debating to leave or stay?

Question

I am a 25 year old married women who is considering a divorce. My husband and I own a home but have no children, I have been through marriage counseling & counseling on my own. It seems like I have tried it all and nothing seems to work. It's to the point now that my family knows and see the problem. Please advice. Also what would happen to the house???? Confused! I know I am young and I can start over again with someone who can appreciate me more but I still love him. Thanks for the advice.

Answer 1

Whether you want to get a divorce or save your marriage, the action you take now becomes very important. You can either interact in a way that restores love and forwards cooperation or you can interact in a way that creates more pain and suffering. We usually interact in a way that creates more suffering

We have so much hurt and upset, we lose our ability to see clearly. All we can do is fight, resist, hang on or withdraw. This in turn destroys love and fuels the cycle of conflict. This cycle of conflict then brings out the worst in people.

To be most effective in handling your situation, this cycle of conflict needs to end. This is true whether you want to save your marriage or get a divorce. Fortunatly, it only takes one person to end the conflict. The key to healing your relationship, and having it work, is you.

How you relate to the other person determines how that person will relate to you. How you relate to each other determines whether your relationship will be painful or supportive. Once you discover your role in the problem, you can do something about it. Unfortunately, we seldom notice that we have anything to do with what is happening. All we can see is how the other person treats us. We then treat the other person accordingly.

If we receive love and appreciation, we'll give love and appreciation. If we receive criticism and resentment, we'll give criticism and resentment. We treat the other person according to how that person treats us. The problem with this is that the other person is doing exactly the same thing. That person treats you according to how you treat him or her. When you treat each other based on how you get treated, there is no telling what will happen. It's like sailing with no one at the helm. When no one is in charge of the ship, you're likely to end up on the rocks.

Usually it's just a matter of time until someone gets upset. That person then puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks or withdraws. Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing. Then the first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.

Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict -- a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then continues on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the problem. Sides get drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified and distance grows. The experience of love quickly fades away. We hurt each other over and over again, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is done, and none of it is necessary.

Fortunately, two people are required in order to create and maintain this cycle of conflict. Only one person is needed to end it. The cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. As soon as one person stops playing the game, the game is over.

You end the conflict by putting water on the fire instead of more fuel. Put the focus on healing your relationship, not as husband and wife, but as one human being to another. To the extent that you are able to do this, you gain cooperation instead of resentment. Issues get resolved quickly. You become free inside and able to get on with your life. This process of healing your relationship is relatively easy.

Good Luck

Answer 2

You don't really provide many details about what is going wrong in your relationship and why you want to leave, specifically. Is your husband aware of the fact that you're considering ending the marriage? Has he participated in counseling? Is he willing to do so?

Ultimately, only you can decide whether or not to remain in your relationship with your husband. It is much easier to leave if you don't have children in involved... and if you are not happy, and no longer feel like putting any more work into the situation... then perhaps you should try a trial separation first.

Every marriage has it's ups and downs. My father once told me that in a marriage you fall in and out of love with your partner countless times... but it's the ones who stick through the tough times (for better or worse, remember) even when they don't feel "in love" anymore that fall back in love and experience the strongest relationships. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. But marriages take work. I just hope you're not giving up too soon. Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side of the hill.

I wish you the best.

Answer 3

If nothing seems to work and all else has failed
then it may be time for a divorce.I understand you love him but the question is does he treat you right.If not then you will spend a long time being sad,depressed,angry.Leaving would hurt but you will hurt even more if you stay in a situation where you aren't getting what you deserve in a marriage.I cannot say whether or not you will get the house or he will.Honestly
I think the judge gives lets whoever he or she thinks deserves it.It's a great possibility you could get it.But take some time and if you
feel like you are the only one trying then you need to try and move on.

Answer 4

Well for starters, dont worry about the house. That is not a big issue. When u file for divorce do it right dont let it get ugly. You will of course get 50/50 of everything u guys own, so u shouldnt worry. You should do what your heart tells you to do. You will always have that love for him because he is your first husband. That will never go away, he will always have a place in your heart, so that love you say you have for him will fade away but will still remain in your heart! There has to be more to this story i dont think you are considering a divorce for nothing so i cant really tell u what i think so jus remember fallow your heart not your friends...A good man is hard to find...

Answer 5

i dont know wut happened that made u 2 grow apart,u say u have been through marriage counseling and such ,does that mean he was not there, if u 2 think that there is nothing u can 2 and you have no love left for each other than you can't be together, go back to wut made u 2 marry each other!! find out what went wrong, has he cheated on u , or have u cheated on him, if you 2 know wut the problem is and dont see ur selves getting over it, that get a divorce you never know u may fall in love again with each other,,plus why are u worried about ther house, sometimes you can choose to get the house and he keeps the money and other stuff instead, or something like that ur lawyers will take care of that,
and dont worry about finding another men , you say that u love him does he know that!!!, does he love u, if u 2 love each other work ur problem out??talk to each other!!!.

Answer 6

It really depends on what the problem is in the marriage. If it is something you know that cannot be resolved and that it is affecting your life too much to live peacefully with yourself you need to think about what will make you happiest in life. If you are religious give your marriage to God and let Him help you through it. If there is abuse in the marriage and he doesn't stop immediately I suggest you leave. It sounds that you have tried. Don't worry about the house of monetary things. Your happiness should go above all else. The courts will help you decide that.

Answer 7

What happens to the house depends on the state you live in and the decision the court makes. If you both signed the mortgage then one of you will more than likely have to buy the other one out of their part of the house, since you don't have children. Used to be that when a couple had children the house went to the woman in order to raise the children. Since you don't have any children it will probably be split 50/50 and one of you will have to buy the other one out, or you could sell it jointly and each one taking half of the proceeds of the sale after taxes.

Answer 8

Have you tried Praying and giving your Marriage to the LORD?

Since you made your Marriage Vows to the LORD ,( and since it's HIS institution), to Love and Honor each other if you were married in Church, and are Christians, give your marriage to the LORD and tell your Husband that that's what you've done...If he agrees then you both should Pray together and ask the LORD to help you to be the Wife that he will have you be for your Husband in his name, and have your Husband to pray the same to be blessed to be the Husband that the LORD wants him to be for you....a family that prays together obeying the word of the LORD, stays together.

Only if ADULTRY is being committed should there be anticipation of Divorce, if you still love him.

All can be forgiven, but in Life threatening situations, you have to protect and save yourself.

Referencing the House...If you SPLIT, anyway...sell the house and split the proceeds.
If you stay together...ask the LORD to bless and PROTECT your home...invite the Pastor of your church over to bless your house.

Answer 9

Same old same old. If your asking, you know the answer. The house is either in both your names or you probably live in a community property state. One of you will have to buy the other out or sale the place and split the profit. Why is it that so many people out there want to leave someone they profess to still love? I don't get that at all.

Answer 10

Your young, if this is how you feel now, what would it be like in 20 years? Leave this situation. You deserve better. The house will be split unless you agree to a settlement. If he hasnt participated in the counseling, that ought to tell you something right there.