My step-daughter got into some serious trouble this summer while in our care. I was the one that caught her and busted her to her mother. She told a bunch of kids at school and somehow her mother has blamed me for telling everyone about what she did. She sent my husband, her ex, an email all about what I supposibly did. Of course it is not true. But my husband did not defend me the way he should have. I have been after him for the last 3 weeks to call them and straighten this out. His daughter is manipulating both of them and blaming me for her actions. What should I do to get him to straighten this out, I refuse to be her scapegoat anymore. He dosen't want to stir anything up because of the slight chance his ex will take him back to court. How do I get him to grow a backbone?
2006-09-23 11:34:36 · 17 answers · asked by concerned 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
let's clarify a few things, I will not leave my husband, I love him dearly. I talked to him about what his daughter did and we decided together to tell her mother, he made the initial phone call. His ex was my best friend (haha) for a few days until his daughter started telling people and then decided to blame me. He just wants to keep the peace but I think he should defend me a bit more. Right?
2006-09-23 11:48:35 · update #1
If you've been after him for the last three weeks and he's still not responsive, then you should figure out just what your limitations are and let him know. Whether you're a stepmom or a bio mom, you (and your husband) are responsible for her while she's in your home. If you and your husband don't have an agreement about how to handle these kinds of issues, then he needs to tell you how he thinks it should be handled, and give him a deadline to respond. Tell him that, if he doesn't, then you want the four of you to sit down and discuss the matter; the end result will be either the bio parents work it out, or they understand that what you all want is for your stepdaughter to be safe (which is why any parent has rules of any kind) and what can you all do to resolve the matter. If they give you any flack about it, then tell them you wanted a resolution, but they're going to have to handle it. Let them know what behaviors you're not willing to accept, and if they don't like it the can handle it. Say what you mean, try for an amicable solution and tell them to step off if they're resistant or unwilling.
2006-09-23 11:47:16 · answer #1 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry I disagree. The person who needs to get a backbone is YOU.
Who is the adult in this situation? A CHILD is trying to cause drama in your life and you allow it. Your husband is truly trying to keep the peace, keep it with him. So what a CHILD told something to some CHILDREN at school and started some drama with your husband and his estranged wife. You married him and his baggage. Live with it.
This made for television drama is supported by the commercials you buy to sponsor it. HELLO. Stop buying the commercials and the drama will go away.
But if you feel the need to stir up the wasps nest and continue this CHILDISH crap, then why don't you grow a backbone and go over to the mother's house and have a face to face conversation and straighten it out woman to woman. Or even better, how about Jerry Springer?
2006-09-23 12:13:05 · answer #2 · answered by joe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is difficult being a step-parent especially when you don't have a strong relationship with the child, adolescent, etc. I would have first mentioned the incident to your husband with your stepdaughter present. Since she was in your care at the time the matter should have been addressed by your husband first. Then the matter should have been exposed to your stepdaughter's mother. Since you are the step-parent your step-daughter may have felt as though you did not have the right to tell her mother. With regard to your husband perhaps he feels that you took it upon yourself to address the issue then why should he get involved after the fact. Also, he may not want to choose sides. He may feel that you did the right thing, but he will not support you openly. You can give your husband backbone by allowing him to handle his daughter. Only become involved if he asks.
2006-09-23 11:45:56 · answer #3 · answered by devril@sbcglobal.net 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oy vay! The kids playing the parents against the step parents game! Been there done that! Newly remarraige? The kid wants mom and dad back together and cannot accept that mom and dad have moved on and have new people in their lives. It may not sound like it now, but this too shall pass. It may take a while and it may be legal but in years to come it will be over. Sure she is manipulating this. If she is the only daughter she is used to being daddy's little girl and wants to be the "only woman" in daddy's life. How old is the girl? Sounds a lot like my step-daughter but luckily her mother was on the same page as us and we (mom/step-mom, dad/step-dad) all knew what she was up to and would not allow her to walk all over us. Where is she now? Still in trouble with the law.
2006-09-23 11:49:10 · answer #4 · answered by faith4ricknlisa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have left your husband to deal with "busting" her. Your the adult here not the scapegoat. Perhaps if he get his ex mad she will take him back to court for the amount he should actually pay in child support. You can't make a man grow a back bone.
2006-09-23 11:42:42 · answer #5 · answered by Whiskeygirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dump him he sounds like a real wimp...nobody should have that much control over him...if he loves you he shouldn't be intimidated by some jealous b i t c h that uses her daughter as a crutch to hold on to your man and control his actions.
2006-09-23 11:38:38 · answer #6 · answered by billyboysblue 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't make him grow a backbone. You can only grow your own.
Ask yourself if you deserve the treatment he is giving you and act accordingly.
2006-09-23 11:37:46 · answer #7 · answered by booktender 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, you're not the kids' biological mother, you do have the rights to tell her what to do, but kids don't normally listen to step parents, I think you should let your husband and his ex wife handle the kids thing.
2006-09-23 11:37:55 · answer #8 · answered by superboredom 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your husband is headed for wife #3. Sorry.
2006-09-23 11:38:47 · answer #9 · answered by Johnny P 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Of course he's going to defend his daughter you dumb@$$!!!! It's his daughter for crying out loud and she should always come 1st in his life!!!!!! Not you his daughter!!!!! Maybe your step-daughter doesn't like you..........i don't like my step-dad.......get over it......she's going to be number 1 in his life!!!!! So leave your step-daughter alone........she's never going to listen to you because your not her biological parent so stop tring to act like she's your daughter cause she's not!!!!
2006-09-23 11:59:34 · answer #10 · answered by KK 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋