Is it bad to "dispise" my stepchildren b/c I truly dislike their mother? What can I do to change this?

Question

I shouldn't have said "dispise". I do really love these 3 kids - they just rattle me nerves.

Answer 1

Ask God to change the jealousy inside of you and the threat that you're feeling from her and them. You have him. He's your man. Stop worrying about what was, comparing or fearing. To despise the children because you dislike their mother shows your heart is in the wrong place. It's not their fault. Find out why you despise her, then forgive her and find peace in your heart so that you can be a good step mother to those kids.

Answer 2

How can you despise children? Even if they are not accepting of you, you have to remember what these kids have been through. Whatever the terms of the divorce was, and then Dad marries someone new, and now they not only have to deal with feelings of animosity toward their parents, who they probably feel betrayed them, but also toward this new person, who in their eyes, may as well be an alien. I am not trying to make light of your situation at all, I am trying to make a very valid point to you. It is so difficult being the second wife/husband, especailly with the kids involved, merely because you have to fight for your place in the family. You are the outsider because they already have a history, and you are trying to build a history AND a future. A mixed family like this needs to be a tight knit one with people willing to make the adjustments to make EVERYONE comfortable, not just the newcomer. SO, I would suggest that you let it go. Yep, that is right. Let it go. Release all of your feelings of being overwhelmed, of hating this EX wife, of despising these children, and I am sure the feelings of animosity building toward your husband. Because if you don't, it will eat you alive. Find common ground with them. Give it your all. Go to games, take the out. You and your husband need to take these children and explain to them what it is going to mean having you be a part of the family (I am surprised that you didn't already do this before you were married). That although you understand their feelings, you too have mixed emotions about this, and you all just have to learn to get along and live with each other. Let them know that you aren't trying to take mom's place, instead, you are lending a hand at raising them in a good, loving enviroment. Try finding common ground with the ex-wife, and if she really has her childrens best interests at heart, then that common ground WOULD be her children. If all else fails, you all need to seek counseling to help blend this family together. And that could mean pychiatrist or church, whichever would heal you all faster. Life is a healing process that none of us have a book on how to do. While your feelings are so very valid, so are theirs. Remember that next time you think of how much you dislike and despise all of them. I hope that everything works out for you, and that some of the advice in here will be helpful to you. Good Luck and God bless you and yours...because they are ALL yours now :)

Answer 3

You do not have the right to dislike any child because of their parents. You must treat them with kindness and offer your love if you choose to live with them and call yourself their stepmother. Children are innocent, and they cannot choose their parents any more than they can choose their step-parents. They did not choose you, their father did. You chose them the minute you walked down the aisle with their father. Every child deserves to be loved and cared for by the adults living with them. With a little maturity from you and your husband's ex-wife, you can both put the children's needs and best interests first before any ill feelings that you may share for each other. Start with baby-steps and before you know it, you may truly fall in love with your new children, and loose the "step" in children all together.

Answer 4

How sad. Your stepchildren are a package deal along with their father. If you don't love them then you need to leave your husband.

I can't stand my husband's ex but I pay her no attention. I know I am better than her. I would never take it out on my stepkids. It is not their fault that their mother is the way she is.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Yes it is bad. Try to find something that you can do to relate with each child in a individual basis. Like build a rocket with one of the boys or if they are girls do a girly day of nails and hair. Try to find a point of interest in the kids and forget the Ex- My girlfriend has the same problem with my ex and the boys don't give her much slack. some days are tough but with my support she keeps trying. Good Luck

Answer 6

Is this your wife you're talking about? You dislike her and you're married to her? If this is the case you need to do something about it. Yes it is bad to "despise" your stepchildren because it's not their fault that you don't like their mother, they're innocent in it. Get a grip and remedy the situation, you're the adult here.

Answer 7

It is bad....
but my best friend has the same problem. she however doesn't "despise" her step kids... she just feels uncomfortable towards them. she told me once that she feels that b/c everything that goes on in her house is taken back to her (good and bad). her hubbys ex is a very unstable person and has done some very bad things to the new family. but deep down she really does love them. it sounds maybe like you have the same deal. she is working on a better relationship with the girls tho and it is showing promise

Answer 8

I just have one thing too say please,please,please don't take it out on the kids it's not thier fault,I went thriught that it makes it so aquward in many diferent ways if the step mom does take it out on the kids,and another thing don't tell the kids thier mother is a bad person

Answer 9

Just remember you chose the father of these childrenn to share his life with you. Remember also that is not the children's fault you don't like their mother. Think how would you feel if somebody will feel that way about you and your children.

Not linking the mother is something you are not obligated to. But the childre came in the package you picked.

Answer 10

Yes...it is.

You have to be unselfish and smart enough to be able to differentiate between your feelings for her and your feelings toward her children. That is a very one-dimensional way to think. However, in your defense you are asking about it. So you recognize this and want to find out about it. That's good! You MAY want to think about going to counseling so you can talk to someone one-on-one about this and see what suggestions they give you.

The poison in what you feel for her is so bad because it bleeds over to other things. That's what's so bad about it. It takes a lot of character and self discipline to resolve this kind of conflict in your mind and be able to separate them (her children) from her. You can't allow your feelings for her influence how you feel, or interact with them. That's just not right. You need to deal with this, and I think the best way is counseling. Sorry, but that's what I think is best for you with this. I wasn't trying to insult you, but I wanted to communicate to you what I, and possibly others see, and that is not a good thing.

Go check into getting some help. Get to feeling good about things again....them, and yourself. You don't have to like her if you like her kids. They are separate people altogether.

I wish you nothing but the best......good luck to you!