My daughter was caught with 2 other girls who were shoplifting. She says she didn't do any of it and I do believe her on that. The question is about whether or not which parent is right in the regards of what should happen.
She is going through the juvenile court system right now and I say that she should take the punishment she deserves as she KNEW the girls were stealing but didn't leave when it first happened. Her father hired an attorney to "get her off". I believe that if you lie down with dogs you will get up with fleas and she needs to be taught a lesson that she will never forget. Am I right on this one? Or should I let the attorney try to get her off with no record? Do you think she will actually steal something next time because she got no punishment this time?
2006-09-22 02:00:22 · 22 answers · asked by singlegal001 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
I would like to add that even though I believe her when she says she did not do it then, I don't believe she is guilt free since she KNEW that the girls had stolen from one other store just before they were caught in the second store.
2006-09-22 03:42:46 · update #1
Unfortunately, I've had experience with this sort of thing. My oldest child has always been, shall we say, a bit of a handfull.
If she goes through the court system and it is her first offense, what is likely to happen (with no defense attorney involved) is that she will be given a punishment (fines and resitution, a class or classes to take, community service hours, probation, etc.). At the end of her punishment, providing she completes everything assigned to her (which will probably include staying in school and keeping her grades at an acceptable level), the likelihood is that she will not have a record in the end. Her offense will probably either be expunged immediately, or will be expunged if she keeps her nose clean until she is 18.
I say, let her take her punishment. If she is generally a good kid, if she's just starting to have trouble, or if she's got the potential to be a good kid... the punishment might just deter her from further trouble.
If her father tries to get her out of her punishment, when, as you say, "she KNEW the girls were stealing but didn't leave when it first happened", she could learn that she doesn't have to take personal responsibility for the world around her. If she gets off without a hitch, she may then have the understanding that Daddy doesn't think what happened/what I did was wrong, so there must be nothing wrong with it.
It's hard to see our children suffer, I know that. But sometimes the punishment is far better and less painless than the possible alternatives. If she learns now that what happened was wrong, she might be able to walk away from it next time.
"I believe that if you lie down with dogs you will get up with fleas and she needs to be taught a lesson that she will never forget." This statement should be your battle cry! You are doing what is best for your child. You are being a good Mama! Stick to your guns... eventually your daughter will thank you.
Good luck.
2006-09-22 02:25:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋
Whew! this is a tough one.
NO!! do not get her out of trouble unless you are prepared to send the message that rules/laws are negotiable and you are willing to accept her bad decisions and deal with the consequences for her (out of your pocketbook nonetheless).
While you may be right, and she wasn't stealing, you may also be wrong. You weren't there and I'm sure your daughter was a lovely girl and she is smart, funny etc.... (my daughter is too) but everyone makes bad mistakes. Be prepared to know that your daughter could have been stealing. This doesn't make her less lovely or smart or funny, just capable of making a STUPID choice.
Now if you let her know that nothing happens, nobody holds her accountable- you are the ones who are teaching her to act without thinking about possible consequences. The world can be dangerous and I'd hate to know what temptations lie in front of her when she believes that a safety net is in place and she is untouchable. Would she steal again? well that wouldn't be my worry but she would be more likely to do that and any other whim she might have.
What is so wrong with the juvenile court system? Do you or her scaredy cat father believe they are going to send her away to prison? If she hasn't done this before she will likely get probation and maybe community service (a very good thing) . The record is expunged as an adult and your daughter is scared enough to realize that she screwed up and she has to face the consequences.
If you are worried about her reputation: her friends and classmates already know and no lawyer is going to help her out. If she does face the court system it sends a message to them as well.
If he is worried about your reputation then Shame on Him! That is despicable.
Being a parent is tough, and sometimes it is hard to be the heavy when you could make things easier on your child. There are lessons and please don't waste the lessons of experience. Remember that the right thing to do isn't always ( hardly ever) the easiest to do.
Oh... and if that jerk of a father seems to think that getting her off in the court and then punishing her from her myspace/ipod/car is going to work better then please tell that arrogant man that every failure in your daughter's life could be traced back to this decision... is he really a gambling man.
Do right by your daughter- your gut is right.
2006-09-22 02:53:57 · answer #2 · answered by artful dodger 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
WOW this is a tough one....first off let me congratulate you on being strong enough to let her take her punishment, that is a very hard thing for any parent to do. Second when it comes to life long choices with children, I suggest you way the options for what is going to pave the way for your daughter's best chance in life. I say this because if she is convicted and goes to a juvenile jail even for 30 days - that is 30 days she is going to be subjected to time with real criminals who can harm her, teach her more deceitful things, and get her to blame you for her being there. Think about that, do you want your daughter to be punished that way to possibly come out worse??
What I suggest is that you and her father talk about what the best course of action should be. You are 100% right to want your daughter to have some type of punishment, but weigh this who is better equipped to punish your daughter - you (who knows her) or a judge (who may see her as just another spoiled brat who is taking what she wants).
Possible punishments you can give her: community service where she has to volunteer at a homeless shelter, retirement home, local humane society, or do supervised community clean up - where an adult sits and watches her clean so place that is noticible by her friends - heck even make her wear an orange jumpsuit (Halloween is coming up some shops may have them).
Like I said at the very beginning, I applaud you for wanting her to be punished for her choice in the situation, but at what expense. good luck to you. I am a junior high school teacher and I have seen good kids come back from time in juvi that are changed.
2006-09-22 04:04:25 · answer #3 · answered by Just me.... 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you would be the one who is right !!!!!! Besides it is not like she is going to get the death sentence or something... If it is her first offense she will probably get community service hours or probation(depending on how much the stuff totaled up too). I do not think that a simple conversation or grounding would really show her that they were in the wrong .I also think you are VERY right on the fact that even though (as the story goes)she did not steal anything she witnessed it and did not doing anything about it she should walk away with something out of it too.
2006-09-22 02:17:56 · answer #4 · answered by thunder_rainclouds 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well, its really up to you. she should be taught a lesson, but if she gets a record, she may not be able to get into college.
i think you should talk to her about it and ask her WHY she didnt leave if she knew about the other girls' shoplifting.
my dad would probably let me get a taste of juvie for a week or two or he might even get an attorney like her father has, but after that, he'd probably put me in a home. i think she should get off without a record then be put in a home for a week or two.
i suggest before you follow thru with my suggestions, check out the history of where you're sending her.
my aunt was like your daughter but she was let off so many times, she didnt learn a lesson and started doing the straling and what not herself. after she was put in a home(Madonna Manor) for like 6 months she straightened out
2006-09-22 09:38:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a very good question. I think you are totally right. She knew they were stealing, she could have said something to the girls or walked away. You both love your daughter and i think u are going about things perfectly. She should take the punishment, then she will know next time. I think she knows the difference between right and wrong.. Good Luck!
2006-09-22 03:43:51 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Hell no. Let the attorney get her off if she really didn't do anything all you will be teaching her is that she is damned if she does and damned if she don't. Sorry but your husband is right on this one. She should be punished at home for not walking away when it started happening not in the courts. You don't want to lose the trust with her and if you truly believe her you will do everything in your power to get her out so she knows that it was wrong but if she comes to you with a problem you won't ignore it.
2006-09-22 03:48:45 · answer #7 · answered by robin s 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I'm with you..she NEEDS to learn a lesson! I know that sounds harsh...I'm a mom of a 16 yr old girl,14 yr old son,and two younger children..and IF that happened..I'd hope that she'd be smart enough to leave KNOWING they were going to shop...being an accessory IS JUST LIKE doing the crime!! She may think...GEE DADDY WILL GET ME OUT OF TROUBLE AGAIN...that's what I'd fear!! Because there may be something she does in the future that daddy can't get her out of...Have her pay the piper for the dance she participated in...and learn from her mistakes..I hope she's still not hanging out with them...
2006-09-22 02:13:01 · answer #8 · answered by just me 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU. EVEN THOUGHT YOU LOVE THE CHILD YOU WANT WHAT IS RIGHT AND FAIR.
SHE NEEDS TO LEARN A LESSON HERE. TO LET HER GET BY WITH THIS ONLY MEANS SHE MIGHT TRY IT AGAIN.
I KNOW IT IS HARD FOR YOU, BUT I BELIEVE YOU MADE THE RIGHT DISCUSSION.
I DO HAVE A SUGGESTION. WHY DON'T YOU FIND OUT THE JUDGE HANDLING THE CASE AND WRITE THEM A LETTER EXPLAINING AND EXPRESSING YOUR WISHES. IF NOT THE JUDGE, THEN MAYBE THE JUVENILE SYSTEM.
GOOD LUCK
2006-09-23 13:07:47 · answer #9 · answered by sunshine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This same thing happened to my husbands daughter. He let her take the punishment because she was doing it, too. Plus, we didn't have no money for no lawyer.
Me personally? I think you should Let her suffer. This will teach her to think next time. You don't have to day anything wrong to go down with people who did. Just being there when they do it is bad enough.
2006-09-22 02:05:53 · answer #10 · answered by Lady Tee 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋