I've known this man for about 8 years and we should have gotten together a long time ago but he was too shy to ask me and I was seeing his friend and didn't think he'd ever be interested in me. By the time I got to know him, he had a live-in girlfriend who later became his wife. One night it came out that he had liked me all along but didn't think he stood a chance. We did some things we shouldn't have. We tried to stop but couldn't. Finally, he stopped talking to me altogether. Now he's started talking to me again and though we haven't seen one another, we've both told one another that the feelings are still there. He often tells me that he regrets his past decisions to be with her and his fear of trying with me. I tell him that I regret having not seen it back when things would have been easier for us. I've never advised him to leave her because I feel that would be wrong of me but I really want to be with him and we are in love. What should I do?
2006-09-23 17:52:14 · 51 answers · asked by NB 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Let me just clarify that we were friends for many many years before anything happened between us (so obviously I know him rather well, it is not just lust) and that we have not seen each other nor have we discussed seeing each other since we started talking again. I wouldn't actually do anything with him again at this point b/c I don't want him to be in that position again. Contrary to popular belief, I AM thinking of his wife's feelings as well -- I would not want to be married to a man who wanted someone else. I'm actually a little ashamed that so many women around here seem to view men as property -- he does not "belong" to her and you can not "steal" a human being. With that said, please try to provide me with solid, real life advice...
2006-09-23 18:38:14 · update #1
You should stop being a home-wrecker.
People like you disgust me.
I don't get it person below me, you said it takes two to tango. Is this person not part of the two that tangoed?
2006-09-23 17:53:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 3⤋
Well, I might put it more diplomatically than China Doll, but you need to examine what you're doing more objectively.
You have a man struggling to remain true to his wife and resist the temptation he's already given into once.
If you really "love" him, you ought to take a good, long, HARD look at how you define "love"...because it sounds like you may simply be substituting the true definition of "love" with "lust".
Love is best defined as the volitional, willful commitment to place the best interests of another in front of your own.
Absolutely, unequivocally, without any wavering or wiggle room, the BEST thing for this guy is to STOP talking to you and work on remaining loyal and true to the wife he committed to with wedding vows.
The best thing you can do is DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SUPPORT HIS MARRIAGE, not be there to tempt him and make him lust after "greener pastures" - which is simply the adulterous bed of another who doesn't belong in the picture.
Step away, and leave this marriage alone. You don't belong anywhere near it.
Best to you.
2006-09-23 17:58:56 · answer #2 · answered by Timothy W 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, if he felt the same about you as you of him, he would leave his wife no question about it.
There's 2 categories and you need to figure out which one he falls under.
Either:
He sees that he has a good thing going of two women; putty in his hands and has no intention of divorcing his wife.
Or
He really does want to be with you and feels he's made wrong choices and taken all the wrong paths in his life, but now it means divorce, tough times and uncertainties that lay ahead and he could be frightened to take the first step.
Whats for sure is that you really need to figure out what he REALLY wants not what he thinks he wants.
Ultimately everything will work out for you in the end either way, just don't get burned in the process.
Good Luck!
2006-09-26 09:59:43 · answer #3 · answered by Smoggy Wogg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I will be honest I didnt even read your entire question. You KNOW what the problem is he is MARRIED!!!!!!!! That is enough said! Why would you want to ruin someone else's life just to be happy? And why in the hell dont you think that he would do that to you? You are no different he is a dog and if you lay with dogs you rise with fleas. Dont be a homewrecker....she might come find you (his wife) and after slapping the sh-- out of him beat you down as well. Dont become a Lifetime movie! Leave him alone, d--k comes dime a dozen! Meaning there are other men, find one that is single! Would u like if it happened to you?
2006-09-23 17:56:44 · answer #4 · answered by Evil Red 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that perhaps you don't know this guy quite as well as you think you do. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of time for him because I've seen the train-wreck that resulted from just such a scenario (in that case the man wasn't married to the other woman, but she was pregnant with his child).
Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it. What he's telling you about "regretting decisions" is just a ploy to get you to sleep with him again. You may be in love with him, but he's using you.
In the scenario I mentioned above, the woman in your position decided not to go for it and is now happily married to someone else. The man went back to his girlfriend, then dumped her (now with two kids) for the next woman that caught his eye and fell for his charms. Just as he had dumped his wife and two more kids to be with that girlfriend (so she knew what she was taking on).
Some men are unable to commit, but talk a great relationship - sounds to me like he's one of them.
2006-09-23 19:33:28 · answer #5 · answered by gvih2g2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly love him, leave him alone respect his marriage. If you don't you run the risk of loosing him as a friend at all, and if your friends with his wife, you would most certainly loose that friendship. A friend doesn't do that. A friend will take the short end of the stick for a friend. Love is blind, but marriage sure is an eye opener. I think you should suck it up, quit livin in the past and move on.:)
2006-09-23 18:02:04 · answer #6 · answered by Michael 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, let me say that I don't think of you as a home wrecker. I have several suggestions, either of which -- should you decide to use the idea -- you should do before the holidays arrive. Have you ever thought of planning an innocent brunch, or lunch, for the two of you so that you can talk things out in public? Dinner is too dangerous because it's at night, and the temptation to bring alcohol might be too strong.
Avoid private meetings -- the whole rendezvous thing -- because that behavior would be adulterous on his part. It IS very important for the two of you to honor your past mutual fondness for each other; talking over food (without any alcohol) would be an acceptable way to do this.
I wish I had followed this kind of advice when an old flame found my phone number and called me (this was more than 10 years ago, mind you). He had gotten married and had children and asked me why we had not taken the relationship further back when we were teenagers. We agreed that, back then, we were simply too timid. Well, after he called me, I regretted not suggesting that we meet -- in public -- to talk about how our paths led in different directions.
In a totally different situation, someone who had a crush on me long ago called me up and arranged for me to come meet him and his spouse at a public event. He said he had told his spouse how he felt about me all those years ago, and that she was curious about me. We only knew each other through our work and had never had any relationship, but on his part the crush had been strong. Well, I arrived at the public event, and I was careful to have dressed conservatively, but when my old colleague walked up to me, his spouse was absent. I had words with him and never saw him again. I mention this situation to you to show you that my old colleague should have been honest with himself and simply arranged that we meet for lunch in a public place, and that kind of meeting would have given him a chance to dispel any fantasies he had carried in his mind about me for all those years.
Another good idea for you would be to begin a journal and to keep it private. By private, I mean keep it in a safe deposit box, not anywhere in your home. Let out all your feelings in that journal, for you will be the only one with access to it. You just mind find that there's a latent writer inside of you. Who knows? You just might end up writing great works of fiction and reaching worldwide acclaim as one of the most original artists of the 21st century! Good luck, whatever you decide.
2006-09-23 19:14:43 · answer #7 · answered by avab2u 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do the right and honerable thing and LEAVE HIM ALONE. Im sorry that you have regrets, Im sorry that you both left things too late, but he is now married and you have no place in his life. He needs to get real and get back intouch emotionally with his wife as he made vows with her and not with you. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you like to know that your husband played around with another girl and she is now persuing him.......be honorable .......stay away and let their marriage have a chance to work. You time with him passed.
2006-09-23 17:56:46 · answer #8 · answered by Linda 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Totally nothing, go out a find a new guy, instead of living in hope that one day you and this guy will get together, he is married now, Think about his wife. You sound still very young, so get out there and live life to the fullest, and enjoy yourself, cheers good luck and god bless.
2006-09-23 18:21:04 · answer #9 · answered by donua1022 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are doing the right thing in not seeing him or talking to him. It might be comforting to think that if he leaves her, it will be the 2 of you together who broke up his marriage, but let's face it, he wouldn't leave her if you weren't around. If I were you I'd do the right thing again and leave the area. Put temptation out of his reach and don't be the cause of breaking up the marriage.
2006-09-24 01:51:17 · answer #10 · answered by good tree 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That reminds me of a book called "something blue." Except the guy was never married. Um. Yeah. =\ I can't tell you what to do because I'd feel bad if I was in your position. I wouldn't ask him to cheat on his wife (because I'd hate to have MY husband - even though I don't have one - to cheat on me) or even get a divorce. You guys can just stay friends, no? If he really loves you that much.. then he'd do something about it instead of just spilling his heart out.
2006-09-23 17:55:50 · answer #11 · answered by somethingsovague 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋