The "father" of my kids lives in FL with his new wife (1300 miles from his kids) he nvr calls writes and only sees them 1 or 2X a yr. He will be moving about 13 hrs away next month and I am infuriated to think that this behavior will continue. My kids (4 and 6 yrs old) don't call him Dad or really care about him and have learned on their own that they can't expect anything from him (despite me trying to get them to talk about him, i nvr say anything bad!) My ? is the next time he is here do I confront him about the wonderful relationship that he is destroying, not to mention the heartache they are going to feel as teenagers and adults as they realize there father doesnt care about them?
PS...I have a great boyfriend who adores them and whom they call Daddy.
Thank you for yoour help!
2006-09-21 13:03:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you all for some great opinions. Just to clear a few things up, he has only seen my youngest a handful of times and rarely refers to him, usually it just my daughter. He has expressed his displeasure with the kids calling someone else Daddy, but they did it on their own, so I wasn't going to correct it :) He DOES pay child support (the minimium even tho he makes a good buck in the Navy) To answer a more ridiculous question; we aren't married because there are more important things to spend our money on at this point: clothes for our kids, saving for a house, keeping up a car that we share, etc.
Again thanks ALL!
2006-09-22 00:09:19 · update #1
Also just so u all know he has told me he is uncomfortable with another man being called Daddy and I've told him that it is just too bad because for all purposes (physical, emotional and financial) he IS a Dad to them......
2006-09-23 13:58:06 · update #2
Yes. As their mother who is concerned about the relationship the kids have with their father, you can only say what's on your mind. That doesn't mean that things will change, but at least you can find some peace of mind knowing that you did address the issue. It's up to the father if he's going to rectify the situation or not. While it still may be an issue with the kids when they're older, it won't be as much of a problem knowing that they had a strong, loving, caring mother who helped them and was there for them even if their father was not.
2006-09-21 13:09:31 · answer #1 · answered by baybeegrl5 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What you want to do is express anger, and resasonably so, but to do so directly to this guy who doesn't have a clue would only add to the alienation between him and the kids.
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear no matter how much you beat up on it. If you need to unload, do it to a minister or counsellor or some trusted but uninvolved party where there will not be repercussions to family ties that are already weak.
You do need to deal with this, because while you are doing the right thing in trying not to be negative about him to the kids. the anger you still keep inside has a way of being picked up by the children. It puts them in a hard position dealing with their own feelings.
It's wonderful you have a good guy in your life who carea about the kids. But old fashioned as this sounds, if he's so great and you both care about these kids, why not offer them the stability of a married set of parents?
2006-09-21 13:13:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Speaking as someone in the same boat. My children are 8 and 10. There dad always wants them during the summer, but never calls or sends gifts the rest of the year. All they want is to be parttime dads. Build your relationship with the kids and let them know you love them. Talk to him about it only if he will not start a huge fight. You don't want a lot of tension around the babies.
2006-09-21 13:06:40 · answer #3 · answered by soulmatedp 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should tell him that he can have a good or a bad relationship with the kids, but if he wants a good one then the time to act is now. If your boyfriend is a permanent fixture in your life then your children will get a more positive roll model from him then from a Dad who doesn't care.
2006-09-21 13:09:13 · answer #4 · answered by 2 Ocean Notion 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Screw him!! You don't need to tell him anything because he knows already. He knows what the consequences are. Let him continue being a dead beat. I'm in the same situation. My son's father is doing the same crap. He don't do a damn thing for his son, but I don't care because my husband gives him all the love he needs and as far as I know a father is not who made the child is who raises the child. Good luck.
2006-09-21 13:22:43 · answer #5 · answered by M & M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have an ex wife who took my kids and moved to Alaska. I live in Georgia. She did this because it was the only way that she could get back at me for the hate she feels for me. I've tried to be a part of my kids lives for the last 10 years, but the barriers that she puts in my way have ruined my relationship with my kids. Don't ever close the door to your ex husband. Someday, he may come to his senses, and he'll need to be a part of your children's lives.
2006-09-21 13:11:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My ex is just like that ,just get on with your life ,don't do anything to stop him seeing your kids but you cant make him be a good dad ,your kids will know the truth from watching how he treats them and they will be hurt but it is not your fault and you cant change it ,I wrote to my ex and told him how I felt about him hurting them and he did improve for a while but its got to come from him or it wont work.If your home is stable and happy ,then you are doing the best for them.just don't force things with the boyfriend ,let the kids form their own relationship with him ,they will if he is good with them,and there is not any stress on them to love him or replace their father.my kids have a great relationship with my husband ,they don't call him dad but they love him more that the dead beet dad they have.
2006-09-21 13:18:24 · answer #7 · answered by stephanie n 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do is take him where he can see the kids, and ask him why he doesnt want to be involved in their lives. Tell him they are happy with your husband but it would mean the WOrld to them to have a "father" they could trust and love. Just see why he doesnt want them in the picture.
2006-09-21 13:11:34 · answer #8 · answered by blondemom133 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW AS USUAL SOME GOOD ANSWERS FULL OF MAN HATE AND LACK IN FAITH . some times men feel like they scewed things up so bad that things arebetter off . it's hard to imagine the one you love with someone its even harder to know your kids are calling somone daddy . talk to him find out whats going on in his brain . he may not have this great plan on how to stay out of your life . he may feel like a failure and doesn't want his kids to be that way to . it may not be rational but men are rarly rational when it comes to a divorce or onther man being called daddy . and just for the man hatters out there yes i do believe if talking to him doesn't work screw him and let the guy who wants to step up step up.
2006-09-21 20:29:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I HONESTLY DOUBT THAT YOU CAN CHANGE HIS WAY OF THINKING. HOW SAD THAT SO MANY FATHERS MISS OUT ON THEIR CHILDREN GROWING UP.
JUST REASSURE THE CHILDREN THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND ALWAYS WILL. YOU KNOW THAT ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BAD MOUTHING YOUR EX TO YOUR CHILDREN, I HAVE SEEN THAT BACKFIRE BIG TIME. WHEN THE KIDS GET OLDER THEY WILL FIGURE IT ALL OUT.
I WOULD PERSONALLY BE HAPPY THAT HE WAS NOT GOING TO BE AROUND, I WOULDN'T WANT MY KIDS TO BE INFLUENCED BY SOMEONE WITH SO LITTLE CHARACTER.
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE A GREAT BOYFRIEND, BE THANKFUL THAT THERE IS A MALE ROLE MODEL.
LET HIM GO. WHY SHOULD YOU BE THE ONE TRYING TO TALK HIM INTO SPENDING TIME WITH HIS KIDS?
GOOD LUCK
2006-09-21 13:21:25 · answer #10 · answered by sunshine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋