My mom dosen't accept me. What should I do?

Question

I told my mom I was a lesbian a while back and she dosen't want me to tell anyone about it. I am in college but she is paying for it and she is getting me a car. While I was in class today, she text my and said, "get that lesbian sh*t of myspace right now." She called me later and said that it would upset my grandparents if they found out because they see me as the perfect grandchild. I don't want to hide who I am and I don't want to risk my college education. I plan on transferring to another college out of the city for next semester so I will not have to deal with her. I was wondering what I should do until then? I need advice on how I should deal with this.

Answer 1

Play the game....do what you have to do get your college education...then once you have that and a good job....tell them all to F off.

Sometimes you have to the "play the game" in life to get ahead and what you want.....you will learn that as you get older. It's taken alot for me to accept that...I wished I would have taken the advice when it was given to me back then.

Answer 2

Jewel,

Heres a bit of avice from a Dad who recently found out his daughter is dating a girl. All your life parents, grandparents etc see their little girl one way. You may not realize it but your mom has probably thought of your wedding day since you were 2. Her grandchildren etc. All of that is normal for a parent to think about-we all do-

Now you come out to her. First I appreciate the fact that you did. You have to be honest about who you are. However give Mom a break-for 18-20 or however number of years she thought of you in a certain way and imagined certain things about your future. Your mom probably did not hear you say im a lesbian-she heard "ma -there will be no wedding, no children, no granchildren and all your plans for me-POOF gone"--

I would think that is normal-so if your mom is asking you to drop some stuff on myspace-and to be a little discrete, it really is not a lot to ask-nor to give her. You would normally try to make your parents comfortable about some things-so why not this.....She knows your a Lesbian--give it time-It is not fair to think a parent has to accept it right away or embrace it. They should be civil, not harm you etc-but to be a 100% ok with it will take time-

DO I wish my daughter was straight? Honestly I dont care--I think in life it is easier and more accepting to be straight than not- Tthat says more about us than any of you---I want for my daughter what I am sure your mother wants for you- that is to be happy-to be kind and to find that special someone that makes it all possible--GIve her time-----She will come round-or if not-well you love her anyway-because she will never stop loving you

Answer 3

First of all I think you should be ready for one BIG emotional scene. You really need to confront her on this issue and make her feel/realize that this is you. Don't back down on the grandparents issue. In fact contact your grandparents yourself.
You are still PERFECT.

After the HUGE SCENE, you should not respond to her for several weeks (but it depends on what has been said). If she is a normal person/mother, she will soon start to worry about you. As long as you haven't really hurt her. So don't hurt her, just make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that you are lesbian and there's nothing in the world is going to change that.
If you do have money problems, check out the grandparents and tell them your woes.

Answer 4

Are you just living with your mom? You did not mention about your dad's feeling; only your grandparents.
I have a nephew who even before graduating from high school, made this disclosure to his parents, Her father was very sad and silent about this and the mother took the courage to tell only few of her sisters (there are 6 sisters and five brothers in the family) after about five days of silence. What the boy worried about is the reaction from the big close knit family of Catholic conservatives. (98% of the family are actively involve in the chruch activities. I am one of the 2% who is not)
Now, he is in College and have been opened with everybody bringing his boy friend to the party. No one did make any big issue about it and he is accepted for being like that. As you mentioned in your letter, he too is a perfect grandchild, loved by all his relatives and friends and is a very high achiever in all his academic and non-academic activities. A full scholar at UC San Diego this year.
Why am I telling you this? Because he too was worried the way you are right now. His worries never happened. I guess it must start from your mom like my nephew's mom who did not show any regret but you have to work it out with her first. Tell her to accept you because you never choose to be in the first place. You just happened to be. Then ask her to be the first one to break the ice before your relatives find out from outside. Be discreet in the meantime until your mom settles down.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, because she's paying for your education and transportation, there's really not a whole lot you can do.

If I were you, I would set up a whole new "Myspace" account and NOT tell her what it's addy is. That way you will still have a "safe" place to be yourself without her prying.

As far as your grandparents are concerned, I don't know what to tell you. I knew that I could talk to my Grandmother about anything and she would never judge me. I could tell her things I simply couldn't talk to my Mom about and she never once broke that trust.
I remember when I told my Mom I was pregnant. My Mom went and lied to my Aunt and Uncle as well as my Grandmother. She told them that my fiance and I had eloped secretly, just so SHE could save face.
I later told my Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother the truth. That I was not married at the time, but we were indeed engaged. My Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother were completely accepting of this. My Great Grandmother actually knew even before I told my Mom!
She was funny that way. I wasn't even showing, but somehow she just "knew" and let me know without saying anything but a few simply words.
She simply patted my stomach and told me "Take care of yourself, honey. You'll have more to worry about soon enough."
It was her special way of telling me that I would need all my strength to care for my son.

When I came out to my parents it was a whole other story.
They were remarkably accepting and loving. They completely welcomed my partner into the family and it was simply not a big deal.
I think telling them I was pregnant shocked them MUCH more because I think they ALWAYS knew I was a lesbian.

Answer 6

Um, you can still be the "perfect grandchild", even as a lesbian. Are you close to your grandparents? Do you think they would accept you? Do you think they would be hurt to find out YEARS later that you were going through this and they had no idea?

Has your Mom threatened to take away your college funds? If I were you, I'd tell your Mom that you are going to tell your grandparents. If she threatens you with the money, tell her you'll play along, but that she's really hurting you.

Answer 7

I think you should tell your mother that you love her even if she can't accept your life as it is and tell her you will wait until school is over to find you someone. Tell her you're not looking for that. That way everything will work out. A little bit of sex is not worth loosing everything at this point in time. Your mom is helping you out right now, don't let everything she put into you go to waste. School is top priority and sex should be last. If you do it that way then when you're 26 you'll look back and see what you have gained by it.

Answer 8

well dear this is kinda hard...I was fortunate that when I came out my family excepted it right off. My mom now is like Deb on queer as folk is so annoying..lol... but my granny still thinks I'm in a 7 year phase but that's OK with me she loves me unconditionally and that is what is important.

I think if she is that upset about it I think you should play the game until your outta school.she doesn't have to know everything you do.

And people are telling you to cut her off that's not the answer ...we all need or moms no matter what ...when we get hurt the first person we call is mommy .sooner or later she will come around if she doesn't then you decide how to handle the issue.

Answer 9

This is a normal mom reaction to something that doesnt go along with her thinking. You need to talk with her openly and directly. Tell her how you feel, not just" hey mom I am lesbian". Tell her how you felt when you realized your gay. Tell her how happy you are. Tell her she is a grown up now and fearing her parents is crazy. Grandparents are the most accepting people in the world. They dont care if your gay, stupid or a murderer. They always love grandchildren. As for school, you can always finance your own education. I paid for mine by myself with student loans.

Answer 10

well homosexuality isn't your problem..it appears to be your mother's....If your grandparents really love you they will still love you as a perfect grandchild(who is a lesbian)...this is totally your mother speaking...really blaming all the bad feelings on your grandparents who know nothing...gives your mother a great excuse to indirectly criticize you though doesn't it.....but risking your college education and car because your mother is holding it over your head to get you to change your sexual identity...that's crazy....I don't think I like your mother very much...she sounds terribly insecure and manipulative....I guess you could tell her you have found god or something until you finish college...this is really your choice...lie or be yourself....good luck --it's a hard position to be in.(and your mother knows it and plays you for it).

Answer 11

Don't screw with your free ticket through college. Trust me, you don't want to loan it all up and have to spend 12 years paying for it. Do as she says, tone it down. Stop being so public about it. LET her pay for your college.

When you're done with college, put the web site back up. Tell the world you're a lesbian. Just AFTER college.