And they both have equal pros and cons about them. In some ways they are alike. I can't see myself living without either one. But they are forcing me to choose. How do I do that? Help!!
We are in our forties...not teenagers here.
2006-09-21 05:23:08 · 17 answers · asked by greeneyes 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Details Needed I see....
I was married to one for 20 years; he is the father of my 3 kids who are 18,20 and 12. He was very neglectful, emotionally and mentally and verbally abusive. Never physical. I tried to hang in there that long.
For the kids only though. I met him when I was in college at age 19.
@
2nd guy: Met him online during my seperation/divorce.....he is funny and pays me alot of attentiion. He loves the outdoors and is like my best friend. But my parents and kids disapprove and make it hard on me to be with him. They hate the fact that I am not with their father. Or my parents would prefer me to not be with anyone right now or go back to my ex.
My family doesn't like him because they think we are not a good match and they think he broke up my marriage. I have lived 20 years in another state from my parents. So they don't get it. They know my husband was an a--hole to live with. In fact, my father wouldn't let him come over to their house....they clashed.
2006-09-21 05:58:03 · update #1
But then again, my father is a manic depressive alcoholic. My mother is a very opinionated codependent.
I seem to always be controlled by others and what they think of me....I wish I could just be decisive on my own. I worry about what my kids and family and even friends will say when I make this decision.
Stay with my soon to be ex: marry my new found best friend; or dump them both and start over...I have a fear of being alone since I haven't been ever in my life. But I truly do love my friend....its the tension and stress from my kids and parents that is causing me to feel angry and depressed and bitter and resentful and struggling for an answer: sometimes I just want to go way far away...but I love my kids....my l2 yr old is my main concern here. She wants her daddy and I together...of course...no matter what....she resents the soulmate guy....of course.....I am afraid she would choose to live with her dad til graduation and refuse to stay with me at all...Help
2006-09-21 06:03:59 · update #2
I understand where you're at, I think -- I grew up in an alcoholic home that had some of the same traits as the one you describe, and I have a terrible time making decisions, let alone knowing what I really want.
When I read your post, the answer to me seemed pretty clear. One of your options you KNOW is (and was!) bad for you and you'd be reentering hell; the other option, you'd finally be happy and are simply afraid that others will be disappointed in your decision.
Your kids will always feel sad over your divorce. That's okay. Their first instinct is that the people they love most in the world would get back together, and their world will be "whole" again.
But since your ex doesn't seem to have changed or be willing to change, your getting remarried to him would not create "wholeness" at all, it would just recreate a barren world and set a bad example for your kids.
As they get older, and if you share why you are making the decisions you are, they will get some experience and begin to understand you better, and they'll work through the issues. It will take time, but they'll make it if you stick with them as best as you can.
Reentering that old marriage without the possibility of anything being fixed seems to be unproductive for everyone concerned.
Meanwhile, you are in your 40's, you are a parent yourself, and while part of you might badly want the approval of the parents who ruined in many ways your childhood, you no longed need it.
You're a mom and adult, and you've found a man who loves you, and you're building a real life for yourself. The approval you are seeking from your parents isn't really the sort of approval you need; they can't offer you the acceptance of yourself that you require.
I think you know the best decision, and you're just afraid of facing people's temporary disappointment. Be brave, love your kids as best as you can (however they react), and move forward with your life.
2006-09-21 06:37:27 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How does one get in a position where two men love her so deeply they have both asked for her hand in marriage?
Where you dating both? Having sex with both? Going through the trials of courtship with both? Falling in love with both? Sharing the most intimate of you with two men?
If either of these relationships were particularly serious, you would have chosen to be with one a long time ago.
If you are being "forced" to choose then you don't really want to marry either of these poor deluded men.
You can do whatever you want.
Nice to see you made a point about being in your forties and not a teenager. Funnily though, it seems to me your chronological age does not represent your actual age.
You are acting like a teenager.
Get over yourself.
I'm 25.
2006-09-21 05:31:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with that:
Live with each one for one or two months and then get way from both and the final will be clearly.
I am in a similar situation and I already experience in this way and I think I finally found out the answer. I will prove my decision after all. Good Lucky on your life.
2006-09-21 06:02:33 · answer #3 · answered by Marilyn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very unusual question and it needs a very unusual approach to solve.
Since each man knows about the other: Live with each one for a month. During that month, have absolutely NO contact with the other (and that means no emails or phone calls). Then go away from both of them for a month. The answer should become clear.
"Desperate times call for desperate measures."
2006-09-21 05:31:52 · answer #4 · answered by Hermit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no such thing as both guys being equal. You may be bias because you are the one who has to make the decision, but one of them will have to be told that you've choose to be with the other so, stop making things hard on yourself & sit down and write your true pros & cons about each of them to make this decision with clearity. Then you need to let the other go & not try to hold on to both of them because it could cause trouble in the worst way in time.
2006-09-21 05:31:46 · answer #5 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
quite a delimma you have there. Unfortunately, marryign more than one is illegal, as I am sure you wish it were not. You ahev to decide, because you may end up with neither of them. which one makes you feel the happiest inside, which one makes you laugh and feel good about yourself..at the ned of the day, it is a choice only you can make....When making a choice, think of the spiritual side of things, those are the most importnat qualities in any ones life.
2006-09-21 05:28:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Careful, if you can't have the full package (somebody who has more pros than cons) i think you will not be happy in the future. If you chose one and the trait that crates on your nerves starts happening frequently you may regret "choosing" that one and perhaps you might seek the unchosen one to fulfill that void. hmmm I dont think i would choose either, I would continue to look for the perfect match. And why would you let any man "force" you into this, this is huge, dont be rushed.
2006-09-21 05:28:33 · answer #7 · answered by redneckgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Which one will be good for you for the remainder of your life? There must be one that will be there for you forever? Your age does not have much to do with it. Get some paper out and write down the good and bad about both. See which one is better for you. Sometime when you get things on paper, it is easier to see the advantages and disadvantages. Best wishes...remember this is your decision...think about you first!
2006-09-21 05:28:36 · answer #8 · answered by Yoda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are not sure.... which one to choose, don't be force into choosing just yet.... Is it possible you not ready for marriage. Give yourself some more time.... choose only when you are ready and feel comfortable and happy with the choice you've made.
2006-09-21 05:39:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Which one do you picture yourself with when the aches and pains set in and you need to help each other find glasses, medication, hearing aids, etc.
Which one is going to love you and take care of you when the sex ends, the children are gone and so is the money.
Which one is going to be your best friend until the end?
2006-09-21 05:30:04 · answer #10 · answered by Annie R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋