Stopped drugs about a month ago. At my urging, he started seeing an individual counselor about 2 mths ago & is supposed to start an intensive outpatient program for alcohol/drugs soon(already had intake appt). Thing is, I am 6 mths pregnant with our 2nd child and our 1st is 15 mths. I am also in individual counseling for this. At my counselors urging, I stopped nagging him about his use of these things. It's gotten WORSE! I am having I have tons of emotion (mostly anger and hurt) . He is working and is successful at paying all the bills, etc. He, however, does not know how to support me emotionally (never learned these skills as a child - and is in counseling to help him.) He is an AWESOME father-somehow able to show emotion he cannot show to anyone else. Tonight, after getting home from a business trip which started his drinking binge all over, he is at the bar with his MOTHER, both getting drunk! Should I give him more time or leave before this baby is born? I am looking into Alanon.
2006-09-21 16:50:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you SOOOO much, Shelley W.! You said EVERYTHING I THOUGHT regarding "Danza's" reply! I thought it was rather harsh, as I am 37yo and have waited as long as I could to have kids, so YES, I do know about birth control! I simply adore kids and regardless, knew my "alcoholic" husband would be a good dad, at least because his dad was never around and that he would support me/them. (I am currently a stay-at-home mom so I won't miss any moment of their 1st steps, etc.) Thanks for giving me hope, as well. It helps to know that my prayers can be answered. I mainly wrote this for moral support, as his family (esp. his mom!) enables him to no end, making constant excuses about "that's just how he is, how he's always been" and I FINALLY turned to his mom who lives locally, for emotional support.I feel like she has just stabbed me in the back! When I just had our 1st, she lived with us and they got drunk together as I learned to take care of a newborn! BTW, she DROVE him to her house tonight.
2006-09-21 18:14:30 · update #1
Alcohol is a physical problem only in that once the alcoholic takes a drink, her body reacts differently than other peoples' bodies do, and the phenomenon of craving sets in, and that is when the body cries out for alcohol. As a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, I can tell both you and Danza that the alcoholics body does NOT cry out for alcohol for "the rest of their life." I have been clean and sober since June 29 of 1997, over nine years, and not once in that nine years did my body cry out for alcohol. As long as I don't pick up that first drink, I don't have any physical craving at all. Danza is also wrong about "learning to resist the craving." There is no craving once an alcoholic is detoxed. I suggest Danza educate himself before answering any more questions about alcoholism. Danza, alcoholism is a disease defined by an inability to resist the craving, thus learning to resist it is impossible. Active alcoholics are not weak ; they are ill, and will-power is not a solution. The title page of the 12-step book Alcoholics Anonymous says "The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have RECOVERED From Alcoholism". Alcoholism is a threefold disease, entailing the physical allergy, a mental obsession, and what many call a "spiritual malady." It is the mental obsession with drinking that causes the alcoholic to pick up that first drink, thus setting the craving in action. It is true, Danza, that I will always be an alcoholic, meaning that it will always be the case that if I pick up that first drink, I will lose control of my drinking. I have lost the ability to control my drinking, and I can never regain it. Once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again. However, as I no longer have the mental obsession, it is not true that I constantly have to resist the craving. Nor do I have to "battle my demons" on a daily basis. It is no longer an issue or a problem in my life at all, and I don't even think about it as an option, let alone a craving. This happened to me through 12-step attendance, but I do not make the claim that AA is the only way. Back to the young lady with the alcoholic husband - let's forget about him for now, and take care of you. Stop looking into Alanon, and get your a*s there immediately. That was the best advice you have been given so far from the other responders. Alanon will not help you to change your husband. It will help you to change you. Alanon uses exactly the same 12 steps that AA does. The program is the same. As mentioned by someone already, prayer is helpful, and the 12-steps are considered a spiritual program, but belief in God is not necessary. Get there, it will be explained to you. Living with an active alcoholic is one of the most painful situations a person can find herself/himself in. You need other people who have been through it. Please get yourself some help. You are not alone. AFTER you have started going to meetings, you might try reading any of Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency. Please feel free to email me. I know what I am talking about. And finally, to Danza again, shame on you. It is neither productive nor helpful to ask someone what they were "thinking by having two children with someone who doesn't have his life in order." Excuse me, but life is messy. People fall in love and hope for the best. Anyone who's life is in order is missing the point of living, which is growth and change. Geeze, your self-righteous judgmental attitude is outweighed only by your lack of correct information. Didn't your parents know about birth control ?
2006-09-21 17:46:16 · answer #1 · answered by Hey Polly 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My father is an alcoholic. I think the only way he is going to quit is if he dies. Alcoholism is a disease, they battle it for the rest of their lives. If he is seeking help, he must know he needs it. My mother tried countless times to get my father some help. He wouldn't do it.
Alanon is the best thing for you, but be prepared to hear what you don't want to hear. You may not agree with it, but they will tell you the cold hard truth. It was something my mom hated,to do but did. However, it took her years to realize that what they told her was absolutely the truth!! They are now divorced and it's the best thing my mom ever did. My father never got physically violent, but he could say some really harsh things and make nasty threats.
My father actually quit drinking for about 6 or 7 years. He did really good. Then we moved, he got a new circle of "friends" and it started all over again. Now his friends that got him back into drinking can't even stand to be around him, cause he doesn't know when to leave the bar, they do.
My father wasn't much of a father to us. At least yours is. That will help. If he can realize how important his children are, that will help him get help. As long as he doesn't get violent and mean, try to stick it out, as long as he is seeking help. But if after he has done through it all and he can't stop, GET OUT. It will be the best thing you will ever do. And it may be that leaving will be the slap in the face for him to really clean up. But stand up for yourself and your children. Make sure he knows you will not put up with it. It WILL affect you children if they have to live with an alcohic, I can promise you that. And by the sounds of his mother, it runs in the family. The earlier you get your children away from it the better off they will be as adults.
I have two brothers who are on the same path as my father. It is such a sad vicious cycle.
Good luck, do what you think is best for you and your kids. If he can't come around, he doesn't deserve to have you!!!! Be strong, and don't give into him!!!
2006-09-21 17:13:33 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholism can be a genetic predisposition.
Nagging will not help.
You do not seem in the position to leave right now so seek other options.
Do not be rash.
You are doing a good thing by considering your other options.
But, consider them carefully.
If your husband is good in all other ways, then you have time to figure out how to handle this.
I do not know enough to give you further advice.
I would not stop seeking answers but do not drive your husband off at this time. Best wishes to you.
2006-09-21 16:56:27 · answer #3 · answered by Texas Cowboy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is always hope.
I was an alcoholic and kept my wife pregnant for 3 years straight.
She hung in there and prayed me into the Kingdom of God. Not by herself, but with the help and loveing support from our local church.
Yes, that old run down building just down the street from your house. You don't know how much help is available for you.
Your husband loves you, his problem, is he was never taught "How to love his wife." A man has to teach the boy you married.
Being drunk is only the outer surface of the problem, his character and beliefs are a milestone.
God has changed my life. I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs anymore. I love my wife. I had to learn, "How to love my wife."
Guess what, I'm still not getting it right, but my wife, believes in God, not in me.
I give God the Glory, the honor, and the Praise!
2006-09-21 17:19:47 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sorry your in this screwed up situation I've been married to an alcoholic for 12 years if your in a situation where you can afford to leave then do it now it doesn't get better for you staying in the situation.I had to leave my husband a few times and we went thru the help the promises etc....boy was i dumb to come back and now we have a child together,look if your not happy then leave but if you really love him you'll have to learn to live with an alcoholic and sounds like this man needs to be involved in a christian church but this is when you'll need to come in and decide if you really want to save your marriage and him from killing himself and his mother certainly is not helping she's poison in your lives get her out,I had to get my mother-in law out of our lives she was also engaging in my husbands drinking.there's nothing more anyone can say you have some big decisions to make Good luck to you and your child and the baby on the way.
2006-09-21 17:19:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sure got yourself into one helluva fix, didn't yu darlin. Just what were you thinking when you married this dopehead, anyway? That you were going to change him
Listen to your counselor. Go to Al anon.
But tonight, call the domestic abuse hotline or someone, and get outta there. Don't go back until he is clean for at least 6 months!
He has an addictive personality, and to stay clean, will have to fight his demons every day of his life. You want to stay in that?
2006-09-21 17:33:16 · answer #6 · answered by seeitmiway32 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think giving time will hurt. Your husband needs your help. He is a sick person and needed your support. At a time like this, leaving him will aggravate your problem. I know its not easy but anyone deserves a second chance. Support him in anyway you can, don't give up on him, perhaps you are the only one who could save him .
2006-09-21 17:12:07 · answer #7 · answered by dtmc542006 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a wife of an alcoholic anonymous I can tell you that nothing is going to help him, unless he really wants to admit he is got a problem.
Prayer helps more than what you would think, it with faith.
If he is not violent and aggressive at you and your children, and if you love him, just stick with him, he will change after he hits rock bottom.
God bless you.
2006-09-21 16:58:34 · answer #8 · answered by Mother of three 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What were you thinking, having two children with a man who does not have his life in order? Haven't you heard of birth control?
However what's done is done, and you'll have to live with it. Yes, definitely join Alanon, and follow their advice. You probably already know that alcoholics are never cured, because it is a physical addiction and their bodies are constantly crying out for the alcohol for the rest of their lives. All they can do is learn to resist the craving.
Your husband may just be having a "final fling" before going into rehab. Haven't you ever pigged out on cheesecake because you're about to go on a diet?
2006-09-21 16:57:51 · answer #9 · answered by Kylie 3 · 1⤊ 4⤋
look sweetheart i went true this and if you're looking for is attention you will never get it. and if he get drunk with his own
mother it mean she hate you to . it will be hard to leave but you will survive and if you stay then you will have an extra kid to look after.don't waste it on him because is not thinking about you
tonight drunk in a bar full of woman...take care please
it never get better only the lies seemed real
apple
2006-09-21 17:06:19 · answer #10 · answered by apple 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋