How long is long enough to give up hope on a relationship especially a marriage?

Question

We had a marriage of convinence, sort of. We were friends who got married but he did love me lots even then and I grew to love him too later.. The problem is being a friend he knew of all my past relationships and that has made him very insecure. I couldnt get him past that mental block and couldnt also live with the no trust. I have walked off but I'm missing him like crazy. I tried all possible things right or not to save my marriage including not talking to ANYONE "male or female" putting on weight (that thrilled him, he hates my excersising) had a child all of it... But now with me being a role model for my child a very beautifull daughter , thought it not right for her to see her mum as such a doormat.... He is punishing me by not being in touch with both off us not even his daughter. But we still miss him!!! What do I do ?

Answer 1

There is no time limit for this, it depends on how you perceive yourself and the actual situation (1 hr? if he is abusive... 20 years? if you are wrong and are misidentifing the problem)

By not being in touch, do you mean that he left you?

If so, then it is probably already too late because there would be no opportunity to talk about your problems.
Too bad the two of you didnt get counseling before you got married. (i wish every couple would do that, it would prevent alot of divorce)

If he didnt leave and not being in touch means he doesnt pay attention to you or you daughter, then Counseling would be in order. But only as long as he is willing. you can't force him

Many people think that Love is something that happens to you or that you grow into.
This is not true, Love is something that you decide to do. once you get past the initial flood of hormones
If he thinks he can't trust you then how could he truly love you?
Many times we make the mistake of believing that because we "feel" a certain way that it must be love but that is just our hormones affecting the way we think.
Try asking him to go to a counselor with you and talk about the things that seem to be a wall between you. (Just Don't Push too much)
You can't MAKE someone want to be with you, if you could, that would be taking away their freewill and you would never know if they loved you or not.
You said that it thrilled him when you put on weight and that he hated your exercising.
This sounds to me like he is a control freak and thought that if you were fat that you would be unappealing to other men.
the exercising probably made him think that you were trying to look good so you could go out looking for other men and that is why he has a trust issue.
Maybe it is just Time that you move on with your life. You DO have a child to care for and that is much more important because You brought her into this world. she didn't decide to just show up. Go ahead, you are allowed to be a good mother and set the example for her so that this will not happen to her in the future.
Teach her that not all men are wacko jerks and that she can learn from your experience.
Real men who are secure in themselves actually like strong selfassured women. Be One.

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear what you're going through. You obviously care for your husband and are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Things cannot continue on as they were in the past (for your well-being and the well-being of your child) but you feel hopeless that your husband can move beyond his insecurities.

You cannot make your husband more secure. His self-esteem seems to be pretty low and that is something that only he can change. You've tried to accommodate his feelings of fear and lack of trust... to no avail (and only to your detriment)... and now he is not contacting you.

The best thing that I feel you can do at this time is focus on yourself and your daughter... and hope that he comes around (more wise and mature after the time apart). Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and being an example of a woman your daughter can someday emulate.

I know you must be lonely and confused. It must be very difficult. I hope that things improve for you.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

Please get out of this destructive relationship. Don't waste any more of your life on this man. I'd say first to try everything to make it work, however it sounds like you've done that, ( you don't want guilt and regret down the road).You miss him because it was your "normal" and it was like a habit to have him around. An old saying says, "The hardest thing there is to do is change" Keep that in your mind. Keep a notebook of pros and cons and the steps you need to take to make that change. Look at them often. Start taking those steps, no matter how small.As you see a new life possible and your mind wraps around and accepts the big change, you'll feel better, more confident and able to move ahead. Get counseling if you can. Take care of yourself (this is important) and if you need something like Prozac, don't hesitate to take it.

Answer 4

I don't see that this is your fault ,you seem to have tried every thing ,jealousy is a form of control ,he seems to have striped you of your confidence and made you a door mat .its not healthy and he is using manipulation now by not seeing you or your child,If you hand all the power in a relationship over to one side ,it cant work .your only hope would be to take power back ,let him see that you wont be treated like that any more and the best way to do that is to get a life for your self ,make friends ,get work if you don't have any and that will work for you ,join a mothers group .get out and let him see that. but really this is not a fight you can win without him changing and men don't change easy so still ,get a life without him.

Answer 5

Is it love your feeling or is it companionship? Love to one person is different than another ones love. Or you may love one person in a different way than you love someone else. If the trust is gone, trust me, you'll never get it back. If he doesnt trust you, and you gave him no reason for this, then look at him. Sounds like he is the guilty one and trying to turn it back on you. Men are so good at that. As far as your daughter, she will never be happy with the situation like it is. Try ignoring him, and see if he tries to get you back. If not, leave him, go find love. Its out there.

No time limit, it all depends on how much you can deal with and take the unnecessary punishment.

Answer 6

it's time for the heart to heart talk. explain to him how you feel, if you have not already done so, and let him know how serious you are about wanting to make the marriage work. most of the time this conversation turns into an argument. refuse to argue. ask him how he feels. remember feelings are not right or wrong they just are. it does not sound like you want to give up on the marriage. let him know that mental or physical abuse is unacceptable. let him know that you are prepared to walk out of his life forever unless some changes are made. ask him if he has any changes he wants you to make. life and love are compromises. if you can't find a common ground to rebuild the relationship and you feel that things will not improve it is time to move on. and for what it is worth i don't think you can grow to love someone. you can become fond of them or comfortable with them but it sounds like you started this marriage out with one strike against you. two if the child is not his.

Answer 7

i think you have a very perceptive grasp of what the problems are--you really cant measure time as sufficient to have endured pain in relationship--because the measure is different for all of us and everyones pain thresholds and the reasons we stay together are changing all the time----my advice is that you get some objective advice from a counselor-----they can help you get grounded enough to decide what to do.........its the hardest when there are children involved---but remember even if you 2 do eventually break up------just make sure he has as much contact with the child as he wants-----goodluck

Answer 8

You say that you had been friends for a long time, that he knows about your past. Then you say he can't get past not being able to trust you, because of your past. That isn't love. If he knew of your past and trusted you completely that would be love. But I just don't buy that he loves you when he can't get past the life you led as opposed to the one you have now. I suggest that you look to yourself for your happiness and stop dwelling on a relationship that was doomed to failure.

Answer 9

Marriage without trust is dead in the water. If he can't accept that those relationships were before him there is nothing you can do. Your daughter and you come first. Improve yourself anyway you can, through education, classes. You will be amazed at how your self-esteem will come up. Then you will be able to find someone worthy of you

Answer 10

It depends on the true LOVE, trust,understanding, faith on unity, self determination and the family ties. If any one feels that this is a bonded for a while then maintain the trust on each becomes hard.

If you think you have a family and kids then you both (husband and wife)bound to bring up the family ties. for that you should sacrify your freedom to move around and hanging out. Also you should think positively to concern your own family and not letting any one to move out of the circle.