My husband of 17 years treats me badly and I don't know how to fix this.?

Question

Well,this has been going on for a bit,but recently got worse.He asked for a divorce 4 years ago - I said if he could honestly say he didn't love me,I would give him the divorce.We're still married,so I assume he loves me.He decided that our family needed a change so we moved to another state 2 yrs. ago.I support him.Within the past 2 yrs. he has put alot of energy into another person(female)over 600 miles away("business associate"),I have confronted him about it, to no avail.Now eveything has become very one worded with him and private.Regardless,I am, trying very hard to make this marriage last(better,worse...) by putting my energy into our marriage.I ask him about his day to see if he is still stressed out(cause of his withdrawal)but tells me now he tries to leave work at work.I get close, he pulls away.This does hurt me and I cry and try to ignore "it".If he HATES me(by the way he hurts me,pulling away)why is he still here?How can I help him refocus on us,our what was friendship;me?

I know I can't change anyone, but I want to help him focus.I have helped him in the past,been his "rock" and helped him see the "right way". He is so "distant" and hurtful. Despite the hurt,I am focused on solutions.He doesn't want to talk.Just maybe, I don't understand why he chooses to hurt the one person who loves him unconditionally, is committed to our marriage. I want a solution. I want to fix this.

I have tried being "independent" and it hasn't affected him.I have tried things with him, without him and yes, I beleive I am having a self pity party. I suppose some days are better than others and others worse than I can bear alone. I thank you all for your serious input and I appreciate this very much. I will learn to deal with this, be my own person and move forward with strength.

Sxybrwneyd, you have had the best input and undertsanding into my own mind. Gosh! It's like you knew what I was thinking (not enough space on here for too many details)and you answered accordingly. I hope I can find that strength and courage, not lose sight - and stay strong.

Perhaps he is treating me terribly because he doesn't want to face a decision of leaving a marriage (questions and doubts and did I do the right thing), BUT wants me to leave - make me the "bad" one who left. Mostly people here have said for me to leave. Any thoughts? Is he playing a "game" so I hurt so badly I pick up and leave?

Answer 1

Ok, he's still there, so something is keeping him there, even if he is treating u like dirt in the process.. .. and by him treating u this way, ur going insane urself and becoming miserable..

Im guessing after 17 years that u have children together.. what do u do when ur child throw a temper tantrum.. gets angry and says "I HATE YOU".. or that they dont want to talk to u .. do u go begging for their attention to where they keep up the same routine when they dont get their way.. or do u ignore it.. and act as if u could careless.. so they think hummm this tactic isnt working..

Unfortunately your husband is actting like a spoiled brat throwing tantrums to get your attention.. his ego is loving u being on the begging end and him on the denying end.. if he wanted this girl thats 600 miles away he'd leave already.. but something is holding him back.. it could be love, could be guilt, could be fear.. dunno.. but why should u have to fix his lack of being a "real" man.. real men dont treat their wives this way..

Hun, its time that u mustered up some courage, and started doing for you, if he wants to live like roomates, show him what living like roomates is all about.. dont go vying for his affection and time, i know u want it, but all its doing is empowering him to treat u this way.. and its getting u no where right? so change ur tactic.. start giving him the cold shoulder, go do something for yourself.. start.. dressing with more confidence in urself.. go buy some sexy bra's and panties.. doesnt mean someone has to see them on u, but it always makes us feel sexier and more confident wearing them.. we know they are there.. go get ur hair done , ur nails done, go take a class at the college, something ur interested in, or get a hobby, or just go have routine lunches or something with the girls.. and stop taking care of him.. stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, hell stop sleeping with him.. 1. of 2 things is going to happen.. hes going to realize that he doesnt want to be in this marriage and actually stop being half way in this marriage, but hun, he's already left u at this point hes just dangling his feet.. or 2. he's going to wonder why the sudden change in you, and suddenly u have the power and he doesnt, cause if he wants to live like roomates, then why are u still actting like his wife???????? and when he breaks down and questions it.. u let him know as soon as he wants to be your husband again, u'll start being his wife again..

Either way .. u become happier, more confident in yourself, but doing things that are for you.. doesnt mean u have to breach ur marriage.. but u become the woman u once were, someone that wasnt just a mother, and wife, someone that was strong, confident.. and enjoyed life.. and trust me, if he leaves.. theres nothing u could of done to hold him there.. its something he has to find in himself.. to "want" to be there.. so its better him leave u when ur feeling like u can conquer the world.. then for u to be crying into ur pillow at night.. feeling the world just collapsed around u.. BUT your confidence and the new improved u could also catch his attention, and make him realize what he almost gave up..

So stop crying over a man thats treating u like crap.. start protecting urself, ur own psyche.. start living a life with out him, with him, and maybe just maybe, he'll come around, and if not. trust me, other men will notice ur sudden confidence, i know thats not what u want.. but if he's heading out the door.. u pulling on the rope to keep him there, is only going to make him want to leave more, or just guilt him into staying and if ur marriage is going to survive another 17 years he needs to "WANT" to be in this marriage..

Good luck and be strong.. no one likes to be on the rejected end.. so flip the switch.. and show him ur time of being on the begging end is over....

Tough love, sometimes u just have to be tough to light the fire under someones butt that u love..

Answer 2

I left a relationship of 10 yrs and didn't look back. I gave this person a yr apart from me so he could get himself together. During this year I was doing the same. I started attending classes at the local college and did things that made me happy.He asked for a divorce before right. He couldn't say that he didn't love you because hr does you can love a person and not be in love with that person. He didn't want to be confronted with hurting you.Why would you assume he still love you? Love is something that doesn't have to be questioned. Now if you are putting energy into the marriage and he is putting his somewhere else what does that say? You are the one that making yourself unhappy.I know its easy for someone to say move on believe me I heard it before and didnt want to hear it. I just wanted someone to tell me that things would be OK and he would come around. I listened to these false hopes. I picked myself up and left him. Oh he cried when he realized I wasn't coming back this time. I couldn't I loved myself more. I couldn't allow my kids to continue to see me unhappy. I had to leave for them also. Today I am happy about my life. I have a new career and a new man in my life.

Answer 3

Sounds as though you have suspicions on this other woman he is doing business with. You might want to hire an investigator or have someone he does not know that well follow him and see what is going on. If you believe something is wrong with him and this other woman usually your instincts are right. It sounds as though he is not playing the part of being the husband he might just like the lifestyle of someone cooking,cleaning, and doing his laundry. You need to look at your happiness and that is very important. Saving a marriage is a good thing but if he is not up to it then do not waste any of your precious time on him. Focus on yourself and I bet you will find happiness coming your way. You are the one who has to make the decision on whether you leave or not.

Answer 4

I believe that your husband is not in your relationship. You are having a relationship with a shell. Therefore, you must decide what you want out of a relationship. If he cannot meet that then it is time to leave. Just because you love someone does not mean that they are good for you. You will be just fine without your shell. Most likely you will eventually be much better without the weight of him. I do believe that marriage is till death do us part, but it seems that your husband has died emotionally in your relationship and it is time to move on. Peace and many blessings to you darling! All will get better if you love yourself enough!

Answer 5

The question is why are YOU still there??? Let me get this straight. You are the financial support? You are the one bringing in most of the pay check? He has more time and is courting a business associate? Wow, sweetie, am I missing something here? In a word, you are the "jerk in reserve", his financial pillow. Why would he answer any of your questions? He has it both ways --- some one to support him and someone on the side --- aaahhhh a perfect man's world. He just never has to talk to you, and you stick around... Like it??? then shut the hell up and stay. Don't like it? sue for divorce and find yourself someone worth your time. You're getting used. Does he love you? Hell no..... he loves what you provide. Wake up, sweetie, unless you like being the door mat.....

Answer 6

if you are the only one trying then it isn't going to work out. i went through this too with my ex. and he was always private about everything, then came the "you always ***** all the time" i could go 3 weeks without bitching about anything and i mean anything and it didn't matter. he was having relations with other women and drinking. no amount of kindness, sex, begging, tears or ignoring would bring him around. finally he started drinking on top of it and he would actually pick fights with me and then blame them on me all the time. one night i remember so vividly so this day 10 years later was when he was sleeping after being out all night with his so called female friends and he was drunk, we didn't fight or anything that night, i remember watching him sleep and thinking to myself i could kill him now and he wouldn't even know it. (he was so verbally abusive when he was drinking) it scared me so badly that i went for a 4 hour drive to no where to calm down afterwards i went back and when i got home he was up and being all nice or should i say not talking to me or anything but not being abusive and i went to the bathroom when i was done i went to leave the bathroom and noticed myself in the mirror as i was leaving... do you know what i saw? i saw my mother and how see still to that day put up with the same thing and it made me feel so badly. at that time i realized it wasn't me with all the problems it was him and he was trying to bring me down, so much so that it would make him feel good. i just left, that all i could do for me.... now he is married to one of my best friends whom i haven't spoke too for almost 8 years as she thinks i am trying to this day to get him back... now what does that sound like to you? i will tell you he is doing it too her to and she doesn't realize it yet. you can't change someone that can't be changed so matter how much you want too. my advice to you is too leave for a little while 2 weeks, 1 month what ever it takes, don't call him during that time, see how long it takes him to call you, if he does suggest a marriage councelor, if he doesn't well then you know what you have to do, get a lawyer.

Answer 7

I think it is about time you both really sat down and figured out if the marriage is what you want. There could be numerous reasons for his actions. Have you tried to spend time doing new things together. The main thing for you to do is decide if you can live this way or not - you can not change other people only yourself.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, it takes two to work on a marriage. Unless he is willing to work with you and improve the relationship, there is nothing that can be done. He has to want to change no matter how hard you try to change him. Either marital or individual counseling can help at this stage figure out where to head next.

Answer 9

He's there because he is too lazy to leave you. You're co-dependant. leave him before there's nothing left to you but a shell of a woman. I've seen it happen to friends.

He will not re-focus, not until he recognizes the folly of his actions. You're better off without him, as your own person. For better or worse - the worse part shouldn't have you crying and shouldn't last 17 years.

Good luck

Answer 10

Why you are the one who has to suffer? If you husband goes to another woman he won't come back to you no matter what you do:( sorry hon, he doesn't hate you, just looks like he has no more feelings for you, you have two choices to divorce or to wait and hope that your husband will get over that other woman, or find a way to get rid of that other woman

Answer 11

Honey, he's got the best of both worlds. He gets to act like an *** AND he has someone who is busting her butt to put up with it some more.
That is not love he has for you. He is using you. He hurts you and uses that hurt to pin you down and wipe his feet on you some more. That is abuse. Even without bruises or gun wounds, hurtful behavior is abuse and you do not have to put up with it.
Stop wasting energy to fix something that is harmful to you. Focus on fixing yourself. He will not change for you. Abusers seldom do even with counseling. Do you want to spend the rest of your life as his toilet?
Don't worry about hurting HIS feelings. I have a feeling his "business associate" will be there for him.
It's time for you to build a life for yourself.