I have a friend that has been married to an American soldier for 2 yrs. She is Japanese. She says they are happily married, but he is still a virgin, and won't have sex. Something seems wrong with that picture. What do you think?
2006-09-21 21:01:54 · 18 answers · asked by ? 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow. Getting some great feedback. She is afraid to ask him because he is a good husband in other ways. She wants sex, but is very afraid to ask what the problem is.
2006-09-21 21:34:58 · update #1
It's hard to be sure without knowing more about their courtship and their typical "day in the life in the marriage" and so forth.
In general, I think that a man who does not have sex with his wife at all, and now for over two years, definitely either has (1) an emotional problem he is wrestling with or (2) a conviction that the sex would be wrong.
[The third possibility, that he is just using her in some way and it's a marriage of convenience, seems odd. What exactly is he getting from her? He's not marrying to change his nationality, he's not marrying to have sex, he's not marrying because she's the mother of his child. What exactly would be the motivation? Is there one that could shed some light on his behavior?]
Some people have speculated on homosexuality, which is possible but doesn't seem indicated either way yet.
I find it interesting that, out of all you could say of this man, you mention he's an America soldier. Why that detail, out of everything else that could be said? (It sounds like his identity is very much the soldier, they met due to his being in the military, and so forth.) Along those lines, someone suggested post-traumatic syndrome; that's plausible. Military men also generally have a strong sense of duty and tend to "tough things out" emotionally, dealing alone with their problems.
Your friend says that the marriage is good; only the lack of sex is perplexing. If the marriage is a good one and he is loving in other ways, then that shows an intention on his part to love and please her -- and so the sex problem is probably based on an unresolved issue with him, not her.
Did your friend grow up in Japan or in the States? Did he meet her overseas? If she grew up in Japan or overseas in an Asian culture, the idea of a woman's role is very different, and chances are that she was taught not to bring up these things with her husband.
In western society, however, the woman is free to bring up these things with her husband and deal with tough emotional issues, without there being any inherent shame for him by involving her. So she can feel confident that it's okay to discuss her concerns with him.
The more information, the easier it is to figure out what could be wrong. In any case, I hope things work out and your friend's marriage only get stronger from this.
2006-09-22 02:35:28 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Like the others who've answered, homosexuality is a possibility. He may also have performance anxiety problems. He may have a physical deformity like an undescended testicle or a very small penis that he's embarrassed/ashamed of. Has his wife actually seen him naked to know?
Maybe they got married before they really got to know each other. He may be preparing to use this for an excuse for an annulment.
Has he been in the military for most of their marriage? If he's been in a combat zone he may have some symptoms of PTSD.
She definitely needs to get him to agree to see a doctor--without her being present so he can talk freely.
Another crueler thought, but one that may come up later on, is that he's not a virgin, but just doesn't want to have intercourse with her. Possibly he's afraid he'd hurt her, or he married her for some other reason--is she financially well off?
2006-09-21 21:24:36 · answer #2 · answered by goldie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She has to ask what's up with no sex or someone has to ask for her or something. She doesn't want to rock the boat but does she plan to live this way for the rest of her life if they stayed married for the rest of her life?
If the woman is not happy then the marriage is not happy.
Maybe he married her only for the extra pay or to move off base or as some have suggested to cover up his alternative lifestyle.
2006-09-21 21:52:50 · answer #3 · answered by cinattra 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope u r not that person.
Anyways, the men generally are after sex at all the time. So that guy may have some problem or else he is too pre occupied in his job.
Definitely its a matter for concern for the lady. I m sure that he sleeps with lady and must be doing some kind of petting atleast.
2006-09-21 23:04:38 · answer #4 · answered by Kumar 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Usually I wouldnt just say something like this, but seriously:Are you sure he isn't gay? Maybe he is gay, but he is just afraid to say it, because everyone has this picture of soldiers being really manly and he is afraid to come out with it.I am not being mean or anything, but you should really give it a thought. He is with men 24/7, he has most definately been exposed to men and men sexual activities(This is very normal, because men tend to have very high sex drives) and he doesnt want to have sex with his wife...I dont know but it is possible.
2006-09-21 21:13:37 · answer #5 · answered by Jade22 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try asking him if he was somewhat influenced by the doctrines of Jains. In Jainism, they do not have sex.
My speculations though, lean on the following:
He is still trying to be certain that he isn't gay, because being gay is in thinking; so that when the time comes for him to have sex, he wants to enjoy it.
Don't worry for your friend though. If she really meant that she is happy, then she is. Priorities are personal. Maybe sex is not so important for her.
2006-09-21 21:23:45 · answer #6 · answered by past_present_subsequent 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe there is something medically wrong with him. She needs to ask even if he is a great man in all other ways. She might also want to ask him if he is gay.
2006-09-21 23:23:06 · answer #7 · answered by kelsey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suspect he may be a homosexual who married hoping that by so doing it might change his sexual orientation. By living a heterosexual lifestyle he may think that that may be what he needs to do to change. This happens quite frequently with gay men but rarely has any effect upon their sexual interests.
2006-09-21 21:15:53 · answer #8 · answered by John M 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Lots of Gay men get married
2006-09-22 02:43:29 · answer #9 · answered by oilsbycarr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Won't or Can't...Could He have been injured in Combat somehow and is too embarrassed to say anything?
2006-09-21 21:21:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋