!!!
2006-09-25 01:24:34 · answer #1 · answered by rhiannon g 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This poem has potential. It deals with real emotions and dwells on an experience any of us should savor. On the other hand, the technique needs work. With all lowercase and no punctuation, it feels like one run-on sentence. What should be the high points of the poem are missed since they are treated the same as the rest. Further, if it is to be a verse poem then the verses should have some type of form. If it is to be abstract or free form then there's no need for stanzas. Overall, I'd say you have potential here, but polish it up so it really shines.
2006-09-23 21:54:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the fact that it's fairly freeform. I would say though that some of the wording is quite 'everyday' and not very poetic. If you re-think some of the descriptions and use more emotive words I think that would make it even better. It would also help with the rhythm – it flows like prose at the moment.
I do like the repeated use of 'great great grandmother' at the beginning and end – it rounds it off; and the use of metaphors is thoughtful.
So, lose the 'u', spend a little more time on it, but don't lose that heartfelt, personal touch.
2006-09-23 21:55:58 · answer #3 · answered by kpbunches 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Needs work. What are you really trying to say? What is in her world that you want to experience? Why do you want her to experience your world? The "far above the clouds" really needs work. This expression is trite and needs development. If you are speaking of the afterworld, include your concept of life/death rather than far above the clouds. Whirlpool of cries also needs some work. You need some fresh metaphors. What is a whirlpool of cries?
Read some Sylvia Plath poems. Her work can be depressing but the metaphors are beautiful. Try reading in particular Nick and the Candlestick for use of figurative language.
2006-09-24 11:40:54 · answer #4 · answered by juncogirl3 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly i thought it was alright.I think that the idea
behind it was great but in my opion the rymes seemed a little forced.I mean it seems you were trying to come up with make the stanza rymes. Also if you didnt tells us you are looking at a picture in the description than the reader might be confused.You might somewhere hint or mention you are looking at a photo( just an opion).I think that you have a good start but it needs abit of reworking and polishing.Keep writing and reading poetry.And best of luck on your poems
2006-09-23 21:52:58 · answer #5 · answered by the_maskedtoaster 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your salted tears mingle with mine; I long for days of sunlit coastline journeys. Even the minnows abdomen up in a line convey a quiver to my lips. I had a concept that the earth's ocean may well be the place the secrets and methods have been hidden. Now i will see no depths interior the sea the photos come to me, unbidden of a shy octopus cowering in a tank, seals and walrus' no longer enjoying, as a replace they circle a deliver that sank happy that the drowned ones are staying. sometime quickly, a deliver on the moon will go away out lifeless earth for yet another. The prophecies of doom linger and loom; Bless you on your sorrow, my Brother.
2016-10-17 21:10:51 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! This is an amazing poem! Fix the type-o's and find yourself a publisher! Good luck. I will read any poem you write! And I am a high school English Literature teacher!
2006-09-23 21:49:57 · answer #7 · answered by MaHaa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I write alot of poetry and have had a few pieces published and I thought it was brilliant.
Really heart-felt and real, you've got a good talent there, don't lose sight of that! xxx
2006-09-24 08:08:35 · answer #8 · answered by Kirk_84 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What's your great great great grandmother's history?? You don't mention anything but how she looked on the picture.
Poem is OK.
2006-09-23 21:47:52 · answer #9 · answered by mama T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People will tell you that you are a genius. Other people will tell you that you are rubbish. Don't listen to either. You have talent. Keep writing!
2006-09-23 22:07:49 · answer #10 · answered by Martin B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your sweetwords kissed my heart and they are very sweet
you have a real talent soon a book deal
2006-09-23 21:43:46 · answer #11 · answered by GOOCH 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋