Shall I give my boyfriend an ultimatum?

Question

i have a 4 week old baby and on saturday night my fiancee went out to celebrate his birthday with his mates, he didn't come home until 2.30pm on sunday, he didnt ring or ext to let me know he wasn't coming in and I laid awake worrying all night, he text me at 7am to say he was crashing at his mates, when he returned home his excuse was that his mate had been arrested for drink driving so he couldnt leave his house as he wouldnt have been able to get in, also he had used drugs which is something we always argue about, so he hadnt wanted to come in and upset me. I feel really upset as i'm not sure i trust him...was he with someone else etc? his story doesnt seem to all add up, i feel i shouldnt be sat in the house looking after his baby while he's staying out all night. can anyone tell me if i'm being unfair, or whether i'm just being a doormat....and either way what dhould I do?! sorry to rattle on but i'm so confuzzled. thankies so much. xXx

Answer 1

Talk to him and tell him to grow up. He is a father now and needs to act responsibly

Answer 2

Has he always done this kind of thing? If so, don't expect him to change when he's married, if having a baby didn't have any effect on him.
If he hasn't done this before (or not much), it may be that he's a little afraid, thinking his carefree life is over (or soon will be), since he already has a baby and is going to be married.
The thing is, having just given birth only 4 weeks ago, your body and the chemicals running through it are not quite settled, and you're more tired and tense than you've ever been. Babies are wonderful to have around, but they drain you, no 2 ways about it.
You probably don't feel too beautiful or sexy right now, and probably haven't for a while, so it's natural for you to think he'd cheat if he had the chance. Add that to the fatigue and tension and it's amazing you can carry on an adult conversation, huh?
Anyhow, he's under some stress, too. New baby, girlfriend not herself because of her own ordeal, interrupted sleep, plus the regular day-to-day pressures of life. And, on top of that, he's probably getting a lot of grief from his friends, a la "No more partying for you, Family Man, you've got a real ball-and-chain now, a wife and a kid, man your life is over, no more freedom, you're finished, you'll do as you're told now, she's in charge of your life, etc. etc."
So, maybe he had to show the guys he's still a man. So what?
Did he come home? Did he say he was faithful?
It might not hurt to remind him that, after all, he's a dad now, and he can't be taking chances with his life by getting into a car driven by a drunk. His child needs him, and loves him, and is going to want him safe, and so do you, so he should be considerate of the needs of others now. And in that vein, it wouldn't hurt him to let you know that he's OK. Not that he has to "check in" like with his mom, but to let his best friend know he's OK and she doesn't have to worry.
And let him know that, yes, you'd be upset with him for using drugs, but at least you'd know he was unhurt.

Answer 3

I completely understand where you are comming from, i went throught he same thing, its horrible staying up all night not be able to sleep and having an anxiety and all these thoughts entering your head about where your man is and what he is doing, my man was the complete same, but he used to do it atleast twice a week and on a few occasions never came back or called me 4 days in a row, so i left him, because the relationship went to such a stage that I started hateing him, every time he dissapeared on me i went through these powerfull emotions hate anger, fustration, and it got worser every time I called him and got no response, please give him an ultimatum at the end of the day the baby is 4 weeks old he should be spending his birthday with you and the baby not else where, stop it before you get stuck like I was!!!!! I no its really hard but tat the end of the day if this continues it will change you and will stop you from bringing up you lil one happily, I have a 3 yr old child as well. stay strong dont worry, if you want to talk you can mail me on [e-mail] be brave and strong, you make sure you tell him what you expect in your relationship.

Answer 4

I have a 15 week old baby + if my lad did that i would b thinking exactley the same. it is so easy to pick up a fone + ring, he didnt, he didnt rush back in the morning either. instead of thinking about his mate been able to get in the house(?) he should of been thinking about you. he would probably b thinking the same if u did it, so give him a taste of his own medicine. personally if it was my lad + i had any doubt in my mind he had cheated he would b gone. is there not a way u could verify if what hes said is true? sounds awful but if it puts ur mind at rest i would cos im sure if it was the other way round he wouldnt b happy. its an awful feeling when u think your other half may have cheated especially when u have a young baby to tend to + your all over emotionally.

Answer 5

Thats my brother in law,now been served with dicource papers after years of this. He isnt a bachelor,he's a married father. Going out is fine but not all night like that or even half as late and to not call until your eating pancakes and eggs? He dosent have consideration for his commitment to you. Give him the ultimatum if this was the only time. But one more time (or if this isnt the first),set him free. It easier to raise a baby alone than with added bull.

Answer 6

Tell him he now has responsibilities .I did the same when i was a dad at 22 still acted like a single guy but luckily a friend told me to sort my life out with the wife and son or lose them .

What a great mate and now married 23 years with 3 lovely teenagers .Wife and kids should always come 1st

Answer 7

Are you a babysitter or a girlfriend. He does not respect you & is only concerned with himself. Don't give him an ultimatum just leave. You don't need to be torn down with him & the drugs or whatever else is going on. If he was at his friend's house I'm sure there was a phone. He's a dog girly.

Answer 8

Girl he's being selfish you should share looking after the baby so he should give you a break. I think you need to talk to him about this and girl if he doesn't listen he's not worth it. If a guy cant make time for you and the baby or even to give you a break then he's not worth being with. Hopefully for your and the baby's sake he will listen an either be honest bout what he was upto or he will give you a break?

Good luck i hope it all works out for yours and the babys sake.....

Answer 9

actually these all things u should have look before born the baby.. but now as of ur message u shouldn,t blive or confuse i think its not right istly the main thing u should have to keep his mind all on u and baby becuase this time the main importance is to growing baby and have to give yr baby a good and nice future. and mst have to find out if yr hus had some outside realtions with others then try to solve it with full of yr mind yr attension with anger noting can u got instead to be alone.. but leavin u alone with a 4 weeks baby thats bad,u should this time try to keep pressure on yr hus to look after u&baby,its not yr fault that yr unfair with him sumtimes its jst called misunderstanding and sumwht but nothing is impossible u should try yr best everything can happens after all a woman can wins the men heart so do yr best..but if then too hez jst reacting lke same then u should no better wht should u have to do for yrself and for yr baby..

Answer 10

You have every right to be angry and even question his motives. But the simple truth is that unless you have proof you can't really accuse him of anything. If you trust your man then trust him until you get proof, but on the flip side - if I were you I would tell him that I am going out with my girls one night and leave the baby with him. You didn't make that baby on your own so why should you be the only one taking care of it.

Answer 11

You both agreed to raise this child, whether he likes it or not. Call his parents, bring the baby over, and ask his parents for advice as to how to deal with this. Emphasize that their grandchild is not getting proper care, and that their grandchild's well-being is hurt by this behavior.

If parents don't care, then put the squeeze on him. Get a lawyer. Force him to be a dad, or put the baby up for adoption. That's his choice, your choice together.

It's not about his comfort, or even your comfort anymore. That baby deserves two loving parents, and right now it's suffering because it only has one parent.