How can i trust that my husband doesnt cross the line with porn?

Question

I used to love looking at porn, but when my husband went to Iraq I discovered some disturbing things on his computer. I found out he was paying for porn and looking at it while i was asleep. I also found out that he had "forgotton to remove himself from several online dating sites even though we were together for two years. When i realized he had saved pictures in his folder of nude women but none of me i was crushed. He says he doesn't chat or look at webcams but I cant seem to trust that when i have found webcam files on his computer. This drives me insane when i have alone time and cant resist checking his computer. He gets insanely mad when i do and has password protected it. How do I make him understand that I know when he lies to me and I wonder sometimes to what extent? The thing is, I used to share my porn with him, we have made videos but he never watches them or looks at my "sexy" pics, how can i not be hurt? What can i do online without crossing the line to make him feel me?

Answer 1

make a fake id with a fake pic, and go to one of his dating sites, and send him a flirt.

if he flirts back, kick him to the curb

Answer 2

You actually can't do anything that is going to get back at him for this, because as mind blowing as it seems, your husband has an addiction. At one point in time, he may have felt remorse for what he did, but only because you found out, and now, not only does he get angry, but he has continued to do it. THAT alone should be a wake up for you. Your husband needs counseling, and instead of making him feel as if he is a disgusting and sick person by making him go alone, you should go with him. Although you may have "talked" to him about this, he probably heard nothing you said. Because if he had, he would have stopped as soon as you found out. He is fantasizing about other woman, not you, and in a way, I don't care what the experts say because everyone is arguing about this, that is cheating. Period. Password protecting what he doesn't want you to see means there is something going on that he is terrified you are going to find out about, and you have right to be upset about this. I am sure that you are not only hurt, but also questioning wether or not he has gone out and done something instead of only looking, how could you not? Him being in the miltiary and gone all the time doesn't help with the way you are feeling either, I am sure. My husband is in the Navy, gone on many deployments during our ten year marriage, and I can't help but to trust him, but in the back of my mind always question what he may or may not have done. (he swears nothing), and then last October, I found the same thing that you did. Online dating sites where he was listed as single, seven of them, and multiple porn activities, which our eleven year old daughter had pop up on her. I confronted him. In a big way. Startng with the biggest question of all...ARE YOU HAPPY?? Do you still find me attractive? Do you want to be with me? He answered yes, to all of the questions that I asked him. He felt horrible, and he should have. I did not feel bad for breaking into these websites. Period. And the sneakiest part of them all is that I downloaded a password program that saves every password used on the computer, and he didn't know it. So, after our confrontation, I sat with him as he deleted everything that he had done. Closed all of the accounts. And that was a year ago and he hasn't done it since. It is so difficult to be in a military marriage to begin with, and when you are second guessing yourself, and questioning feelings that you thought would never change, it is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I hope that some of this advice helped. You have very right to be hurt, and he needs to know how deeply you feel this. period. And he needs to know that while you can do it together, which you have, alone isn't ok. It isn't ok to be on the relationship websites, and it isn't ok that he is classiftying himself as single because he is anything but. Seek out counseling, and maybe look for things to spice it up a little bit. Good Luck, I hope this helped. :)

Answer 3

Well most men look at internet porn sites n many pay as well. So thats not really a big deal unless he is spending bill money for it. Then its a problem. Nude pics of other women on ur puter is no big deal but he should have some of u unless u are annoyed w/ showing ur body naked. Also the dating sites many men like to join not necessarily to date but to look at pictures of cute ladies who are available just to be nosey. Most single /divorced women want their own man not one belonging to someone else. So they check him out good and if they can't come to his place or call they become suspicious n stop dating that man or if they are there at his places w/ pictures of ex or g/fs then they know he is not through w/ his exes. So thats not a big problem -unless he gets w/ a young single young woman n gets into her mind then u have probs -they will not give him up as long as they think they have a chance to be w/ him as his new wifey. FYI ok If u want to check on his online commings n going s there is spyware u can put on ur/his puter to check where he has been. So good luck hope I was helpful.

Answer 4

First of all, don't cause arguments about it - this will make him angry and defensive and it will get you nowhere.

Ask him to have a talk with you and tell him you are worried that he doesn't fancy you no more.

Ask him why he feels the need to look at porn - although it is normal - to an extent.

Try to encourage him only to do it while you are there so you can have the fun together - so it suits both of you.

If he is really secretive about it then perhaps your concerns are well founded. If talking fails, monitor his 'habits' for say a fortnight and keep a record of the types of things he does ( chat, images, date sites etc).

Try talking to him again after a fortnight, show him the proof and say its jepordising the marriage. if he still fails to listen - get the internet took out and tell him to get his act together. After all - what's the use of being married if he'd rather play by himself?

Answer 5

Because you both started watching it together, this makes it tougher, you've quit now you want him to quit. It's one thing when a husband and wife do things together with each other, it's another when it involves someone else outside of the marriage. Porn is never a good idea, it can be an addiction and can destroy families. The best thing to do is to talk with him and let him know how you feel about it, and that you can't handle it. Tell him it is not acceptable for you. I don't blame you. I wouldn't be with someone who did this, I broke many relationships because of it.

Answer 6

Well, from what I see the porn isn't the problem. Your husband is crossing the line with all his dating sites. I would tell him "why can't I see what you have been doing? Is it because you have something to hide?" I look at porn as well, but I'm not hiding anything from my wife. That's why I believe he crossed the line. If he would agree to show you what he's doing, then there would be nothing wrong. I believe when your married there should be no secrets.

Answer 7

Well what goes around comes around. Its never good to try to make your spouse feel what you are feeling by doing some of the things he or she is doing while not completely crossing the line. You will end up crossing the line either by your own rules or by your spouses.
Sit down your spouse and let him know how this is tearing apaprt your marriage and your relationship. If he doesnt understand this, then ask him if his behaviour would be acceptable for you to do. If he doesnt agree then ask him why.
Go from there.
Once a cheater always a cheater.

Answer 8

I think many military wives are confronted with this issue, they get hooked on it when they are away from home, for one they have nothing to do when it is down time, and if they aren't looking for it then a buddy sends it to them. The only solution I can offer is this : Stand strong and tell him you 'd like to watch it together and that it bothers you he's getting up in the middle of the night to surf. Explain to him that when it causes sexual problems between the two of you then the porn is a problem and it's causing problems. As far as feeling hurt about other women trust me many of us know what your feeling...........Solution to that try and accept it in this manner, as long as he is not distrespecting of you when passing other women and tries to make you feel important I would see the porn as this and most men do see it as this " it's an unemotional fling for them, they see most of those women as sluts anyway, and wouldn't screw them if they were right in front of them, they also don't see them as wife or mother material either, Their/his emotions are with you the wife, which is deeper than them sitting and looking at sluts posing nude.

Im sure you have heard that one site that was taken down called www.nowthatsfu**up.com <-- the gov and state of florida ripped that site down because soldiers were going on therer trading nude pics for free porn. and let me tell you It made me truely sick what SOME WOMEN SOLDIERS do while they are over there and it is NOT all women soldiers, but many of them who pose nude, and many other very UNPROFESSIONAL behavior these women need kicked out, if men were to do that they have every ripped off them, these low life sluts don't lose a thing while over there seducing our husbands!!!

PORN HAS BEEN A VERY PROBMATIC ISSUE when it comes to many, many soldiers.

The most you can do is let youself not feel insulted, try to get him to not watch it as often, and stand strong on the getting up in the middle of the night when he's over there there is not much you can do, make him a deal I dont' care what you do over there but DONT BRING IT HOME, also talk to your Chaplin see what advice he can give you about it.

I wish you the best of luck with this s**** i hate it to. I don't really have that problem but I know those who do.

Answer 9

you are in a hard situation, but don't try to compete with his porn. remember porn and actual people are very different things, if you start considering them to be the same then he might too. when you know he is looking at porn ask he him to do something else sexual with you. tell him how much it upsets you that he is looking at other women and still on dating sites. if he doesn't understand you might want to consider going to counseling of some sort.

Answer 10

Your husband is a sex addict. Pornography is as addictive as is any other substance. Frankly, it's just aweful. When my ex got into porn, our marriage was disintegrating -- alcohol, script drugs, porn, depression..... when it included another lady, I ran.. Those girls are airbrushed and 16 years old. Why wouldn't you be hurt when your husband is looking at them. Wait til he gets into kiddy porn......... Disgusting..... Marriages are made of Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. Looks like yours lack them all. The question I have for you is "Why are you still there????"

Answer 11

wow, you guys are so far down this road - and it needs to stop. If the porn (or anything else for that matter) is hurtng your marriage you both need to agree to stop. If he doesn't waht to, then try to get him into marriage counseling. Failing that, you may find you have an addict - that would be hard to live with for the rest of your life.

Good Luck!