Why can't I make a firm decision?

Question

I am disgusted with myself for not being able to make a decision regarding my husband. After 18 years of marriage and 19 years together he has moved out. I discovered he was having an affair last year, I don't know if he is still seeing her. He now comes back to the house every weekend. He says that there was a lot of harm done to our marriage and we have to start again. As far as he is concerned we are still married, we are just having time out because he needs to sort out his head as he has been under a lot of stress. He now treats me well, takes me out, telephones every evening to see how we are, we have a daughter of 16. Tomorrow we are going on holiday, just the 2 of us, something we have never done before. Everyone tells me to drop him because if he cheated once he will do it again, that he only comes to the house to keep an eye on everything because he owns half of it and that I will be hurt. I am afraid of this, but why don't I put a stop to this? Am I a wimp?

Answer 1

If you WANT to see him, and IF he's treating you well, then go ahead and see him. But MAKE SURE he's treating you well. The whole affair may have been a wake-up call for him. Just don't jump in blindly, and take it slow.

Answer 2

"He says that there was a lot of harm done to our marriage and we have to start again. As far as he is concerned we are still married, we are just having time out because he needs to sort out his head as he has been under a lot of stress"

Yes, harm HE caused. And who is he to say "we" have to start again?? And what about YOUR stress??? Sounds as though you're letting him call all the shots. Not a good idea, though. He sounds like a self-motivated control freak. He can only control you if you let him.

"comes to the house to keep an eye on everything because he owns half of it and that I will be hurt. I am afraid of this, but why don't I put a stop to this? Am I a wimp?"

Aren't you already hurt??? No, you're not a wimp. I think you're just not sure how to proceed with your life after 19 years with the same man. You have to really think on this one and make some tough decisions for your OWN good, NOT his. But if your only reason for not making a clean break of him is fear of starting over, fight that. You *can* start over again. Many women have been in the same situation as you are and made better lives for themselves with decent men. There IS life after 19 years, hun. Believe it.

Answer 3

You're no whimp. You've just not forgiving him yet. Forgive him and move forward.

Forgiving is love’s revolution against life’s unfairness. When we forgive, we ignore the normal laws that strap us to the natural law of getting even and, by the alchemy of love, we release ourselves from our own painful pasts. We may talk about turning the other cheek and forgiving those who have wronged us, but it is not a simple thing to do. The problem usually lies within the whirling tornado of emotions that are at the center of this act. It is the hardest trick in the bag of personal relationships.

It is important not to confuse forgiveness with other similar acts. Forgiveness is not excusing, smothering conflict, accepting people, or tolerance. When you forgive the person who hurt you deeply and unfairly, you perform a miracle that has no equal. Nothing else is the same. Forgiving has its own feel and its own color and its own climax, different from any other creative act in the repertoire of human relationships.

There are four stages in the process of forgiveness beginning with the hurt that precipitates the crisis and causes us pain that will not go away. We must acknowledge that first. The second stage is hate when all our feelings of anger and righteous indignation come to the surface. The third stage is healing; you are given the ‘magic eyes’ to see the person who hurt you in a new light. Your memory is healed, you turn back the flow of pain and are free again. The fourth stage is the coming together where you affect a reconciliation and invite the person back into your life at the right time ( which doesn't always mean now). The major healing takes place within us thanks to the love and freedom that blooms in us.

It is best to practice forgiveness a little at a time. Ordinary people forgive best if they go at it in bits and pieces, and for specific acts. We bog down if we try to forgive people in the grand manner, because wholesale forgiving is almost always fake. Forgiving anything at all is a minor miracle; forgiving carte blanche is silly. Nobody can do it. Except God. And the first rule for mere human beings in the forgiving game is to remember that we are not God.

Someting else to remember: The shadows of resentment keep our spiritual light from shining through, never allowing us to fully experience who we are. In the experience of resentment, we are pushed further from our light than at any other time, because anger and hatred are the opposite of love.

The longer we hold hard thoughts or feelings of animosity, the weaker our light becomes, and consequently the deeper the hurt from our own dishonoring. The anger grows and grows. No matter what the perceived sin is against us, eventually forgiveness is seen to be the only doorway to freedom.

Pain in the heart is the energy of love pushing against a blocked emotion contained there. Holding onto anger keeps us on the path of self-destruction.

Do not stress that you have not forgiven. As love changes your mind, it is inevitable that forgiveness will come. True forgiveness comes in its own time. When love opens the door, we constantly correct and refine our behavior, gradually bringing ourselves to a state of love where fear will not exist.

Answer 4

No, you aren't a wimp. That saying once a cheater always a cheater isn't always true. It's hard to walk away. If your heart says to let him back in then do it. If you are suspicious of him or don't trust him then take your time. You should be honest with him about how you feel about the whole cheating bit. Tell him even if you have to that if it happens again that's it. It's done for good. Follow your heart. I don't want to tell someone to go for it then they get hurt again. You're not a wimp, you love him. I get it. Sometimes it takes things happening to us more than once before we learn. Take it one day at a time. Listen to you. And maybe your best friend but you first. Good luck.

Answer 5

well, let me be very honest with you & you may find what i say very bizarre but it is true that men & women hide it, plz don't you think i am downsizing women's personality; men tend to cheat on their wives/girlfriends quite often, it is sure wrong, but they do it, surprisingly when men cheat, they are good in hiding it & amazingly they don't come home with cheating-like symptoms, it is often the opposite, they can be more loving & friendly, men tend to go sometimes for a change, they feel bored. what i believe now that from your words you can forgive him and the best decision you can make 'cause loosing him is more catastrophic than staying with him with some troubles, it is just your luck that you knew he had an affair, other women don't even know if their men do it or not. i think he is very genuine in his desire to be back with you and the 1/2 of the house anyway will be their for him & you will not eat it :), so he came back for you 'cause he loves you. see, i am a man, and i know what it takes to keep a man close to his love, these topics may help you: you should generally forgive him & tell him that because you love him you will let go this time & warning him that there will be no more forgiveness for such mistakes, you should make some changes in you i.e. model of dresses - sex positions - places where you have sex or romance, try to trust him again although it is hard, try to be more busy from him in this new stage where he will be driven mad to be with you. Normally when men cheat, it is normally because they don't find peace at home, neglecting, not having sufficient sex or romance.

Answer 6

First, its easier to be disgusted with yourself than with another because you know what your faults are and they are bigger to you than to others. It is easy for others to say drop him because they dont have to go thru the emotions and process. We women have an intuition that is a gift to us. Only you have the right answer and maybe those who are telling you to drop him are causing you more trouble and confusion. If your heart is there and enjoying what you have why should anyone interrupt that? If you are sad and unsatisfied with the relationship then you look at what/where/how you will be without that relationship. 18 years is alot of time to grow with and without someone. If he is honest and open about his past affair then he can make you feel more secure about the two of you and yourself. If he is still involved in that affair or any then he is unable to make up his own mind and you should take action for yourself. You stay then make some requirements of him inorder to share your life. If you go make requirements of yourself and where you want to be. Move ahead and only look back to make sure the same mistake isnt made again.
In reality, if we leave our husbands and find another mate are we only getting someone elses trouble or do we believe that one womans trash is another womans treasure? I believe the later is true because we are all at different stages at different times.

Answer 7

Yes you are a wimp. He says that it is a time out because that allows him to do as he pleases and keep you on a string. He is treating you well now because it is in his best interest right now. Perhaps the person that he cheated on you with dumped him and now he is feeling all alone. Who cares. He is a slob and you do not need him and should not want him!

Answer 8

You dont even know if he is still seeing her so it sounds like he wants to keep you hanging...in the event he decides he wants to come home.
You can put a stop to it and force his hand at making a real decision, but its hard as Hell:
Tell him you are done. Tell him your finished with the game playing and manipulating and you need to move on. The minute he realizes what he will be losing, Im bettin' he will recommit. If he doesnt and does decide to permanently leave, then at least now, you know.

Answer 9

Your an indicisive person & i don't see any weakness or wrong in being so. Your husband took a wrong direction in ife & realised later that he made a huge mistake that's why he's back. Those that say your foolish for taking him back only say this because they experienced the problem but your situation & theirs could never be the same. They can't measure the love you have for this man so like any other person he deserves a second chance.

Answer 10

Cheating men are like criminals, the reoffending is likely,but why would he be trying so hard if he wasn't at least a little sincere? This is a decision you will have to think long and hard about,I hate to say I would not take any one persons advice and I would just do what I felt was the right thing. Goodluck