We have a son who is five and a half, and my husband seems to do a lot of things for him that he can do for himself. He is already a shy child who lacks confidence, and I worry that by doing everything for him my husband is exacerbating the situation. From what I understand, confidence comes from learning that you are capable of doing things for yourself. For example, tonight my son had to draw a snake for "homework." He kept crying that he didn't know how and refused to do it. I would have given him some pointers and maybe drawn a sample for him, but that's all. My husband, after much whining and crying on our son's part, actually ended up drawing a dotted-line version of the snake and had my son trace it. Am I being too "hard" about all of this, or do I have a legitimate concern here?
2006-09-21 13:39:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds like you have a very legitimate concern. Every time he steps in and does it for your little boyit erodes your son's confidence and tells him that he needs help because he's not capable or smart or strong enough to push through his fear. It also tells him that he has to do it perfectly, which my guess is is one of his fears. That if it's not perfect then it's not OK so he's scared to try. It also sets up a good cop bad cop dynamic between you and your husband which isn't fair to you or to your son. If he knows he can manipulate dad and you're the bad guy it makes him feel less safe ultimately, not more.
This is a serious enough problem that I would suggest employing the services of a family counselor to help your husband see that his attempt at being loving is really harmful and not loving and probably has more to do with some unresolved issues in his own childhood. This isn't just a difference
in parenting styles and you are right to be concerned. But as in anything, the way to deal with this issue with your husband is with love and patience not fear and criticism. There's something going on for him so have compassion for the little boy inside of him that probably didn't get any help from parents. Or something. You sound like a loving family and that's the way to solve the problem. With love.
2006-09-21 15:14:25 · answer #1 · answered by madreluvsu 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are right you are right to worry that your husband is over doing it. Your son needs to learn on his own because if this pattern continues then your son will always expect your husband to bail him out of trouble when he gets older. NOt only that it will cause problems between you and your husband later on. I would highly suggest that you sit down with your husband and say we need to talk now. Tell him how you feel about what is happening. Now your son understands when he has a hard time that all he has to do is whine and cry and daddy will come to the rescue and that is not good. I have three sons believe me i know. I refuse to do t hings for them. My sons ages are 12, 14 and 19 i told them all you need to learn for yourself now they can cook, clean or whatever they need to do because they know i wont do it for them. I will teach my sons, i will do whatever i can to help them but under no circumstances will i do their work for them. I know the teachers would agree too. Nip this in the bud now otherwise you will regret it when your son becomes older. ok
2006-09-21 14:00:00 · answer #2 · answered by firey_spirit_66 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right, he is babying him. He needs to let him do the stuff he can do himself. Your son whines constantly when he's around because he knows eventually he will give in. I would sit down and talk to your husband and express your concerns to him, when your sons not around. Maybe when it comes time for your sons conferences, you should bring this up with his teacher and see what his teacher says. Good Luck!
2006-09-21 13:52:43 · answer #3 · answered by ajsad36 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a very good cause for concern. You are correct in your thinking. You son has already learned that he doesn't have to do anuthing himself, Dad will bail him out. Biggest way to have a child fail in school is by dad doing his homework. Dad needs to cut the apron strings and make his son grow up. He wont be able to do his SATS when he is older.
2006-09-21 13:44:39 · answer #4 · answered by whirlwind_123 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think hubby did what most would do, enough with the whining and he just did it for him. THOUGH...........it is not encouraging him to do it for himself. Yes, i believe the way for the child to become more confident is they need encouragement and to be a bit more independent. He is old enough to be able to make some decisions for himself and to learn on his own while you both cheer him on!! How about team sports?? I always think this is a great way for them to "come into their own! "
NO, you have a valid point.
Good luck !
2006-09-21 13:58:49 · answer #5 · answered by Michele S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he did what alot of us men would have done just to stop it. But youre absolutely right. Sounds like its just something more to talk to hubby about and talk "united front" with him from now on. Things will be cool...must be the first son cause the next one has it harder. Its a temper tantrum nothing more...hubby messed up, oops.
2006-09-21 16:27:31 · answer #6 · answered by Johnny 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are right but make shore you are being age appropriate with you demands ,don't make him grow up too fast but your husband is stopping him from growing up ,the middle road is the best.
2006-09-21 13:49:17 · answer #7 · answered by stephanie n 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, but he probably has good intentions.
If your husband tries to do it instead of asking your son if he needs help, then maybe you sould talk to him.
2006-09-21 13:45:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girls do you like pretty boys?
2017-03-27 12:29:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband took the easy way out, give your husband a time-out and see if that helps.
2006-09-21 13:43:43 · answer #10 · answered by live2ride 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋