I'm 26, dating someone 15 years older. While the age difference itself doesn't bother me, a few other things about him do:
1) He has 4 children, 2 living with him. I can't help but feel like I will always be second priority at most.
2) Because of his children, we usually can only see each other in the weekends, and even then not every weekend.
3) When we're together, I can really feel that he likes me; however during weekdays he normally doesn't initiate contact. I can understand that he has work, children, and that we've only been seeing each other for 3 weeks, but am I asking for too much too early for him to just say hello? I haven't told him this directly of course as I don't want him to feel like I'm too needy, especially this early.
What do you think of the situation? Am I being paranoid? Rushing? Or are my feelings justified?
2006-09-21 00:21:47 · 25 answers · asked by Tennister 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Just to answer some questions here, no he is not married (never was, to my knowledge). He just had 4 children with a live-in girlfriend.
2006-09-21 00:29:29 · update #1
A couple of things...
Don't be needy in this relationship. Give the guy some space. He'll end up respecting the hell out of you for it.
And remember that he's known his kids a lot longer than you. It's natural that he's more devoted to them at this point.
But... if he ever does fall in love with you, YOU will come first, and you SHOULD come first, especially if this relationship becomes more than dating. Until then, let him have his life outside of the relationship.
Just remember that you're too young to stay in a "dating" relationship forever. Hopefully this isn't a guy who two years from now is still happy just dating you.
2006-09-21 00:26:12 · answer #1 · answered by CapnPen 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well, that is what usually happens when you date someone no matter the age that has children. You don't say if you have children but I'm assuming you don't , or you would understand the commitment of having children. So I don't think you are being paranoid or anything like that, your feelings are totally normal which leads me to my next advice: find someone who doesn't have children, see...... is normal to want to be first on your partners life but when you have children your priorities change, so try to understand the situation of your boyfriend, and if it bothers you too much try to find someone with no strings attached so YOU can be the priority and may be later your own children will be his priority but I guarantee you will not feel marginated at all....
2006-09-21 00:43:28 · answer #2 · answered by fun 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Run for the hills! Why should you settle for scraps? It sounds like he may be married. If you are already sleeping with him, then clearly that is all that he is looking for from you. If you haven't, don't. Did he say because of his children he can only see you on the weekends? This the oldest trick in the book and he is using you.
Three weeks is not long enough to even ponder these questions. Finally, even if his intentions are honorable, taking on the responsibility of four children that are not yours will be a huge burden. My advice, find someone that has no baggage.
2006-09-21 01:27:26 · answer #3 · answered by candace b 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in a 5 year relationship with a guy 18 years my junior, so your questions hit home. I don't have kids myself, but kids SHOULD come first. I'd worry if they didn't. How do you get along with the kids? I certainly hope it's all out in the open.
Weekends: I like a little time of my own. This says nothing about my feelings for my guy. We live together, but he's much more the hermit than I am. It bothers him when I say I want to go out, when he happens to want to spend the entire day at home. Also, I have friends that have been friends much longer than I've known him. My best friend I met when my guy was 4. get jealous, and I understand that, and make sure I make time for him.
my only real issue I have with him is, what's with the animae crap?
2006-09-21 09:30:40 · answer #4 · answered by tkdeity 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'll be 41 next month, so let me give you my perspective on this.
You will always be second to his kids, job, etc. That much is obvious from what you have posted. You need some one who will, at least consider you on par with his other commitments. He doesnt seem to view you this way.
If he doesnt take the time to initiate contact with you (e.g. calling just to say hello and ask how you are doing) you're not a priority. He's not worried about losing you.
If he is not seeing you because he's spending time with his kids, he apparently doesnt feel the need to include you in their lives. This may be temporary or it may be a permanent thing, it's hard to tell from what you have posted.
To be blunt: you are not a big priority for him. He's not worried about losing you. This is obvious from what you have descibed. If you are having sex with him, he may simply view you as a sideline sex partner and not a potential life partner. You're a fling that he's enjoying in his spare time, sweetheart. Nothing more than that. When he's got The Urge, he's got time for you. Otherwise, you're left hanging and waiting for a call from him that won't come.
My advice is to cease initiating contact with him. If he doesnt call you, don't call him. Go out with other guys. If he wants to get together, tell him you're busy, even if you're really not.
In other words: make him earn the time you spend together. Dont give it away.
If he starts trying to win you over with gifts, beginning to initiate contact, etc. spend some time with him. If he doesnt make the effort, then you'll know where you really stand.
2006-09-21 01:07:47 · answer #5 · answered by Duane 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i think your feelings are justified...the first few months of a relationship are often the best....with the excitement of seeing each other and the need to get to know each other more you often find that you spend heaps of time together......
i feel that if you feel this way being second already that your feeling will only become more apparent in time and if someone doesnt make you feel real special at the beginning then the relationship is doomed....
let him know how you feel and make sure that you are both wanting the same things in a relationship....you may be at different stages.
good luck and remember you deserve to be no 1
2006-09-21 00:27:20 · answer #6 · answered by askaway 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Throughout the week he is busy with his work and kids and does not want any distractions from you which in my opinion is being very SELFISH. He i just out to have some fun on the weekends coz that's the time when he feels lonely.
Another thing, men have this tendency of getting to work once their appetite for food, emotional needs and sex is fulfilled. They care a damn about the other.
You are not rushing, but you have started feeling insecure. Talk it out with him, tell him what YOU would like rather than him dictating terms always. If he disapproves and disregards ur feelings, just forget him coz you are still very young. He is the one who should feel insecure at his age.
2006-09-21 00:27:17 · answer #7 · answered by CURIOUS 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need to talk to him more, and seek reassurance.
Whereas you seem be more gay than bi, he is obviously bi.
You should try and find out if he sees this as a long term thing or just as an enjoyable episode.
Although the age difference is not really that large (15 years) he probably feels middle aged, whereas you probably still feel young.
Try and enjoy the time you have together, you could probably learn from it.
2006-09-21 02:53:00 · answer #8 · answered by Augusta B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about it, 15 years difference, he has a young hottie and a family. If he is a good father he must take care of family first. You will always be the bottom rung on the ladder, he has no choice. If you think he has real feelings for you then you have a problem, its just lust. If you think he is going to put love [lust] above family then you are then you are fooling yourself. There is no way that you will ever be satisfied with this relationship, please find someone closer to your own age so that you have at least ages in common. By the way you are paranoid, you are rushing and your feelings are not justified. GET OUT THERE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT FINDING LOVE, LOVE WILL FIND YOU JUST BE READY.
2006-09-21 00:43:41 · answer #9 · answered by Johnny 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
u may talk to him but i don't think it will help you. it's to soon for that kind of things.
think again if u REALLY like him and don't mind being the second priority (don't cheat yourself - u will surely be the second priority for him).
do not expect too much. he may treat u as someone just for some time.
if u really want to date him, be ready for jealousy! [know something about it 'cause i have been dating 9 year older man for some time].
anyway, good luck!
2006-09-21 00:27:56 · answer #10 · answered by noktris 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋