English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

I caught my wife of 8 years cheating. We are going to counseling and she says and acts like she loves me, she said she didn't want a divorce and that she cheated because she didn't think I liked her or was in love with her anymore. She was wrong, I still loved her. Although neither of us have been real happy the last few years, I hadn't giving up on us. I followed her out and caught her at his home. We had a long hard talk and she's sorry and loves me again. I do see and feel the changes in her, but I read the graphic emails between her and him. I cannot make love to her without visualizing her and him together. I am an emotional train wreck. I do love her but my ability to trust and believe her is gone. I actually want to catch her lying to me again, my therapist said thats just how my personality works. This happened a month ago. I am worried I cannot get beyond the pain. She holds me when I cry and says she's sorry. How do I move on from this and erase the visions in my head???

2006-09-23 00:17:19 · 28 answers · asked by engco911 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

I have been married before and this wa her first marriage. She cheated with an old boyfriend she hadn't seen in 10 years after they hooked up at a funeral. We have a 6 year old son. She has agreed to give me custody as a sign of good faith to try and save our marriage. I really believe she will not see or talk to the ex boyfriend again.

2006-09-23 00:37:36 · update #1

28 answers

First of all you are not alone in this situation. Many of us have dealt with or are dealing with the pain you find yourself in. In my case discovery day was July 2nd, 2002.

My wife and I are still together, its a long hard road and you either decide to travel it together or you end up taking a fork in the road and traveling alone. Either way you need to recover from this incident.

In marriage we give our partners blind trust, we should never do that with anyone. Do you blindly trust your mechanic, banker or broker? Recovery and healing are possible, but it takes time, at a month out you are very raw emotionally and this is totally understandable.

There are sites available for help with this issue, my favorite is http://www.network54.com/Index/32374

Best advice, don't make any life altering decisions for at least six months. It will be hard, but you can make it if your wife is willing to give 100% effort to helping you heal.

As for the healing, it has three prongs, you have to heal, your wife has to heal, (understand why she did this) and the relationship has to heal.

Good luck

2006-09-23 01:40:32 · answer #1 · answered by OleMarbleEyes 5 · 0 2

She does sound sincere, using the son as a way of proving herself should be the decision maker on your part because you know the love she has for her own son. She is the one that cheated but you also have to look at yourself as to what part you played in it. You said that she felt like you didn't love her anymore, I believe this the part where you come in, alot of times the partner of a marriage is taken for granted and the other never shows there love for the other. When your mind starts to visualize her with him just think of how grateful you are for not losing her and get past it. I would stay with it, people are human and make mistakes. I am a guy and I think working it out will make you and her a better husband and wife to each other. But once you make your mind up let that be it and don't bring it up again. This will require an effort on your part and of course it probably will not be easy either. Things happen, but she is with you again. Good luck.

2006-09-23 03:02:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

If u want to stay in this marriage, realize that it's going to take an extremely long time for u to regain some of that trust, though it may not ever be 100% again. If she is not doing her part in helping u regain that trust, it can take even longer. How long depends on the person. Some take months, others yrs. Don't expect to get over it in a month, unless u didn't care about her to begin with.

This is why it's so important for the couple not to betray each other because once that happens, the relationship is tainted forever. Like anything else, it takes time and only then can u decide if u will ever get past this.

2006-09-23 00:35:13 · answer #3 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 1 1

it will be a while before the pain goes away, but it didnt help u at all when you read the graphic emails it would have been better for you if you didnt know that much. thats what triggered the visualizations most likely. and dont try to catch her anymore. if shes honestly sorry it wont happen again. and with the trust thing it will come in time too. pick up a hobby or something to make yourself a little busier. it will help with the pain part. and as for your wife if it happens again divorce her no matter what she wants.if it happens again then she doesnt love you. although it shouldnt have happened to begin with. if she has changed it wont happen agian.

2006-09-23 00:37:23 · answer #4 · answered by PyroPixie 2 · 0 1

You poor man-i really feel for you.It is pig poo what your wife says,you need to get out of that relationship,that sham of a marriage.You have probably seen it enough times on here if you are a regular visitor,but once a cheater-always a cheater-sorry but she WILL do it again,you cannot be there all the time to see that she doesn't.The trust has gone-the love will soon follow.You will eventually get over the pain-it will take ages but you will survive.Kick this woman to the kerb,you can do so much better.I know it is not what you wanted to hear,but the truth hurts sometimes.Wish you well.

2006-09-23 00:38:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

I do realize that what she did was wrong and a lot of people's responses would be to dump her. I wouldn't blame you if you did.

This is gonna sound like an unpopular response here but have you looked inside of yourself to try to figure out what you have done or haven't done that would make her think of straying? Sometimes that may be the case. In other cases, she could be the type of person who gets bored easily, and needs constant stimulation (excitement in her life etc)

Feel free to send me an email if you need to talk. Marriage is not an easy thing, that's for sure. It's easy to get married, it's way harder to want to stay married.

God Bless and I hope things work out for you.

2006-09-23 02:19:32 · answer #6 · answered by Jennifer L 6 · 1 1

This is a make or break situation. If you decide to return the same treatment your wife had agonised you with, it will only hurt her, and make the situation worse for both of you. So if u do that, be sure of yourself that you don't intend to spend the rest of your life with her.

She had broken the trust u have in her, therefore you are finding hard to accept her again. Love is about making sacrifices for each other. If you love her VERY much to live in pain (at least for now 'cos of her adultery act) and choose to stay with her, be prepared to accept the fact that she had done wrong but at the sametime be able to FORGIVE her.

I know that is a big sacrifice- to forgive and carry on life with her.
If that happens to me, I will forgive once, and won't even reconsider a second chance if this happens again.

2006-09-23 00:56:21 · answer #7 · answered by nyr1712 1 · 0 1

You mentioned that you are going to counselling together.
Next time you are with the counsellor, discuss the ‘graphic emails’ that she and the other party exchange.
Don’t say anything to your wife about them without being in the presence of the counsellor.

You need to believe that your wife is never going to cheat on you again, for your relationship to be a success.
If she is going to continue to give you reason to doubt her (ie the graphic emails) then you are wasting your time trying to make the relationship work.

Marriage requires the full commitment of both parties…
It doesn’t appear she is prepared to give that commitment, so as much as I hate to say it, your best option may be to put her and the marriage behind you !!!

2006-09-23 00:20:32 · answer #8 · answered by I_C_Y_U_R 5 · 1 1

I'm really sorry you are feeling this pain. Let me tell you my story.
25 years ago, I married a man. He was the most wonderful husband ever. He told me he loved me. He thought I was wonderful. He treated me like a queen. I was the luckiest woman alive. Only problem was, he belted crap out of me if I did something drastic like brushing past a pot plant he had told me not to touch. Most normal ppl see that as sick.
He made me make love to him after he had whipped me. SICK
Anyway, I've been with another guy,(his best mate( for 10 years now. We were best friends then and still are now. Only problem is he wont commit to me. Claims to love me when pushed. and cries when it gets really bad, but cant commit.
Ok dude. Are you like either of these guys. If not, your wife is a sex maniac and needs multiple partners.
If you and her cant come to an agreement, you need to separate.
I've stayed with mine because of money, but know that one day I will live in poverty, because it will be happier.
Good luck and never ask a question again after I have had 2 glasses of red wine

2006-09-23 00:37:17 · answer #9 · answered by jewel 2 · 0 1

Time is the only thing that can get you past this one. To forgive, we are supposed to do but forgetting something like this will never happen. As time goes on and if she does not wander again it will become easier to deal with. I know this is so hard right now but If you truly love her you must try and deal with the pain and heartbreak and move past this and I know it isn't easy. Just remember that she is with you now and it is slightly better than if she totally left you for that other man you would be feeling far worse. Be strong my friend and win your wife's heart back. Good luck.

2006-09-23 00:22:20 · answer #10 · answered by sharkscue 3 · 1 1

fedest.com, questions and answers