Introduction
Life has handed me a **** load of problems. I was put into circumstances that I thought were not under my control. My parents manipulated me into thinking I had no control, no say in the matter. Then one day I found something so remarkable and so powerful. I found my voice. This was how I fought back. I never knew words could be so effective. This gift from God saved me. I claimed my life back. No one was ever going to hurt me again. My name is Veronica and this is my story.
My story is ugly, sad, heartbreaking, and revolting. It may also be hard to hear but it is necessary. My hope is that it will be helpful and comforting. Sexual abuse is such a huge epidemic. No one wants to talk about sexual abuse or even know about it. Ignoring it will not make it go away. All we have done is give these sexual abusers more power by making it acceptable in our society. What the is wrong with people.
2006-09-23 05:59:44 · 9 answers · asked by vlg 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Philosophy
The subject itself is angst-ridden. The use of the first person approach makes it more difficult to comprehend.
Frankly, the introduction has told that much... the rest of the paragraphs that will follow will just be rantings, ravings and other semi-hysterical declarations that were attempted to be structured into a formal composition.
If you can change it into the third person narrative, it will come across as a clinical and objective narrative that attempts to dissect into an issue as dispassionately as possible but citing a concrete example to which the reader must not be able to help but sympathize with.
2006-09-23 06:09:58 · answer #1 · answered by Bummerang 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"My story is ugly, sad, heartbreaking, and revolting. It may also be hard to hear but it is necessary. My hope is that it will be helpful and comforting. My name is Veronica and this is my story"
think this phrase should have started your essay. much better to start with.
"Life has handed me a **** load of problems. I was put into circumstances that I thought were not under my control. My parents manipulated me into thinking I had no control, no say in the matter. Then one day I found something so remarkable and so powerful. I found my voice. This was how I fought back. I never knew words could be so effective. This gift from God saved me. I claimed my life back."
"Sexual abuse is such a huge epidemic. No one wants to talk about sexual abuse or even know about it. Ignoring it will not make it go away. All we have done is give these sexual abusers more power by making it acceptable in our society. What the is wrong with people."
these two paragraphs doesn't jive. i mean, what do you intend? how would you connect these two ideas? unless you can establish a connection between them, your essay remains a clash of themes.
hopefully, these will guide your concept. try to devise a connection. other than that.... pretty good composition... good luck
2006-09-23 06:31:49 · answer #2 · answered by VeRDuGo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just one comment: You say that we have given abusers more power by making it acceptable. I think you need to re-word that sentence because it implies society thinks sexual abuse is acceptable, and it really doesn't.
If I have misinterpreted your meaning then you should clarify for others readers who may also misinterpret it. "What the is wrong with people" is kind of baffling too - not because of the missing word in the typing but because you seem to presume that there is something wrong with people in general. "What is wrong with some people" may be a better sentence; or else, rather than ask what's wrong with people you may want to instead ask why so many good people who don't understand sufficiently don't understand sufficiently or don't do something more.
I think you need to decide if you are going to tell your story as a story or if you're going to present it as an account of your thoughts. "What is wrong with people" comes across more as the frustrated victim's lament, which is fine if you're presenting the story as "the inner-most thoughts" of a victim. If you're trying to present a more factual, biographical, account of one person's situation you may want to leave out remarks that seem like a frustrated and angry victim's lament and change them into some more objective.
By all means write your story, and by all means play up the importance of the ability to speak up.
2006-09-23 06:23:46 · answer #3 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's an interesting few paragraphs, but you are mixing too many ideas in the first paragraph that makes it incomprehensible. I would toss out the first paragraph and begin with the second. Decide what your thesis is. Is it an essay about sexual abuse? Is it an essay about finding inner strength and God? Is it a story of resiliency in the face of heartbreak and abuse? Once you decide on a thesis, the essay will flow more evenly and consistently.
2006-09-23 08:34:36 · answer #4 · answered by cheyennetomahawk 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
True story or fiction? OK for a start say a 7/10
2006-09-23 06:09:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep writing, you have a good start. Interesting right from the first line. Makes me want to read more and find out how you have the strength to grow even stronger.
2006-09-23 06:06:27 · answer #6 · answered by grannygrits 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's good, it keeps me interested. I hope we can read some more.
2006-09-23 06:09:15 · answer #7 · answered by interpreters_are_hot 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good for you.. Lilfe has its problems and maybe you have solved ONE of them.. ONE only of millions
2006-09-23 06:06:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
sound good
2006-09-23 06:06:55 · answer #9 · answered by William Wang 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋