As if people keep sitting on me
Its my pressure,
Its my note, there is nothing wrong with me.
You all seem to play this hooked tune,
While you puncture your precious skin,
With the needles.
Its my note, and there is nothing wrong with me.
I will always be the little boy they think I am.
I will always be the perfect one they put on me.
Its my sins, they capture me in my dreams.
And I will never remember the bad,
The times I was thirsty, the time I drank nothing.
It was the only time I really felt real, now that I’m empty.
You’re the spoken word
You’re the imaginable angel that people kiss,
Sometimes you realize you’re one of many,
Sometimes you realize you’re known by plenty,
Sometimes, sometimes, there are some times when…
You love me.
2006-09-23 14:30:42 · 13 answers · asked by oderin 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
I dig it.
2006-09-23 14:33:03 · answer #1 · answered by Shepherd 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a very deep poem but it can have so many implications. I am reading it and getting something negative. In the beginning you speak of the great pressure of society that feels like they are sitting on you or condemning you for what you are doing yet they are doing worse. In the second part you go on to say that you will always be looked upon with innocence but somehow it seems that to be by day and your wrong is done at night where no one can see but you. When in this DREAM, you tend to forget all the sorrows of life but it gave you a high that made you feel alive and strong with no problems of maybe poverty or something like that. In the end you portray something grand that you can hold on to that keeps you away from your reality and makes you feel important and loved. I think you are talking of ganja.
It's real good anyway and please give details if I am wrong
2006-09-23 21:52:29 · answer #2 · answered by osito 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have the poetic means to say something but are not quite focused on what to say. There are some good lines there ("You’re the imaginable angel that people kiss") but they don't seem to lead anywhere. There are also lines I think you would change if you could read it as if someone else had written it.
2006-09-23 22:33:07 · answer #3 · answered by haroldpohl2000 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would start by saying the premise is interesting, but you bounce around in trying to get your point across.
Try fewer lines with more power, and try describing your angst with the effort to be perfect with the realization of imperfection in fewer and more powerful words.
Try changing the stanza for a better and more rapid pace
2006-09-23 21:44:26 · answer #4 · answered by sunsetsrbest1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is the middle of the night. Is it the reason why I do not understand the essence of your poem? Various nice images and nice balance of words but I fail to see the link. Maybe it is just me.
2006-09-23 21:41:08 · answer #5 · answered by Claire 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get a good night's sleep and work on it until there's some kind of pattern to follow.
2006-09-23 21:36:04 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It speaks a message, just like any piece of writing should.
2006-09-23 21:45:35 · answer #7 · answered by Sam M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess it's ok! but seems like it means that you're afraid to be yourself always tryng to please others and not showing who you really are...your innerself is dying to come out!!!
2006-09-23 21:44:40 · answer #8 · answered by spanishqueen39 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's sort of powerful. Maybe add a rhyme here and there if you can.
2006-09-23 21:33:23 · answer #9 · answered by Chicken7065 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it. Whether you publish it or not, you should at least copyright it.
2006-09-23 21:44:37 · answer #10 · answered by retrodragonfly 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋