Married and Frustrated, what should I do? (serious answers only please)?

Question

My wife and I have been married 16 ½ years. We have 3 GREAT kids that I love. But there is a BIG problem (for me anyway) in the bedroom.
Without getting to graphic, things only happen in the bedroom maybe 1 or 2 times a month and have been that way since shortly after we got married. She is extremely conservative, I always want to try new things. She wont wear a teddy for me and I haven’t seen her naked in a long time.
I have talked to her (Many times) We have gone on romantic get always and dinners, flowers, doing things for her around the house, marriage counseling and she has done some other counseling also. You name it I have tried it. Things get better for a week or two but then goes back to the same thing. She wasn’t like this when we were dating.
I don’t think she is having an affair. It is becoming more and more of a problem for me to stay faithful.
But I really don’t want to get a divorce or leave my kids.
Am I just out of luck? Is this normal?

Answer 1

It is normal. Having an affair is not going to fix it. Different people have different sex drives. You can't make her body function differently. Are you helping her at all, or is she responsible for everything and too tired to think at the end of the day?

Answer 2

First of all, let me say that I appreciate how difficult it was for you to ask this question.
To me, it seems like you have tried to do everything that you know possible to reach a more balanced place as far as your sexual relationship is concerned.
Here are some other things to consider: Does she work inside or outside the home? Do you share family responsibilities equally? Do you treat her with kindness and respect? Do you let her know that you find her attractive without hinting at sex? Are you supportive and encouraging in areas of her life that she's interested in? Do you let her know every day just how very important she is to you and grateful you are that she's your wife? Does your treatment of her - romantically/helping out/talking & listening stay the same regardless if you are having sex or not? In other words, the things you mentioned...do you still keep doing them even if sex isn't the result?
It is interesting that she's been this way since shortly after your marriage started. Did something happen in your relationship then that perhaps still needs to be addressed?
As a woman, it seems to me that there is definitely something bothering her. And perhaps it's a combination of two things: 1. there is something she is having a hard time with about herself, and 2. she feels pressured by you to have sex - even though you may be trying not to pressure her. She may feel your gestures aren't being done out of love for her but in expectation of having sex.
I hope that things get better for you. While this is a problem in your marriage, it does sound like you've married a great woman, have a great family, and it would be a shame to lose it for a moment of temporary pleasure. Although I do realize that what you are going through isn't great for you as well. I really, really do. But please keep trying to find a solution for the sake of your marriage vows and your children.
Best wishes.

Answer 3

This is one of the most difficult issues when it comes to marriage. The differing of sex drives between spouses can end up making both people miserable. And honestly, there isn't an easy answer. If she has some past issue, maybe sexual abuse, it would help her to get intensive therapy for that issue, but if she just has a lower sex drive, there isn't much that can be changed. However, it might be possible to come to an agreement that might be acceptable for the both of you. First off, are her emotional needs being met? Is she satisfied in the marriage? If she is, and she isn't, those problems need to be addressed first. If she is satisfied and just suffering from a low labido, you can suggest having sex once a week, during a specific day of the week, just to see how it is. Like a schedule. I've read studies that say the more women have sex, the more they want it. It also will take the pressure of sex and thinking of sex off of her to have it planned out. Many people object to this because they say it is not sporadic, but the goal is to get her comfortable with sex again on a more regular basis and hopefully spark her desire for sex again. There are also supplements out there that many women have found success with, including Fematril, Femtrex, Avlimil, and many others. You also need to be very blunt, that this need is not being met and that you both need to actually try at this. This needs to be stressed to her because this could end your marriage.

I wish you the best of luck! It's a delicate topic without many easy answers, and it won't work if she doesn't want to change.

Answer 4

Well, I hate to tell you this happens in a lot of marriages. I believe women just don't want to put out the energy to do things to make it better, it is hard on her being a women she feels she is raising the children, she is doing homework, she she she... AND I am a woman so I can say that! I believe you have tried things that you feel is the best, but to her it is not. I am not sure what else you can try because if you have done counseling then you have wanted to make it work. Have you told her that this is important to you, i know some people will be like duh.. But trust me if you go to her when you are not wanting to do something at that time, and tell her that it is really important and you really love her, but to consider you. It may help. Why us women do this I don't know, but I have a hard time telling a man what I truly want.
So good luck. And try hard to be faithful, because that will just make her loose it if she was to find that out.

Answer 5

As a woman, I understand. It's hard to see people telling you to grow up. I am in similar situation and people don't understand how stessful and frustrating a lack of sex can be. It puts a constant thought in your mind that something is wrong with you or that you have needs not being met. You can't give up on the marriage, though. And, an affair isn't the answer either. Maybe, there is some other answer to allow you to get some sexual satisfaction like a realdoll ( http://www.realdoll.com/ )or something. Or maybe she would be willing to try something to increase her libido. Has she asked her doctor? Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

Do you love your wife? if so and she knows theres a problem and you said she does then you just might have to accept it thats the way shes gonna be like. Having an affair will only make you feel bad and still things wont change between you and the wife unless she finds out about it. She probably would divorce you! You could try to make her reminding her your the Man of the house and when it all boils down to it your the Boss and she must do as you ask. Works for me anyway, thankfuly my spouse doesn't excert his "power" very often .

Answer 7

It sounds rather common. Normal, maybe not.
You can always opt to get your needs fulfilled elsewhere, but prepare for the possible end to your marriage, because even if she doesn't find out, you won't be able to look at her the same ever again.

They have some viagra type drugs out there for women. They say they work. On the other hand my wife had a heart attack after trying them awhile. Don't know if it was related.

But I know how that frustration truely sucks.

Rock and a hard place.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Sounds like your wife is stuck in a routine, of sorts. Have you talked to her that openly before. Have you laid it on the line:
Honey I am a man I have certain need, they are not being fulfilled. I love you and want to do these things with you, but since you are not open to that my mind is wondering to other places. I am wondering if I can stay faithful since this has been going on so long. If that doesn't open her eyes I really don't know what will. you should be able to speak to your wife of 16 years in such a manner. Just ask her in the privacy of your bedroom, with out what she might consider a judge mental councilor around.

hope this helps, sorry to hear about your trouble, life is never perfect you have to take the good with the bad. Please remember that before you do anything rash

Answer 9

How old are you guys? is it possible she has gone through the change of life. well no because you said she has been like this since you were married.. but as i was saying if she has gone throught he change. the loss of sexual appetite goes with it.. I can say myself having gone through it i don't want sex anymore but my husband gets it once a week.
be faithful. she has a problem somewhere maybe she needs some hormones or something to get her back going again..
has she been to the doctor..
counciling was a good idea sometimes it helps. but you say it only last for a couple of weeks. so there is something else bothering her..
sit and talk that is all i can say to do. get her a doctors appointment to see if she is lacking something..
your guess on this is as good as mine.
good luck

Answer 10

your doing all the right things...counseling, trying to work it out...it sounds like she just isn't into sex...I would ask her to talk to her doctor as there are new drugs that help woman who have low lobidos...may be a problem if she is too shy or "conservative" as you say...I would also continue on the "counseling" route...the fact you haven't seen her naked in a long time and she is reluctant to try new things sounds to me like there are esteem / sexuality issues...adultry is not the answer and for the sake of your kids, divorce shouldn't even be an option...your wife needs help...do the right thing...good luck.

Answer 11

In your case I would recommend marriage counseling; either get her to go or go by yourself.

Tell your wife that being conservative is one thing, but fearing or hating sex is a sign of a deeper emotional problem. Tell her directly that your straying is too steep a price to pay to have a fulfilled life.

If she loves you, she will help meet you halfway in the bedroom; if she needs counseling to address an emotional obstacle to sex, she'll get it. If she just doesn't love you any more, she'll be willing to deal with you taking a lover on the side.