poem 2 please feel free to tell me what you think?

Question

We
If i were yours and you were mine do you think we would talk in rhyme
Your thoughts and feelings hopes and fears would be mine to keep for all the years
We would be true to you and me ,from now until eternity
Blessed be our every breathe,
As one we stand against the rest
So cuddle up to me at night
Let our love glow and shine through the darkest night.

Answer 1

you have wonderful potential just try and keep to the same sort of rhythm other then that beautiful

Answer 2

Interesting thoughts, but (imho) not very good poetry.

You start with "We", the title. "We" is a pronoun - We what? "We" also refers to a collective body (we are going to chat on yahoo). I would have suggested, in the context of your poem, "Us".
If you had said:

We
Love each other, care for each other, etc., etc.

It would have made more sense.

Then you ask, "do you think we would talk in rhyme" Apart from the fact that a question mark is missing, we would probably say, Er.... no. Why should we?

That said, the line, "Your thoughts and feelings, [comma] hopes and fears would be mine to keep for all the years" is, I think, really nice. But for metrical flow, I'd have taken out "to keep", thus:

"Your thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears, would be mine for all the years."

The next line, "We would be true to you and me, from now until eternity" doesn't, imho, really work, but the idea is again really nice. "To you and me" is the problem, forced to rhyme with "eternity". I'd suggest (keeping "eternity"):-

I'd be true to you, and you to me, from now until eternity.

Next line: "breathe" should be "breath", in which case it's a beautiful line:

"Blessed be our every breath." (Really, a beautiful line.)

Next: "As one we stand against the rest" - doesn't really work, trying to rhyme with "breath". Perhaps "less" would be better, as in:

The rest will always be the less.

"So cuddle up to me at night" is terribly twee, especially as you have "night" again as its rhyme in the last line. How about:

So love me now throughout the night

as the penultimate line, and

Our love will shine with glorious light

as the last line. Thus, trying to gather my thoughts:-

Us.

If I were yours and you were mine,
I'd love you till the end of time.
Your thoughts and feelings, loves and fears,
Would then be mine for all the years.
I'd love you so, and you'd love me,
From now until eternity.
Blessed be our every breath -
The rest will always be the less.
So love me now, throughout the night,
Our love will glow with heaven's light.

Answer 3

It has very nice rythym and a good idea behind it, though there are a few rough patches. Otherwise, though, very good!

For one thing, the title is a little plain and predictable. Try something more poetic, something memorable.

Also, breathe is a verb. Breath would be correct.

Other than this, great!

Answer 4

It'd be really good on a greetings card. Although 'breathe' in line 4 is actually spelled 'breath'.

Answer 5

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.

This is not poetry, I'm really sorry, but this is atrocious.

Answer 6

Not bad, could be good but you need to work on it a little yet.

Answer 7

Nice, but you might wannaedit it a bit, like add more

Answer 8

I think it is great, keeping writing them.

Answer 9

Totally cool! I write poems too! Look out for my question, its under arts and humanities>Books and authors. Please read it!

Answer 10

thats great