and the first and third ( actually I call his last relationship a marriage, they lived together about 2 years and had twin girls, and they seen each other off and on for another 2 years, but are not seeing each other now) marriages ended because of emotional & physical abuse. I've been dating THIS man whose 44 and he's really good to me and my two sons, he says he can't stand his last ex and doesn't have anything to do with her except situations dealing with the twins. We see each other just about every nite and he's great with my sons, he just doesn't seem to be the kind of man who would mistreat anyone. He's doesn't seem like he has a mean bone in his body....I am falling in love with him and maybe people can change (if all of this is true) if the right woman comes into his life... I really could use some advice on my situation...
2006-09-22 06:08:44 · 29 answers · asked by lettbug 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
What kind of advice would you give your best girlfriend if she was in this same situation? I ask that because you have to seperate your emotional side from the objective and rational. Sure things are great now, they usually are during the initial phases of a relationship, but you do have to ask yourself, why ALL 3 marriages failed. You've already mentioned physical/emotional abuse. Wow, these are huge factors which are SO against you. Also we never know the full story about prior relationships, only what a person wants to share with us; their views.
Trust me when I say this because I'm not attacking you, but why would you think YOU are going to change him, what special attribute, or trait do you have that the other women didn't.. I do think you love this person, and if he is good now,, enjoy it. I just wouldn't rush into marriage, what is the hurry anyway? Two years isn't that long, and the more time you have, perhaps you can see beyond the rose colored glasses. I wish you luck on this one,,
2006-09-22 06:27:09 · answer #1 · answered by Manatee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't say how you found out his marriages ended because of emotional and physical abuse. Was HE the one causing this abuse or was the x doing it to him? If he was the one doing all this then I'd get out now. Anyone can act like the most angelic person when they're in the "honeymoon" stage. He can be the most wonderful man you've ever met on earth!! Be cautious, look for the "red flags" in your relationship - cuz I'm sure there's been some, watch and listen to him with open eyes and ears, don't put the blindfold on because you think he's a great guy. There's reasons why those relationships didn't work. A BIG one.
My husband and I were both married twice before. I lucked out with him becuz our families all live in the same area, know one another, I graduated with his older sister, we went to the same schools (granted 4 yrs. apart), and it's a small town where we grew up. So I knew what kind of man he was. But....I still kept my eyes wide open. Good Luck!
Oh and P.S. Ted Bundy was a really nice, good looking, sweet man. You never can be too cautious!! Don't mean to scare you, but know that there are sociopaths like that in the world. And pedophiles too.
2006-09-22 06:22:22 · answer #2 · answered by yokrem 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband has been married 2 times before me and has a child with each ex-wife. I am # 3 and we have no children together, but I have 2 sons from a previous marriage. My husband is the best thing in the world that has ever happened to me. He is hard working, caring, loving, he takes care of me and my boys better than I could even imagine. So, yes it can work for you to. Maybe he has just met the wrong women in the past. If he is good to you and your children, then I say go for it. I wouldn't trade mine in for all the money in the world. Don't worry about what people say as far as him being married that many times, I mean hey, look at Liz Taylor.........LOL......good luck honey
2006-09-22 06:14:38 · answer #3 · answered by dixiegirl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you continue with this man, you will figure out why he's been divorced so many times, because whatever it is he's doing will be done to you. People don't change if someone new comes into their life. They simply repeat patterns over and over again. Do yourself a favor -- talk to all his exwives, believe what they tell you, and look out for yourself that you don't become Bad Crazy Psycho Exwife #4.
2006-09-22 06:14:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
go for it. at least you know the truth about him, other men may have many previous relations but you may not know about them. having married 2 or 4 times does not mean s'thing wrong with him, it ias actually wrong choice and these kind of men often very emotional and that is why they would marry almost every girl they meet 'cause they can't stand loosing that quick relation. having been nice with kids is a very positive sign that he will love them but note that there could be less attention afterwards 'cause he is so excited of this new relation. but my strong advise to you, don't jumb the gun, be patient with this relation b4 the final knot, subject him to all kinds of life, try to do different things with him to uncover more about him until you are sure " he is the one ", however, no one is perfect & you won't see everything beautiful with him. good luck & write me if i can be of more help.
2006-09-22 06:25:13 · answer #5 · answered by arabmiracle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was emotionally and physically abusive in two other relationships then I would run the other way. If you look into statistics you will see that abusive men usually are wonderful until they get into marriage. I would be extremely leery of marrying this man.
2006-09-22 06:25:06 · answer #6 · answered by goodbye 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can honestly say his relationship with the other could have been rushed into and did not get to know each other better, so what you have is probably a great person who knows what he wants and loves you all an A+ if he gets along with you and your kids and spends time with them, Its hard anymore to find someone that wants to be with you when you have kids..He sounds like a great person like me cause i could have found someone without kids but i married a woman who had a daughter and we been together for 11yrs now..
2006-09-22 07:38:12 · answer #7 · answered by Tim H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother's 1st marriage was to my father for 7 years
2nd was for 2 years
and her third (which she is still in) has been for 6 years
It all depends on the love
2006-09-22 06:30:28 · answer #8 · answered by NaVy WiFeY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I am sorry to tell you this but you need to get out NOW, before you really fall in love and live to regrett this to your dying day. Listen, past behavior is a solid predictor of future behavior. Abuser's do NOT show these signs in the initial period of a relationship. They are busy being the best they can be, charming, caring, and working hard to put their best foot forward, so to speak. I know as I have been in this situation. Abuse is not somthing that occurres on a daily basis, and it builds over time. It starts out in really small ways and as the person being abused does not make an exit, and there are reasons one would not, not right away anyway, the abuse slowly escelates. Abuse also runs in cycles. First is the quiet time, the peaceful fun and loving period. Then as the stressors of living begin piling onto the shoulders of the abuser, he or she, begins to tighten up, get short tempered, surly, then violence breaks out, Then the person is REALLY sorry and very REPENTENT. They really ARE sorry, and really did not mean for it to happen, it just hit a breaking point, due to not having any real skills on stress releif in healthy positive manners. Abusers abuse their loved ones as they are the ones they feel the safest with, that they are loved by. The abused person has put time, effort and love into the abuser and does not wish to break up the family. Especially if the children also belong to the abuser. Now, I am sure he shows a wonerfully warm and loving side that is so lovable and adorable. However, he IS going to abuse you and probably your sons too. It sounds like you really want a father figure for your sons. Do you want them to see their mother mistreated? Do you want them to thinnk this is how a man treats a woman? Do you want them to grow up thinking it is ok to strike out in anger and frustration?
I am sorry to tell you this, but what I am saying is the truth. A leopard does not change his spots. Unless this man has gone through serious anger management counseling, and personal counseling as well, has learned the skills to stop the abuse, then you need to run to the nearest exit. You also do not want to be the one who he is with while he is learning these skills as he will fall off the wagon and strike and abuse you. If you want to go through this cycle and cause irreparable harm to your children, stay with this man. I am sorry to be so blunt but blunt is needed here. Your first responsibility is to those wonderful sons of yours and not to ease your own lonliness at their expense. I am sorry, but if you stay you and your sons are in for a world of hurt. Why not ask this ex's what went on? There is nothing wrong with that. If he won't be honest and tell you the truth of his past behavior you have even deeper reasons for worry. If you can't have an hoeest and open relationship, you don't want that type of relationship regardless of abuse or not. I really wish you the best in life and I hope you get out while the getting is good. Just tell him you can't afford to take such a risk when you have your children's lives and futures to consider. I am sorry you are a single parent, I was one for ten years. I choose to stay single rather than submit my children to the possibility I would make another mistake in choosing the wrong man. It took years for me to learn and grow enough to enable myself to find a healthy relationship. I raised eight children.
2006-09-22 06:26:27 · answer #9 · answered by Serenity 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No better than 1 in 4
2006-09-22 06:30:32 · answer #10 · answered by Chris F 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋