So my husband and I have been trying to work it out. He doesn't know that I cheated but we both agreed there was a problem and we ignored it. Now he thinks everything should be fine just after a few days. We always end up argueing over sex, but it is alway him . He doesn't realize it dead for us a long time ago and we won't get it right back, but if he keepts pushing the issue for it the less I would want to do it. He says we should just seperate before things get out of hand. I somewhat agree but there is so much a stake I would just stay because of it. For one we have a daughter and I would have to end up moving back to the state we came from. I just don't know what to do.
*We have both brought up things that we kept to ourselves that upset us or we didn't like about the other, and we both were shocked. Please help.
2006-09-21 12:46:45 · 26 answers · asked by Lady Dee 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Go. I'm going through a similar thing right now with my second marriage. I cheated a couple of times a little over a year ago. He doesn't have a clue and I want out, but he is ignoring my request. I have 2 children from my first marriage, so I understand why you are hesitant to leave. If you cheated, you will cheat again because your needs are not being met. It will be easier to get out before you get caught. Don't tell him about the affair, it will only make things dirtier. Just get out as clean as you can.
2006-09-21 12:51:33 · answer #1 · answered by soulmatedp 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This might sound awful but as long as there is no physical abuse or addictions and as long as the adultery stops, think of your little girl. Don't put her through a divorce, that is harder on children then it is on the parents. I would just put on a happy face and let her think that everything is alright and stay together. Then if you still feel the same way when she is 18 then you can divorce. It will still be hard on her, but at least she will have a say in what happens in her life. Hopefully at that point she won't feel that she has to choose between her parents. Who knows, maybe you can work it out in the mean time, maybe not. But I would really think of how this will hurt her when she is minor and has no choices in the matter.
I would say find a good marriage counselor soon. One who will not take sides, but will really takle the problem. Ladies Home Journal has a really inspiring article every issue, called "Can this Marriage be saved" In most cases the marriages work out and they deal with a myriad of problems. I would suggest seeing if you could get your hands on some of those articles I have read some dealing with Adultery. They usually end up putting the problem on both spouses rather than just the one, and they both make changes that help their marriage thrive.
If it weren't for your daughter, I would take a different stand. But you have to think of her.
Good luck to you.
2006-09-21 19:59:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe this answer begins with several other questions:
1. Do you love, I mean, really unconditionally love, your husband?
2. Does your husband really love you, and how do you know?
3. Are you able to forgive, first yourself, and then, him for whatever is past?
4.Once you have forgiven yourself, if you can, and him, if you can, are you prepared to sit with him and begin working out the differences so your relationship can be strengthened?
5. Are you willing and able to sacrifice some of what you consider important for some of the things he considers important?
6. Are you prepared to become the best wife he could ever dream about without sacrificing your total personality in the process?
7. Will you ask him these same questions?
If you answered "yes" 7 times, then take these questions to him and if he answers "yes" 7 times, both of you are on track and have the basic materials you need to build a strong foundation for your marriage.
If either of you answer "no" to any of those seven questions, you should understand that you're probably not ready to be married to each other.
Have a good day1
2006-09-21 20:01:19 · answer #3 · answered by mcjordansr 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess the first thing to ask yourself is do you still love him? Now don't answer to quickly really think about it. What attracted you to him in the first place? Do you still sometimes have those feelings....if not what went wrong? You BOTH must sit down and talk...not yell, argue, fight but talk about the things that you still love about each other and the things that drive you nuts. As for the affair that's a tough one telling the truth is usally the best in any relationship as that is the bond of trust. However only you know how he would react to being told. And by telling him what would be gained? Would he feel better knowing and beable to forgive? Or would it be the final straw in your relationship. I wish you luck
2006-09-21 19:59:46 · answer #4 · answered by oldman 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW! Except for the cheating thing you did sounds like my situation. My husband and I have decided to separate. He thinks it will only be a separation for 6 months but once we move to our different locations I am filing for divorce. I dont' believe in separation I think they are a waste of time and this is what he wants not I. He is the one that goes out and parties and takes trips, stays on the phone all night with other women etc. I amjust not the one to let him be out of this relationship for 6 months to do what he wants and then come back like everythings a okay. And have to hear about how perfect he was. Please. If you can't fix it end it. I have two daughters and we will me just fine. He can be single I don't have time for the nonsense.
2006-09-21 19:53:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anjanette A 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have you sought professional marriage counseling?
Marriages take time to fall apart. Its not unexpected that they will take time to put back together. This is something that he needs to realize. As for you cheating on him when things were bad (I assume), I have no idea what you should do about that. I guess it mostly matters if it is going to effect how you interact with your husband. Sometimes not telling is kinder to the other person. Sometimes its imperative to come clean about ALL the mistakes.
This is why you need to seek a marriage counselor. Someone who will see each of you separately and then together, so that you can work on strategies for putting everything back together.
Do you go to church? Can you get help through that organization? Some employers actually provide different types of counseling through their benefits since an employee with problems at home effects their bottom line. I know my employer offers counseling services.
Good luck and Goddess Bless. I hope you can both work something out!
2006-09-21 19:56:47 · answer #6 · answered by crazygodddesss 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Be honest with each other first, even about your affair. That hanging over your head may be the reason you don't want to have sex with your husband. Sex will only be dead between you and your husband if you want it that way. You need to decide what you want from your marriage. If you want it more spicy and romantic make it happen. Talk to your husband about what he likes and what you like....Communicate.
Arguing....believe it or not is one way to work through things and its usually caused by something that is really important to both of you or you wouldn't bother with it.
Figure out what you need in your marriage to make it work, discuss this with your husband and see what he thinks the marriage needs, come to a middle ground and agree together to do it or not to do it.
Good luck to you.
2006-09-21 20:01:42 · answer #7 · answered by Julie W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time to move on......especially before he finds out that you cheated on him. Then the fireworks will really fly. Speaking as a guy, we are not as forgiving as women are if our mate cheated on us.
If it isn't working out, why stick around and make both of your lives miserable? No amount of marriage counseling is going to bring you two closer. And I'm sorry but sounds to me like your daughter should stay with him. Why should your daughter be uprooted because of your infidelities?
Just get out of there and move on. Make a fresh start, wipe the slate clean (sorry for the cliches).
But seriously, at this point, that's the only normal, healthy thing to do.
2006-09-21 20:09:28 · answer #8 · answered by Ed A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless you changed the vows, when you got married you pledged 'for better or worse'. I know it may seem dead at the moment but there is hope for your marriage. Go to www.rejoiceministries.org and read the thousands of testimonies or marriage restoration from the most hopeless situations. Start standing for your marriage now while the going is not so bad, it will be much harder later down the track. And think of what it will do to your daughter. You will be giving her the message that when the going gets tough you give up as well as inflicting all the other pain seperation and divorce cause to children.
2006-09-21 19:54:22 · answer #9 · answered by angelvic_83 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Have you tried going to marriage counseling? You shouldn't stay in any marriage just because you have kids. That's wrong! And why would you have to move back to the state that you came from? Can't you stay where you are now? See you need to sit down and really think about a lot of things. But moving away doesn't seem like it's necessary to me. But if you are growing further apart, then I would definitely get a divorce.
2006-09-21 19:57:34 · answer #10 · answered by ajsad36 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋