2006-09-22 02:45:38 · 44 answers · asked by Brandy D 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He just cant See how bad it hurts. He calls me names and threatens to leave me, take all the money. We have 3 kids and I love him he loves me. a lot of the time it is a fight over sex I dont always feel like it and especially when he has been putting me down. I have tried and tried to talk and tell him, he has to see how he hurts me. He just says I am turning it around, I am mad at him because he is mad at me! Well I am mad but mostly hurt because of the way he acts when he is mad. Then he tries to just pretend nothing happened and we just forget about it. He told me 2 days ago he was leaving me taking the money from the bank then today he says he loves me. I really just want to leave him because I cant emotionaly deal anymore with the way he hurts me, but I do love him. Oh and I have no job and couldnt make it on my own with my kids! What do I do?
2006-09-22 02:46:53 · update #1
OK thanks for all the answers! Now I will say I cant get a job because I have three kids under the age of 5 Day care is expensive! I would be working to pay for day care. I dont have any friends or family to move in with and if he pays me child suport he will not be able to afford rent. He is a good dad and loves his kids but if he has no place to live then what about the kids? I really have no way out and am not willing to have my kids living in a shelter. I think I am just trying to keep my kids in their family and happy even if that means that I am not happy I just dont know!
2006-09-22 03:30:46 · update #2
Try to get your husband into counseling... you have to get across to him that his behavior is very disturbing and stressful to you and you're concerned about the future of your marriage and the kids. If you wish to continue your marriage, then you're gonna have to get your husband to agree to communicate.
2006-09-22 02:50:34 · answer #1 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If he said he is going to leave you. That means he already has it planed and sooner or later it will happen. Find a job and start to plan your self. Be more assertive and say flat out what's on you're mind. Do not let any one belittle you LOVE YOU'RE SELF!!! & when you find a job start to save and leave him. Or if the situation is unbear able let him leave & then this is what you have left in the wonderful world of laws. If he leaves you can sight him for abondonment and he will have to still provide for the house hold and give child support and until you get back on you're feet he has to give you alemony mide you don't take anything under the table cause then it's tax deductable. Make sure it's all legal "think" each child is at least $350 +home +alemony till you get back on you on you're feet that is another $300 or so this is all per month I'll say you're better off alone. ( No matter what you decide always carry you're self up high and keep you're chin up be proud of who you are and don't let any one tell you other wise!)
2006-09-22 03:06:32 · answer #2 · answered by Mrs 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most definitely he has issues that need to be worked out in counseling. He sounds just like what my husband used to be. It took a couple years and a bombshell to get him to go to counseling but it's helped. That controlling, abusive behavior is trying to make up for some insecurities he's carried his whole life. He won't change w/out help and unfortunately if he doesn't he will lose you and his children. Has he pushed friends away yet? That happens too. He might end up taking an anti-depressant for anxiety that causes his blow-ups. That would be helpful to you. But keep in mind his behavior is already affecting the children, you will see them treating each other, their friends and even you with disrespect. Stop the madness before it goes to far! Love? Think back to why you married him, what attracted you to him, what connects you... has anything changed? Perhaps you married for the wrong reasons even tho at the time they felt right. As for having no place to go... try everything possible to go to counseling. If the time comes to leave... you have friends, family, church and various public resources to rely on. I work w/ the Underground Railroad and it's there for women like you. Abuse, even if it's just verbal... is still abuse. Good luck.
2006-09-22 06:30:02 · answer #3 · answered by maryquast 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When i read this the most sad thing to was that you don't believe yourself. He has already put you down so many times you believe it! It is time to get it together. You need to know that you are smart and beautiful and YES you can support yourself and the kids. Women do it all the time. Be strong and hold your head high. It is time for you to get out while you still have a chance. No one deserves to be put down like that. I would call my church or a good friend and also a concealer. There is programs for women like you that just need a hand getting up. You could get some daycare paid by the state if need be. Also housing assistance. Don't be afraid or ashamed. These are tools to help you get on your feet. Good luck and keep your chin up.
2006-09-22 03:47:53 · answer #4 · answered by Hollli 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't say you can't make it on your own. That's why he knows he can do this to you. Either put up and shut up, or start taking steps to get yourself respected. He might be feeling a lot of pressure to keep you in the lifestyle you want. Maybe you should get a job and help him provide for the family.
First, check your yellow pages for child care placement, these agencies specialize in low income day care.
Second, find a quick trade school like ITT tech or Olympia schools where you can get a certification in a year or less.
Third, get a job and do it. You will feel better about yourself and so will your husband.
2006-09-22 03:06:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me say this first: He does not love you. I know this sounds harsh, but take it from me...I've been there and done that.
Yes, it will be hard to raise three kids on your own, but women do it every day and they all survive. If you want to do anything for your children, leave now, before they suffer any more emotional scars. You may think they don't realize the abuse because it is verbal, but they pick up on a lot more than they let on. And staying is only hurting them in the long run.
2006-09-22 02:52:37 · answer #6 · answered by mvngs 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if he loved you he would not verbally abuse you - i know it's hard when you have three kids and no $, but you have 2 choices - stay or leave - it's up to you - i stayed with a verbally/emotionally abusive man, but i had a game plan - i got myself a good paying job - got a great network of supportive friends - reached out to family - gained independence and confidence & then was able to leave him - this was not overnite - it was over a course of three years, but it is do-able. don't just sit there and say "I wouldn't be able make it on my own" - plot out a course of action and do it - i knew i would be able to leave him eventually and that's what got me thru the bad days - you also have to look at how this abuse is affecting your kids - mine both had to see therapists for quite a while to get over the abuse - it's not just you suffering, it's your children also and the parent that stands around and watches the abuse is just as guilty as the parent who is abusing - if you are being verbally abused, i'm sure they are also. there are also government agencies that help women like you - look into it - you obviously have a computer - get on the internet and start researching!!
2006-09-22 03:08:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He obviously has no respect for you.
One of the most difficult things is to accept respect for yourself! I think you realize that your talking to him about how he treats you is not changing anything.
I think if you possibly can try to see what you can do to change the situation...namely, getting a job and finding a place of your own.
He needs to be aware that you can fend for yourself, until then nothing that you say or do will make him realize that you will not be taken for granted.
As far as sex is concerned...of course, you dont want it, especially after being called names, by the person you love and who is supposed to love you!
For whatever reasons he might be doing this...it is time for YOU to take a stand...look for a job, as for help from family or friends...let people in on this problem...it is when you are alone in this that you feel helpless!
If you dont have anyone, make friends even acquaintances in the places you go job hunting.
Don't wait until he makes a move...you should make your step first...either way, if he was to leave you then you would still need a job...find one and start working...if possible then even move out.
The faster you do this the faster you can start thinking about if YOU want to continue in this relationship...and if you deserve this kind of treatment...which by the way, you totally dont!
Make your move as soon as possible...and be strong, no one EVER deserves to be put down, mentally, emotionally, physically and or even verbally, especially NOT from their spouse!
Respect yourself and make a change!
Best wishes! Remember, be strong...it will definitely be tough but you will get through it!
2006-09-22 03:05:17 · answer #8 · answered by Patience 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have read some of the answers above- and I say> sometimes its easier said then done-
I know some or most of what you are going thru- I have been doing it for almost 18 yrs now- I think men get like "a time of the month" thing going on inside of them- not all men- some are more normal than others-but theirs occur at different times and for different lengths of time- one minute they are telling you "great dinner honey-love ya" and the next minute they are saying "why don't I ever have anything clean to wear, that we spend all their money on foolishness" when in fact- we spend money on food,clothes,and bills- and they buy themselves a new tool, or fishing pole, or get lunch out- while we are stuck at home- doing the dishes, the laundry, taking care of the kids- and putting up w/ their crap- how on earth could we have a bad day just sitting at home doing nothing- LOL- my doctor wanted to put me on medication for depression- I told him there was no point in it- that if I was in a good mood and my hubby came home in a good mood too- then everything was fine- but if I'm in a good mood and he came home in a bad one- so much for my good one- everyone was gonna pay hell- I bet you know exactly what I'm talking about- Good Luck hun- you gotta make up your own mind- and no one can tell you what to do- cause until they walk a mile in your shoes- they don't know what you go thru everyday- Email me- Keep in touch->I'm at Yahoo! =)
2006-09-22 03:31:35 · answer #9 · answered by sawgirl513 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
AWHHHH....don't listen to all those babbling females! Use the word abuse and the hormones start flying........I am sure you call your husband names when things get heated......sounds like you still love each other......bottom line, it is hard to keep the peace and find those happy days when you are raising 5 kids.
Bottom line.....you need to hang in there till the kids get older. Then go back to school or get a job. I see 2 problems....he wants more sex .....you want to be respected. Solution.....he gets great sex if he shows you more respect. Try it for a month.
Wish u the best.
2006-09-22 14:16:31 · answer #10 · answered by Rocky99 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he loved you as you think he wouldn't be verbally abusive to you. He would have nothing but kind words for you. Maybe he's like that because his home life wasn't so good when he was a kid. Maybe his parents were verbally abusive to him and this is why he is this way with you. Being verbally abusive is just as bad a being physically abusive to a person. It tears you down and shows that he has no respect for you at all. This is not love my dear. Talk to him about it and try to get him to stop.
2006-09-22 02:50:22 · answer #11 · answered by ? 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋