Who can speak (or write) very intelligently?

Question

I have a short paper to turn in, but my teacher said I needed to use more sophisticated, intelligent language. If anyone has any replacement suggestions, or suggestions about how to fix the paper in general, I would really appreciate it.

here's the link to my paragraphs: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aoi2OPdY8NDRSZHQ4J3sPQTsy6IX?qid=20060919223805AA0wjju

thanks so much!

Answer 1

The signs of intelligent writing or speaking basically comes down to proper grammar and spelling. After that the writer needs to think about who is going to be reading/listening to it and gear it towards them. All the sophisticated language in the world is meaningless if the audience doesn't grasp what you are trying to say. I read your paragraphs and I like the way you write. I could follow it and your style of writing is creative. You painted a picture with the words, but this is just my opinion about your writing.
If I were you I would ask the teacher to give you an example of what they are looking for exactly because in school it's only your teacher's opinion that counts.

Answer 2

Here's some general advice before the answer:

The first steps are the same for everything you write :
Think, Organize, Write.

Your opening sentence should do three things:
i)catch your reader's attention
ii)introduce your subject
iii)set the mood for the rest of your paper.

your opening sentence is too long, and does not introduce your subject in a catchy way, so try to break into two or more simpler sentences.

you are talking about your family when you suddenly jump to some other history. so , at the beginning of the paragraph show the relationship between your father and phillippines.

and look up a thesaurus for more synonyms.
if you don't have one at home, there are many online thesauruses and even your text editor may have one. so using a thesaurus, you can use more intelligent, sophisticated language.

Answer 3

First of all if you are in a grade higher than about 5th than you should know what makes up a proper paper.
1. Introduction
2. Body
3. Conclusion
This paper has NO introduction...I don't know exactly what you want to talk about. You bounce around too much. Are you talking about you? your father? or his family?

What exactly does the fact that the US and the Philippines were partners in anything have to do with your family? Now other than being in the military you have not shown me what your uncle and grandfather have to do with the writing assignment. Another thing is that you said that your father had big dreams when he was your age but I don't see what they are...you never define them clearly.

As for the language I don't see how it can be more sophisticated...unless you are able to define to yourself what your purpose for writing the paper is. But you write like a middle school student or maybe a high level ESL, and I am unclear at what level you should be writing at. If you are a High school or University student I would definately go into a remedial writing class asap. Just keep in mind that you must know what you want to say before any one will ever be able to understand you.

Answer 4

the chosen respondent gave you a good lay-out on how to write it better... your sentences tends to be too lengthy and somehow loses the quality of substance in relaying the general idea.

do it more with essence. lay it out with simple yet effective translation. start your short paper with a question. do the paragraph in 3 sets.... a definitive approach on the issue should be the first. the second paragraph (the body) contains the essence. the third and last one, should hold the conclusion.

start with "what is a dream?". or "Can dreams be attained?". tackle the essay in such a manner that would touch your listener.

BTW, i was a contributing writer for the papers before... and i find your paper too light, insufficient substance in all... try more emphasis, will you? and good luck....

Answer 5

I am convinced that he either (1) does not want to offend anyone -- so he is always over analyzing and tripping over his words or (2) does not believe half of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. For that reason -- he speaks haltingly -- because when you are not telling the truth you have to think about what you are about to say. On the other hand -- sometimes he starts down a verbal road and just forgets where the hell he's going.

Answer 6

I don't see room for too much improvement, but I would be disappointed in this "teacher", and would demand from him that HE show me what he as referring to. Yeah, I want to see his interpretation of "sophisticated and intelligent language".

Answer 7

Email it to me and I'll look over it for you.