My husband was recently contacted by an old female friend. He has told me about her. Recently he has been contacting her. They have sent msg here and there. the last msg I read, he said he missed her, hope to talk soon. He has shared everything with me so far, except the msgs he has left. I am very uncomfortable with this. I see through his phone records that he is the one contacting her. I walked in one day and his cell rang, he mumbled something and was off real quick. Later on that night, I checked his phone, and it was her number. Is this ok for a husband to have a female friend or am I being insecure. She lives across country so he is not having a physical affair. It seems he is writing her more often than he is talking to me.
2006-09-22 18:32:14 · 31 answers · asked by sal77 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
no it is not ok. The time hes devoting to her should be time he is spending with you.
2006-09-22 18:36:03 · answer #1 · answered by mommasan 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No I don't think it is right. The behavior you mentioned about how he is contacting her, how he mumbled and got off the phone real quick doesn't sound innocent to me. I know she is across the country but they can fall for eachother over the phone or whatever technology they are using. Even though they aren't having a physical affair because of the distance, there could be an emotional attachment that shouldn't be there. Heck if it gets to the point to where it's deep, either he or she could fly across the way. I am not telling you this to make you paranoid, I am just throwing out possibilities that aren't very far fetched. I know of people who do these kind of things. And if he is writing her more often then what he talks to you that is a huge problem. For your sake I hope everything is innocent but I would put some limits on this situation. Maybe not take away his friend completely but limit the time he is in contact with her. A "Hey" everyone once in a while wouldn't hurt but not how he is doing it.
2006-09-23 02:00:37 · answer #2 · answered by RNRoxy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ok.. hun. Now to answer your question, I think i need to tell you a little of someone I know.
This person was with a friend that I know, and then he was also friendly with another girl. His former college mate.
Though he didnt really know that girl too well in college, this time was no different, only that he was married and she was still the gorgeous babe that she was.
What he did next was something every guy would identify with.
He started flirting with her, messaging her and other non verbal clues. WHY?? To get more attention from his wife. Men always love to be chased, to chase and to still be 'in the game'.
I dont think he really would want to be with her, and he was well aware that his wife was reading all the messages and she was feeling exactly the same things that he wanted her to feel.
Now about your husband..
I think the same theory MAY be applied.
He might be enjoying all the attention that he is getting.
Cross country and long distence relationships are exhilerating..
Try it yourself.
Talk to him, tell him there are a few things that are intruding your space and privacy.
Why dont you give him a dose of his medicine??? You ask a friend or the cashier at Supermarket to give you a call when he is around, and act exactly the same way.
Now if the 'relationship' is entirely plutonic , then i guess you are not giving him the kind of space that he needs. Everyone person needs varying degrees of space over a certain period of time. If you are always jumping onto him, then the problem lies with you intruding his space..
You should kindle the flame in your marriage, and this may be one of his way of saying " Lady, I need some romance back "
How do i know?? Because I was the guy.
2006-09-23 01:36:17 · answer #3 · answered by stillfreezing 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband also has a female friend he keeps in contact with. I am not happy with the situation but like you we live across the country from her and he's known her since college. They talk on the phone and when I see the phone calls it makes me crazy. I've talked to him about it and he says they are only friends and honestly ...I believe him...he's never given me reason to believe otherwise...plus she's very far away so even though Im not happy about his friendship with her at least I know its only phone calls. I know how hard it is but if they are only friends then there is really nothing you can do....talk to him and tell him how you feel. You are his wife and have the right to talk to him about everything ...whether he thinks its an insecurity or not...he's your husband its his obligation to hear you out...
2006-09-23 02:18:03 · answer #4 · answered by JustMe! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think they should be friends.
I had platonic relationships with girls (not sexual) before I got married and it is true that the friendship is real friendship and we put boundaries (which we do not overstep) around the friendship.
If a girl contacts me after a long time or something I do tell my wife. I can see her getting suspicious and non verbally I get to know she is not liking it.
I understand it because it would bother me if it was the other way around.
I have heard too many stories of best friends breaking relationships to be comfortable with this, despite how advanced and modern our thinking is.
Nevertheless, I think you are being quite intrusive with going through his cell phone etc. Obviously he doesnt suspect that you do, and therefore you have a good chance of monitoring the situation. But be careful cos you may lose his trust if he finds out.
2006-09-23 01:43:01 · answer #5 · answered by jimbomediterraneo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hell no! Even if she lives across country, and he is with you, she may be making plans to come his way, that he hasn't told you about. Beware of any sudden out of town trips he has to make! An emotional affair(if that is what you are feeling it's turning into) can be equally as difficult to deal with as a physical one. She is always on his mind, he is having secret talks with her. Your insecurity is warranted. Who wouldn't feel that way? Who knows what kind of influence she may have on him? If he is sneaking around and chit chatting with her, that is already a negative sign. Nevertheless, he is the one that is ultimately responsible for his actions, not the woman. He's the one that should set the boundaries, and understand that this is not a good thing for your relationship. As you said, his time with her is taking away from you. You have a right to be jealous. Trust your "gut". Some men tell themselves that they can handle a situation like this and that it's harmless, but they are playing with fire!
2006-09-23 02:08:32 · answer #6 · answered by macfifty06 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you don't feel comfortable with it let him know in a nice way. As far as you know...she's across country...airplanes make the trip short! She could be around close and you don't know it. I don't mean to put suspicion in your mind heavier but that's the way I think. I've been burned! A lot of feelings can come forth just from writing and talking. That's how Internet affairs start. It could all be innocent, I mean, at least he's sharing with you but I would still stay on the alert. Good luck...Don't be hard on him just in case but try to read between the lines. Don't get burned.
2006-09-23 01:38:32 · answer #7 · answered by buzzbait0u812 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wish there was an easy answer for this question. Personally I believe that once you are in a marriage, friends of the opposite sex should be friends of the family or not at all. It is very easy to become involved with someone even if you have no intention of persuing a romantic relationship. Whatever he shares with her, he should also be able to share with you. Secrecy is never a good sign and it is very suspicious even if she is across the country. You have ever right to be concerned and I believe you should discuss your feeling with your husband. He should be aware that his actions make you feel this way. An open line of communication is vital in any relatonship if it is going to not only last but flourish. Hopefully you are in a relationship where you feel comfortable discussing your concerns with your husband and where your husband takes to heart your feeling and is willing to make you,his spouse, the priority in this situation. Good luck!
2006-09-23 01:48:46 · answer #8 · answered by LC 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to discuss things with your husband and let him know that this bothers you. Talk sensibly though and do not accuse or argue over it. My husband is very outgoing and has many female friends. I just learned that he is the greatest and he is MINE. So just be trustful and be happy and let him have his female friends. As long as it doesn't go any further than that. You cannot take away his memories of his past either or he will resent you. Why don't you become friends with her too? But I do know what you mean. TALK to him about it,and ask him if you can be involved in their friendship too.Good Luck
2006-09-23 01:41:47 · answer #9 · answered by Shortydeb 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Cheating comes in more ways than one. Everyone is different in what is "acceptable" in their marriage, but to me, this sounds like it's bothering you and you deserve to know the truth. It could be that he and that woman used to have a thing for each other but just always stayed friends and now they've re-connected and they're flirting. It's good that he's sharing, but it's bad because he's not sharing it all. That seems like he wants you to believe it's only a friendship because there is more... and if he just hid everything you'd suspect something. I'd confront him about it definitely... i'd probably even call her... but that's just me. Do what you need to do... it could be innocent, but if it's not.. you deserve better.
2006-09-23 02:40:13 · answer #10 · answered by Nicole 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
for a fresh life it is not bad to have a female friend or a male friend .your husband shares you almost every activity. good.post marriage or premarriage relationships are common now a days.but should not deceive each other.i will advice u ask him whether he is easy with you or not. judge yourself also whether you are in love with him or not.if both you are living in frustration & not like each other pls do not cotinue such type of relationship .one more advice, if you do not want to break relationship pls select a sincere faithful person , make him your boyfriend (not serious just casual ,just to give a lession to your husband)& let your husband to know about this.after knowing this he will definitelly attack on you & the moment reveal the fact ,tell him teach him" when you cannot tolerate my boyfriend imagine my dear husband ,how can i tolerate your girlfriend." thankyou
2006-09-23 02:28:34 · answer #11 · answered by kamal k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋