should i give my fella an ultimatum?

Question

i have a 4 week old baby and on saturday night my fiancee went out to celebrate his birthday with his mates, he didn't come home until 2.30pm on sunday, he didnt ring or ext to let me know he wasn't coming in and I laid awake worrying all night, he text me at 7am to say he was crashing at his mates, when he returned home his excuse was that his mate had been arrested for drink driving so he couldnt leave his house as he wouldnt have been able to get in, also he had used drugs which is something we always argue about, so he hadnt wanted to come in and upset me. I feel really upset as i'm not sure i trust him...was he with someone else etc? his story doesnt seem to all add up, i feel i shouldnt be sat in the house looking after his baby while he's staying out all night. can anyone tell me if i'm being unfair, or whether i'm just being a doormat....and either way what sould I do?! sorry to rattle on but i'm so confuzzled. thankies so much. xXx

Answer 1

Dump him. Find someone you can trust and that has less caos in his life.

Answer 2

It sounds as if your fiance could possibly be running away because, either he is scared of the responsibility of a new baby, or it could be that you have been upset and irritable since the baby arrived and he could be running away from you. When a new baby comes into a relationship things can change so dramatically and sometimes we don't even realise how stressed it can make us. I was like that when my son was born but I couldn't see it untill much later, once I had got used to the change. His behaviour though is still very selfish and he should be stronger and stand up to his responsibilities. Also the drug thing isn't ideal for a new baby as you know. I would try sitting him down and asking how he feels about the new situation, and why he is running away from it. If he has no answers and you cannot talk about it then I think you have to give him an unltimatum. If he is not prepared to help you in your time of need then he does not truly love you and you deserve much better. Being on your own with a child can be scary but it is much better than the alternative of living in a loveless relationship. Also being on your own gets easier as time goes by and true love is always just around the corner. Whatever you do, I empathise with your situation and hope you have a happy ending

Answer 3

There is alot to be said and unanswered questions here. I would state my peace with him and have him answer for it. If everything isn't adding up then tell him that you don't believe him and you want to see arrest report of the friend. If it checks out then you don't have much else you can say at this point. He wasn't very curtious about letting you know when he would be in or if he was coming home at all. I would put the shoe on the other foot, you go out and stay out and not call him and see how he likes that. As for the drugs, no it is not good for him to do them, and illegal for him to get and that is bad too. But I feel if you are over bearing on this part he may even do more. Not much of an answer here just my thoughts. Good luck.

Answer 4

You never stated whether this was just the one time behaviour
Before you go dumping him You should sit down and talk to him get a baby sitter or something and have a talk
Tell him his behaviour upset you and you expected more from him than that and see his reaction Dont Yell and make him become defensive bcs you will gain nothing
Maybe he just wanted to GET AWAY from home for a bit and get some sleep or just get out with his friends like he was in the old days. Im sure you will also need a break aswell at some point
What you need to assess is if your relationshiip as a whole is working
are you being supported emotionally mentall y physically?
Is he taking turns~ Are his mates trying to get him to gout with them every five minutes?
Ask him what he expects from you at this point NOTWHAT he wants from you
Use your questions in a way where it will not get his back up the talk needs to be productive
You are very vulnerable right now and so is baby ITs a long hard road sweets but you got to be strongxxx

Answer 5

This is not normally my line in advice regarding men staying out etc.....but in my opinion, you should give him the benefit of the doubt in this occassion. (Its almost sticking in my throat to say it!!! Believe me!)

Let him know (calmly and kindly), that you were worried, and felt he should have behaved more responsively, given the fact that he is a father now. Don't lose your rag....you'll lose respect, and he'll put it down to "hormones"!

It is very early days, and men (in their often pathetic way - sorry blokes!), find fatherhood difficult to cope with in the first weeks after the birth. He may be struggling to cope with the responsibility, getting older, change in life etc. Tell him you have let him off the hook this once as an extra Birthday gift.

However, if that attitude continues after this event, you shouldn't play the doormat. Then is the time to show your dissapproval. Give 1 ultimatum only. And only if you are truly willing to carry it through....otherwise he will never believe you again. If he doesn't buckle down and learn to be a family man then get rid. You don't need to be living with an "eternal teenager" when you should be expecting a family man to come home and support you and your child.

I know so many women who have had one baby, only to discover they are having to deal with an "eternal teenager" too. It is sad, frustrating and draining. And no good for the child.

Let him off this once. Let him know how you feel. And monitor the situation.

Above all.....enjoy being a mother, and enjoy your child.

Good luck, I'm sure it will all be ok in the end.

Answer 6

Is this something he does a lot? Go out with his buddies and booze/get high whatever? If so, hate to say it but he'll probably keep doing it. And he probably also has a drinking/drug problem to address then, too. You don't want that going on. Both of you will end up getting hurt, stomped on, used as a doormat, lied to, and he could even put one or both of your lives in physical danger at one point. Not good. However.. if that is not the case (and I hope it is not!), read on....

If its not a regular occurrence, I wouldn't assume the worst. I've been pretty messed up myself a few times and forgot to call or text someone. But I don't make a habit of it. It shows disrespect to the person who was waiting to hear from you. If he doesn't make a habit of it, you shouldn't fly off the handle at him but you should at least let him know that his actions (or lack thereof) upset you and showed disrespect to you and the baby. Let him know that you will not tolerate this happening because you're not someone he can just stomp all over and take advantage of. Remind him that, as his fiancee, you deserve to be treated with respect and if this happens again, that you will see that as even more disrespectful, and that you will remove him from your life and the baby's life. Give him ONE extra chance... that's IT. And he should then feel lucky. After that discussion, don't keep making him feel bad about it or whatever, especially if he apologizes and sincerely means it. He knows what he did wrong and he has been warned of the consequences that will take place should he do this to you again. At the same time, when you ARE having the discussion, don't back down. Don't downplay to him how you feel. He needs to know that he worried you and that what he did made you feel disrespected and unimportant.. because it did and you know it. And that is not how you should be made to feel by the one that supposedly loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. End of story. Hope I helped. Good luck sweetie.

Oh, one more thing -- sounds like you have some trust issues to address. If he says that you don't trust him, etc., say, "I'd like to think that you're out doing the right thing ALL the time and not worry that something is wrong or something happened or you're doing something behind my back.. but when you don't call for hours and leaving me at home worrying, and then you crash your drunk buddy's house supposedly at 7 a.m.... its kind of hard to trust someone after being treated like that. By your actions, you left the door wide open for me to think the worst."

Answer 7

I think it's pretty bad he didn't even call to let you know where he was or what was going on. He didn't even call to check up on his baby. If you don't like his drug use then i say give him the ultimatum but be prepared if his answer isn't what you want to hear. You have to stick to leaving him or he just will keep walking all over you, probably even more. Do what's right for you and your child.

Answer 8

Been there done that girl. Let him go now before the situation gets out of hand. He sounds like he's irresponsible and you don't need two kids to take care of. Drugs are a ulitmate no no if he's doing these things now what type of father is he going to be once the child gets older. Think about it

Answer 9

An ultimatum sounds like something you need to do. If he can't own up to his responsibility to you and your child then you need to act quick and leave him.

Answer 10

Well you have a prat of a partner his mates come first before his child. well I'm sorry its time to sit him down and have it out with him.if you don't you will always be a door mate.and that excuse about his mate that's bull crap.sort him out now before its to late good Luke

Answer 11

i dont think you are being unfair at all,it is hard when you first have a baby and he should of come home.he may be telling the truth so the more you ask him the more annoyed he will get but then if you dont ask then you are always going to have these doubts,you said you dont know if you trust him,does he do this alot if so i believe you have every reason to disbelieve him if not then just take each day as it comes and you will learn to trust him.i wish you luck and congratulations on your baby x