Please tell me if you were in my situation what you will do?

Question

To me, it seems an arranged marriage from my mom. He is my mom's favorite student. I loved him before and proud to have him since he was a top quality man in our world. In fact, our marriage isn't so good for 20 years, As he betrayed me in our beginning by having affair with a girl, but I forgave him as he said will make up me, the marriage still no good these years that due to he's disrespect me. My emotional separation from him happened and I suffered for years. We broke up some times. Until I left him for another man in Nov 05, he woke up and knowing that he has been unfair to me for years, but he tried to kill himself. So I came back to him and I still care about him. Now he's trying his best for me, but I couldn't love him again. Because everything had changed after all. But I'm worry that does he will kill himself again if go?
I have a story on my page http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-.1D8ZsM8erQzBETkA1iUS_ABtSSpjg--;_ylt=AsNQfoy35Yj4TVZXaOolTzWkAOJ3?cq=1
My questions here:
Should I stay or should I go? What's the morality between my choices? Can I stay in a broken marriage if my love for him is gone? Do I have any responsibilities for my husband and my son (he is 22)? Is that fair if I force myself stay in this marriage?
What can I do, if he said he can't live without me? Does he will kill himself again if I go? What can I do if he really tries his best for me? Do I need give him another chance? How about if I can’t love him again? How can I deal with my choice: a stable life with my husband or an insecurity life with my boyfriend? How can I deal with if I’m afraid of to be independent woman?


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Answer 1

Go. It's not a healthy relationship for YOU. Make a choice to not to be afraid and move on with your life.

Killing himself would only be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. His choice not yours. Thus, no reason for you to feel the guilt.

First of all, you always have a choice—in every situation in life. If you are finding yourself in situations where you think you do not, then you’re missing something vital. If that’s your situation, then before you focus on choices, it would probably be worthwhile to explore the reasons you’re not seeing yours.

Every day, every moment—life hands us choices. It’s up to us to make them wisely and make them work for us. If you’re unhappy with your life or a particular situation you find yourself in, then it’s in your best interest to examine the choices you’ve been making up to this point and start making better ones. In other words, if you’re unhappy with any situation in your life—start making better choices!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . And THIS should be yours.

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are not Cinderella and he is not Prince Charming and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Remember .... even when you believe you don’t have a choice, you do.

Be your own best friend, lobbyist, and advocate by making choices that work for you. After all, no one has more at stake in you than you. People with complicated lives are not someone you just need to get to know better because you see so much potential in them. They are risks—big risks. If you can play the game and lose and be all right with it, go for it. If not, continue your search.

Life is all about choices. We make them everyday, moment by moment. If you need to protect yourself and not go certain places, don’t. It’s that simple. Don’t set yourself up to go down a path you can neither afford to travel nor one you would have difficulty navigating. Yes, you might have to spend some lonely times in your own company and wonder again why you’re the only person in the group that doesn’t have a partner. However, the alternative could be much worse than you could imagine. And don’t make choices when you’re feeling lonely, impatient, or desperate. Wait until you’re in a better frame of mind.

You’re the only person who can truly look out for you and make sure that all of your needs are being fulfilled. Do it. You’ll be glad you did. It’s been said many times before: Life is what you make it.

Answer 2

Regardless of why you got married... You have been married a long time. Marriage is hard work that involves a lot of commitment, forgiveness and changing on both parts. You have a lot of stuff to overcome if your marriage will work. With God helping both of you you can work this out and be stable and in love. the thing is if you both want it to work. You must realize another man is not the answer. You shouldnt be in a relationship just for stability. You need counseling - both of you. You need to learn to have confidance in yourself and your abilities. Your husband needs to work on how he treats you. And you both need to not use manipulation on each other. No other relationship would be perfect because no one person is perfect. Get help and see if there is any way to salvage what you have but dont jump into something else just to escape it is not fair to anyone. If you must leave start a life without a man until things are stable and you can make clear decisions.

Kathy

Answer 3

I thank you have suffered enough. You need to get on with your life. Does your happiness mean anything? It should! There is no need in you being unhappy because your afraid of what your husband might do if you leave. He is a big guy, he knows whats right and wrong. As for you loving him, you can still love him, and be his friend forever. But you don't have to stay married to him. I thank there is different kinds of love, and you don't have the kind of love for him that you should for a man you are married to. Now..As for you son, he's old enough to get over a divorce with his parents. I have younger children, and i got divorced. and there dealing fine with it, they see that i'm happier. Which makes them happier. Only you can answer you question. and that question is "Do you deserve to be happy?"

Answer 4

You have done your part and duty.
Your son will understand that you have to be happy and learn to work daily through situations.
Your ex.....He has some really maturing to do. You cannot be held responsible if he do anything....making a fist , yelling, pulling out hair.......or anything to himself. Many states and laws are able to jail him and send him to court and couseling for....anger management and emotional stress towards you.
He needs help.. he is trying to say he wants you back, but is doing a poor manly job at that.

Be true to yourself. Be strong and independent. Teach your son by your actions that to be happy.... you must not take the blame of others actions.

Your ex- is very weak....don't help him be codepending on you.
Pre-arrangement is okay for a period of time , then it is up to the couple to make it work out.
Run , my friend, run........

Answer 5

Marriage is important, but your heart is what drives you. You need to make your self happy, or no one around you will be happy. Clear your mind, close your eyes. Try to separate what you think from how you feel. Now, what does your heart tell you to do? You already have the answer, you just need to fallow threw. And NO you are not responsible for an others actions, if he is suicidal, he needs help.

Answer 6

You need to leave. Maybe you can call a hospital or police and tell them he's tried to kill himself before and someone can get him help. In any case, don't let it be your worry or concern, or on your conscious if he does try to kill himself again. He's selfish and there is nothing you can do about that. You need to be happy.

Answer 7

Leave. Suicide attempts are almost always a means of gaining sympathy or controlling another. If he really wanted to die he would have died. He is using the threat of suicide to control you. Don't let him do that to you. make a life for yourself. He'll be fine and if he isn't it is by his own choice and is not your fault or responsibility.

Answer 8

You shouldn't stay with someone out of guilt. It's not good for you. He is holding you hostage, by saying that he will kill himself. He needs help and you need to move on.

Answer 9

he appears to want his cake and eat it too.sounds like he doesn't want to be there but on the other hand doesn't want you to be with any one else. tell him to get help. my ex told me that he was going to kill himself. i told him to act like he had some sense and walked off. as for your son, does he know how his dad is acting or does he put on a good show in front of him?. think of yourself, don't you think 20 years of being unhappy is long enough? good luck

Answer 10

go go go as far way as you can he will only bring you down the only reason he tried to kill him self is to con troll you been there done that it sucks to think i wasted 15 years of my life and yes i do love him i am not in love with him . just do before you are stuck

Answer 11

Go and if he kills himself then he kills himself. So be it. The end. Continue with your life and see how it goes with the boyfriend. Live your life.

ect