How can I motivate my daughter to do better in school and quit being defiant?

Question

She is very lazy, doesn't care to do her homework, clean her room, nothing. Twelve years old and I see her going down the wrong path. She is hanging out with this "bad" girl that has two sisters and both of them aren't over 18 and both pregnant. She went through my closet snooping. I've taken away privileges, TV, phone, etc... but she is home for an hour before I get home. She doesn't bother to do her homework during this time, I know she is talking on the phone without permission. I'm scared she is going to attempt to, if not already having sex. She mentioned a boy came over and she says she didn't let him in. I am pretty sure she did because there was a spilled drink on the floor and she doesn't drink Kool-Aid, ever, my son and husband do. She is failing several subjects, all she cares about is her hair, make-up and what her friends do and think. I'm going to start taking the children to church. We used to go and have slacked off in the last four years. What do I do?

Answer 1

I would start by trying to find out what would they like to do as an adult (what career goals) or what college they'd like to go to. Once that's determined, then together, you can find out what it would take (education, grades, community service, activities) to get to that career or school.

If they're misbehaving, I would slowly start stripping all the luxuries they have in their room or have access to. Eventually, you're going to get to something that's gonna get their attention. The deal is once their behavior changes back to the positive, then some of their luxuries will begin to return.

Answer 2

Your daughter is at that stage where she wants to find out who she is. I am not so sure that forcing her to go to church will help any because she may only be more defiant being told to do something. Maybe just you and her go spend some quality time together doing something you both enjoy and that way you can openly talk about what her goals in life are, what her interests are, and other things to help her realize that she needs to start doing better for herself. Tell her that in the long run she is only hurting herself and make sure that she knows that you are going to be there for her no matter what and that you love her. Sometimes when I was growing up I felt that my mom didn't show me the right attention, we didn't spend quality time doing anything together. I went through not doing my homework, not cleaning my room, skipping school, worried about my Friends and boys, Looking back it was because I needed that special attention which I could have easily gotten in a different way if I would have chose to do so.

Answer 3

Get a lock on the phone. Take the TV out of her room (if she has one there) and put it where she can't access it, even if you aren't at home. Cut out allowance completely, as well as any means for her to get around town, other than going to school and church. Forbid any contact with her "bad" girlfriend, and tell the "bad" girlfriend she's not welcomed at the house, and she is not to dial your number. Your daughters wants to act hard? You have to be harder, and make it stick and not be soft where her behavior is concerned. Kids don't run households, adults do.

Answer 4

All this at 12,? Wow! I wonder how consistant you are. Sounds like she needs a sitter - even for that hour. She shouldn't have makeup to be putting on.Does she have an interest in sports? (would keep her busy and helps with motivation) Perhaps some counseling to get to the root of her behavior. Perhaps a good smack on the asss every now and then.

Answer 5

Dear Lorie,

Do you talk to your daughter, or do you constantly lecture her? Kids are not interested in lectures. When a child becomes defiant is because he or she wants attention. We have to invest time in our children. Have dates with them. Involve in their worlds. Walk with them through life, especially during the teenage years. Do not push her around, guide her. And always apply the A's principles: Acceptance for who they are, a blessing, tell her that everyday; Accountability, if you set the rules live also by them; Appreciation - praise the good things that your daughter does-sometime we are too critical of our children and shout their mistakes, but we do not celebrate their accomplishments; Admonish - kids are designed to be disciplined, but it has to be with love, and provide guidance; and last but not least Affection - show affection every day and love her no matter what. She needs to see your love behind your words. And very important develop a personal relationship with God, that she may witness your own change and transformation. I will pray for you!

Answer 6

Hey sweety,
dont be so hard on yourself or her,,remember those days when you were a pre-teen?,,it was hard for our paents also.
Your best bet is stop pushing punishments and educate yourself a tad bit.I raised three girls and 6 grandchildren.And beleive it or not I took a parenting class so I could help my daughters with the new generration of teens..It is very hard with the way the teens are today,,take my advice and get some sanity and join a parenting class to get over this hump,,trust me it will help you get through this.
Good luck

Answer 7

I used to be like your daughter and my parents really taught me. They have a rule depending on how bad i was...3 days, 3 weeks and three months. The other thing was they told me if i hated it so much there i can go live with my grandparents. I was very rebelious and didnt care abotu my grades. My dad also taught a lot about focus and when they disiplined me i HATED it so i started to change and now i make honor roll and applying to colleges.

Answer 8

first of all at 12 yrs old i wasn't allowed to wear makeup...take that away from her...and let her know that she is only 12 not 16..refuse to wash her clothes if she doesn't want to pick them up..if she was my daughter she wouldn't have a social life if she wasn't doing her homework..sit down and talk to her about how lucky she is to have someone that cares...find out where there are seminars on kids that have kids and regret it...on how it has made them grow up too fast...make her sign up for voluntary work at your church or rescue missions...good luck..stay on top of her..i went thru the same thing with my sons...they are doing great now

Answer 9

seek for suggestion from such as his instructors and word if there is a few thing happening in school which could be affecting his behaviour. If he would not imagine you decide on him round him any more advantageous make confident he feels secure and loved at domicile, and that he's definitely-known with you're in reality attempting to assist him benefit his acceptable in school. seek for suggestion from with him and tell him that you're aggravating and don't like his behaviour. really than punishing him reward him at the same time as he does some thing solid, like per chance if he fingers in homework on time or if he would not get in problem for a week and in reality use punishment at the same time as it truly is truly necessary so as that he received't insurrection hostile to it.

Answer 10

well i can understand the pain you are going through, but my sincere advice to you is to spend more time with your daughter, give her your proper attention and dont force her to do this and that, instead of, try to realise her the importance of homework, schooling and education, and if possible fix a meeting of her with any girl who is successful after studies and faced some kind of problems during her career building stage.
all the best and i hope that you will get rid of your problem soon.