Truth is relative and very subjective. There is not a single human being that has ever walked this planet that has been 100% honest. There are many types of lies that plague us in our every day existence. We lie continuously, yet we have been conditioned into thinking that there are types of lies that are just plain wrong. For instance; how many times have you told someone they look nice just not to hurt their feelings? How many times have you run a yellow light and told yourself the lie that yellow means'hurry before you get the red light' in order to justify your unlawfulness? How many times have you told someone to tell whoever is on the phone that you are not home? How many times do you justify your own defects by blaming others? Is all of the above not lying? Of course it is!
What you are refering to is a lie that can cause someone direct harm. In that, I do agree with you! You should be as honest as you can. Take into consideration that your spouse is from a totally different educational and formative background as you. Do you really know what his concept of lying and truth telling really is? Also take into consideration that emotions play a big role in the process. When you are angry, depressed, elated, excited, nervous, jealous etc, both honesty and deceit are distorted. There are really no absolutes in the realm of existence. Things exist on a plain called polarity. For example; where does cold stop and heat begin, where does hate stop and love begin, When does dark turn to light etc... See what I mean?
Your best bet would be to sit down with your spose and air out what your concepts are regarding honesty and deceit, white/black and gray lies, intentional lying and conditioned lying etc... Look into your own soul and decide what you will finally accept as a compromise. Be as honest with yourself as you possibly can, considering all you have just read.
I wish you luck in your endeavor to define and practice honesty!
2006-09-22 05:19:23
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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There are no absolutes,That (IS UNREALISTIC).People tell the'cold hard truth' when they are angry. They also lie,to either hurt others or at times in an attempt to defuse a situation. You (one) can pledge 100% honesty but to practically apply that is not realistic,Ex."Honey do these pants make my but look big."? Life is short and the years move faster as we age. Do you really want to waste time and energy on petty issues? Save the stress and negative energy for the really BIG issues that truly deserve it. If you love him the little things should not matter so much. If you believe he is B.S'n you ,call him on it,but don't HAMMER on him/it on and on. One thing I have found myself telling my woman is "You can tell me once or 20 times ,but its not like it means any more the 20th time".Just be cool, be mellow. try to focus on enjoying each other .If you can't do that then maybe you should split.
2006-09-22 12:14:10
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answer #2
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answered by Anonymous
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Whoa, careful! I know that it's only natural to judge others based on yourself, but it's not always wise to do that. I'm like you -- even when angry, I don't lie. My wife, though, does tend to, um, exaggerate things! Sometimes she feels guilty about doing it afterward, but it's true that she does. If, in the clear light of reason, your husband says he didn't tell the truth while he was angry, you should probably believe him. However, you should also have a discussion while you're not angry and stress to him how important it is, in the future, for him always to be truthful with you even when you're having an argument.
2006-09-22 12:02:35
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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For the most part, I don't think so. I've said some really hateful things to some really important people in my life, that I regret so much. Not out of it being true (because it wasn't), but out of the fact that it was so hurtful and mean, and there is nothing to be done to take it back, but apologize and be sincere that you didn't mean it. We can all relate, and we know sometimes we just say things because we are so damn pissed off.
2006-09-22 11:55:58
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answer #4
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answered by Bailey 2
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You should not discuss anything of relevance when you are angry. If what you have to say to him is the truth, and you say it when you are angry, and it hurts his feelings, you can never take it back. He will always remember the delivery. But if you carefully think out how to tell him something, and you say it diplomatically, he will appreciate it much more that you tried to be kind.
And remember that problems don't have to be solved in one night. Be kind without lying to yourself or to him, and in time he will learn to do the same.
2006-09-22 13:06:24
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answer #5
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answered by catarina 4
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girl, let me tell you something. men lie. get over it. they do not have the same communication abilities that we do and so they lie to make up for it. give him a break. it's not like he's cheating on you or anything, he's just being a man. it's a fact of life. love him and be happy when he does converse with you. men are very different than we are. if you need to be talkative, call a girl friend, don't force your husband to participate in what is not natural for him, that's not fair. it's like him forcing you to go to sporting events with him and expecting you to talk "stats" with him. come on. expect him to be honest only where it really matters, let the other things slide. no big deal.
And you should never be cruel in the name of truth. It is possible to be honest without being brutal. remember that.
2006-09-22 12:10:12
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answer #6
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answered by HazelEyes 5
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One reason I hate to get into yelling matches is that I say things that I feel, even if they are hurtful. I understand not wanting him to lie to you, but make sure he knows how important honesty is to you. Then, leave it at that. When you are in a heated argument, you are too angry to come up with lies, in my opinion. If you truly believe he means the things he says when you fight, that is all you need to know. He probably just doesn't want to hur t your feelings. That is understandable. As long as he doesn't lie to you about the major things in life, stop worrying about the small things.
2006-09-22 12:20:43
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answer #7
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answered by Rhoe 2
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I too think that honesty is the best thing -- I like to be tactful, but I don't like to 'slap on the happy' or feed someone a line, because basically they will have to face the truth later and it'll be even messier than it would be at this stage if I pretend.
However, I've learned that tact and appropriateness really matters.
Everyone is different. Some people can take criticism or hostility and just shrug it off. Other people are seriously disturbed by harsh words and strong emotions, even if the criticism is valid and feels appropriate for what happened.
What I do is think, "If I act this way, how will it impact this person and how will it motivate them to act?"
If I am dealing with someone who simply does not respond well to the level of honesty I would naturally give, I need to somehow find a way to maintain my integrity/honesty while doing what will best help that person to respond the best way to what I am feeling or have to say.
For example, my one son constantly forgot or blew off his responsibilities. To me, that was valid grounds to confront him directly and criticize him, vent a little, tell him to "get with the program," and so forth. I was being honest.
But my son responds to criticism -- even situations where he is clearly in the wrong -- by picking up the "bad vibes" of my emotion, feeling rejected, and becoming depressed or even less inclined to comply. He just isn't built in a way that takes bad emotion and hard criticism positively.
This was very frustrating for me, since I am self-critical (the opposite) by nature. Instead of expressing myself, I had to learn how to use my insights and feelings to see where he needed to end up ultimately, then interact with him in a way that encouraged him to move in that direction.
It still bugs me sometimes, but he's my son, and I love him, and I need to worry more about the ultimate destination than whether something is "fair" or not.
For a more relevant example (marriage), I can handle my wife telling me that she hates me -- if I know it is simply describing her emotional state at the time. I only find myself hurt when it's more a sign of whether she is committed to our marriage (i.e., an intellectualized choice to hate).
Meanwhile, she is the opposite; I have to be more careful because the dumb things I say in an argument stick with her and are taken very very personally.
She knows it; i know it; it's the way she is; we need to work together to make the marriage succeed.
There are many ways to honestly communicate what I am feeling and thinking; and I try to communicate with her in a way that will be most encouraging for her and will be best for our relationship.
As far as your husband goes, well, I can't tell you whether he is sincerely hurt by your comments or just hates to open up emotionally and would rather hide. Both possibilites are there.
I do know that a definition of "honesty" that is taken to an extreme is simply annoying and not productive. If you constantly express negative things in a harsh way, it will erode your relationship no matter how truthful you feel you are being.
My advice is somehow navigate in the middle. Don't put up pretenses, but focus on strengthening your relationship rather than on simply expressing yourself. If you shift the priorities, that will definitely help.
Keep that desire for honesty with you, but use it to serve you and your husband, rather than letting it drive and control you. You can determine how and what you say, and imagine the probable impact, so do what you think is most wise in the long-term.
2006-09-22 12:42:06
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answer #8
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answered by Jennywocky 6
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Things are often said out of anger not true feelings. Try to stop the fighting by talking and opening your relationship up with communication.
2006-09-22 11:57:08
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answer #9
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answered by Tricia P 4
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The problem is that these truthfull things dont come out till you fight...you dont say the truthfull things when times are good because you dont want to hurt your husbands feelings....so if you are doing when you argue, the intent is to hurt him...... honesty is a great thing unless you use it as a weapon to hurt someone you love
2006-09-22 12:03:20
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answer #10
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answered by Anonymous
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