My son has been defiant for a number of years. His father has been in and out of his life. They are a lot alike. I think they would relate to each other better while I can't relate to my son nor put up with his defiance despite counseling and behavior modification. I decided today it would be best if he lives with his father, while his sister - 6 - stays with me. His behavior is causing my parenting to be not so good with my girl. HERE'S THE BIG QUESTION...I need some cases or example where emotionally/behavioral sons go live with their father while the sibling that is a girl stays with mom. Mom and daughter have a good relationship. Son and Mom used to have a good relationship, until he got competition for his whole life from his sister (Jealous). My son has no empathy and doesn't care if his actions contribute to deterroration of the home and both kids be removed by social services. He will exaggerate and manipulate to stay out of trouble, even when he's not really in trou
2006-09-21 07:28:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
is the father in agreement? It actually might be a good idea, you can get visitation on the weekend, maybe while your daughter goes to see her father. That way you can give him a little one on one...something he seems to really be asking for. Its tough being the only child for 7 years and then along comes a baby, taking away all his quality time with mom. Maybe before you do it (since you seem hesitant) try having a 'date night' with him once a week. Just you and your son (get a babysitter for your daughter) and go do something together. Let him know that you DO love him very much and that you want whats best for him. Give it some time and I bet he will start acting differently. Its tough being a kid experiencing divorce, father leaving him and now mom talking about leaving him.
Good luck!!
2006-09-21 07:48:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't be afraid to be the boss. You son needs to understand who's boss, and that he can't play you like that. Don't be afraid to punish and ground him for his actions. Try to also keep your daughter away from any situations, so that she is not present so that it won't affect your daughter in any way. Try and talk with your son instead of yelling (not saying you do). Tell him you don't appreciate what he does, and that if he continues, that there will be some consequences.
Giving him to his father, will probably worsen things for him! Seeing that you have said that his father has been in and out of his life, and then giving your son to him, there's a chance of him ignoring his behavior's and letting him do what he wants, becoming worse than he already is. Don't give up!
Love is tough. Get him counselling if you believe he needs it. The comment above about it possibly being your parenting, is slightly true, but it's also definitely the seperation of you and his father. He may not tell you that, but only through his behaviors you can tell that somethings wrong. He's rebelling.
Just try different ways of approaching him when he's acting out, and don't be afraid to use discipline. Let him know how you feel, and what you don't appreciate, and if he could try a little harder to be a better son. Good Behavior = Rewards (not just objects, but praise), and Bad Behavior = Discipline/Consequences.
2006-09-21 07:45:53 · answer #2 · answered by xportuguesax 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the boy's father is not a good parent , it would be a huge mistake -in that it would be like throwing him to the wolves for behaving badly . While your situation sounds potentially harmful in many ways , the boy needs something . Some reasons he's probably defiant could be the fact that he's just this "problem" that interferes with you and his little sister ( thus, the jealousy ) ; combined with the fact that his dad is "in and out" of his life . He's only 13 . That age is the tip of the ice-berg for defiant behavior . They all go thru it . Boys AND girls . If his dad wants him , and loves him , then you have to do what's best for your son . Kids do manipulate to stay out of trouble ; but when you say "no empathy" ...for wanting to keep himself out of trouble ..it does sound as tho you have reached the end of your rope . Sending him away with anything less than love , is going to scar the boy for life .Knowing his mom would not "put up with him " is going to start him off elsewhere with a chip on his shoulder and an axe to grind ; so , talk softly to him and get his opinion , too . He's just a boy . It's a tough decision for a mom to make - but when you do it out of love it's for the best .
2006-09-21 09:38:45 · answer #3 · answered by missmayzie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Send him on the Maury Povich show and have them take him to boot camp. Or do your own style of bootcamp at home. But if you take him to another bootcamp then you need to be sure to be tough on him when he gets home too. Otherwise he'll fall back into his old ways. But before going that route. Do something else.
Right now I am guessing that you YELL at him a lot? Am I right? If so, DON'T. A kid like him will block it out and then you are only teaching him that that type of behavior is okay. Sit down with him DAILY and have talks with him. Tell him that he should love his sister, protect her, and be a responsible role model for her, make it for him be a fun thing to be a big brother. Tell him how much it hurts you that he doesn't respect you and his sister. Be gentle while talking. Say, "calmly" if you can't respect the rules of my house you will need to leave my house and live with your father. (Which you need to write on a board and go by them EVERYDAY) so that it is known for sure what the rules are.. (Also, let him know that you think he will have a much better and more rewarding life living with you because you love and care about him) You need to give him affection even if he doesn't want it, hug him daily, treat him equal to his sister. Do family game night, eat dinners together, have him help cook with you. Bake cookies together, go kick a soccer ball or shoot hoops with him so that he knows that you CARE about him and accept him. Any kid can grow up to be a good kid if they have structure in their life. I am only 19 but I had structure in my life for awhile from my stepdad, but my mom never showed me love and it hurt my heart so bad. I don't think I would have gotten through it had my stepdad not showed interest and believed in me when I was young.
P.S. - You don't want him to stay with the father. Sounds like the father is a loser. Not being in the childs life in the first place? Your son will just grow up to be the man who left you in this mess. Challenge yourself. You can do this and you will be so proud when he is a grown up respectful son.
2006-09-21 07:47:27 · answer #4 · answered by sac_baby_girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whew! Some hard advisers today! Don't let them get you down.
Please understand that at his age a lot of the behavior you are going through is "normal." Apparently, you have been the counseling route. It bothers me that your ex has been "in and out of his life." I do not believe that you should send him to his father without committments from the both of them that it is forever. If you think it is bad now, wait until the kid starts acting like a bouncing ball! I hope that there are some people with practical experience out there who can help you. I am just not feeling right about the move being a healthy one for him.
2006-09-21 07:43:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't immediately assume that sending him to live with a similar personality type is the best solution. Realize that you are dealing with a TEENAGER! Having worked with youth in counseling for many years, they go through years of behaviors that are helping them to establish themselves as independent people. Parents are frustrated by these behaviors, but they will occur with your ex as well. By sending him to a situation where these behaviors are demonstrated by your ex as acceptable, your son may only become worse. If the situation is harmful to your family or to your son, continue to look for additional resources to help you. If his father has not been around, then he already doesn't have your son's interests at heart anyway. Don't give up, your son is worth fighting for!
2006-09-21 08:19:44 · answer #6 · answered by Sooner44 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We had a similar situation. My husband has a son from a previous marriage. He lived with us full time for about 6 yrs. while his mother lived overseas. He was violent and angry and didn't respond to counsiling or anything else we tried. He was angry about his mom not being around. He went to go live with her 2 weeks ago. Don't feel bad or that you are giving up on him if you send him to live with his dad. It may be the best thing for him and it certainly sounds like it would be the best thing for your daughter. If it doesn't work out, at least he will probably learn something from the experience. It is a difficult thing to do, but sometimes there is nothing else to do.
2006-09-21 08:11:12 · answer #7 · answered by Mandy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are still harboring bad feeling towrad the dad.. and since you see him in your son, maybe you parenting style is making this obivous.. also, but the sounds of you it favor your duaghter as well.. he is probably sense this as well.. it's hard on a kid to know his mother doesn't care for him much and prefer his sibling. They don't know what to do with it.. so they act out..
Maybe you need to do some private counseling yourself as well. These types of issues are generally a family problem not a only a child problem... If you cannot manage to treat your children relatively equally, it may be better for him to live with his father, if he is able to care for his son.
2006-09-21 07:40:55 · answer #8 · answered by limgrn_maria 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having him go and live with his father at this time is a bad idea. You need to handle the problem not hide it believe me it will come back the haunt you. Try and talk to him and find out what the problem is Tell him that you don't want to loose his love it means a lot to you. And is there any way we together can work this out. Sending him to his father will tell him that you don't want him. And you do like his sister better then him.
2006-09-24 08:13:20 · answer #9 · answered by robert d 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was your 13 year old, and after life with Dad (mostly on my own) I realized my Mom was the true parent and the one that really cared for me. It may take a while but hang in there I'm sure the older your son gets the smarter he'll be and eventually realize what took me a few years to learn.
2006-09-21 07:43:45 · answer #10 · answered by Marc O 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋